Yi Jianlian is set to enter this years NBA draft, and is expected to go somewhere in the top ten.  He will be sorely missed by all of China's 1,321,851,888 people, but no where more than the research lab where he was born. 

Yi as a young boy (left).              A PRFFDW scientist at work (right). 

 Yi Jianlian is only the second Chinese NBA quality player born it captivity, to be released into the wild.  Scientists around the Peoples' Research Facility For Dominating Western Sports (PRFFDW), expressed both sorry and worry.  "It makes me really sad to think that he will be all alone outside of the Lab and our glorious country," said one scientist.  "Who will make his rice porridge every morning?"

Above: Yi's agents the Peoples' Agents Representing the Peoples' Athletes

Still, Yi's agents, the Peoples' Agents Representing the Peoples' Athletes, have promised that Yi will be sent to a suitable US city.  "We will guarantee that comrade Yi is sent to a US city that has many Chinese restaurants, MSG in every grocery store, and whose team wears a red uniform."

Pictured above is the future Chinese all star team inside their flesh incubators.

  Although all the scientists at the PRFFDW are sad to see Yi go, they agree that their work must go on.  "Once we were a country which only managed to dominate Ping Pong on the world stage, now we have two players in the NBA.  We have come a long way, but there is still farther to go."

As always this blog is brought to you by PUMA because I'm hoping to score some free stuff.

Many Lakers' fans have mixed emotions about the potential trade of Kobe Bryant, but one Laker fan is exstatic about the prospect of Kobe being traded, 'Screech' (aka Dustin Diamond).

'Screech' aka Dustin Diamond at the peak of his fame and today.

 Given the team's proximity to Hollywood, the Lakers fan base includes many famous actors and musicians who are regularly seen at home games, generally in the court side seats.  

Jack Nicholson, Sean Penn, Peter Parker and Snoop Dogg are amoung the Lakers' A-list celebrity supporters.

Jack Nicholson is the most prominent member of this group, having held season tickets since 1967. Other celebrities known as long-standing ticket-holders include Denzel Washington, Dustin Hoffman, Andy Garcia, Penny Marshall, Ice Cube, Sylvester Stallone,  Brad Pitt, Tobey Maguire, and Snoop Dogg. Meanwhile far from the limelight 'Screech' has been watching from the nose bleeds.  Despite his status as a 'C' rate TV  and an ametuer porn star, 'Screech' has been on the waiting list for court side seats for nearly ten years.  "When Magic retired I really thought it was going to happen for me, but then along came Shaq," Screech whined in his trade marked high voice.  "And two years ago when the Clippers got hot, I got my hopes up again."

 Screech did briefly visit the court side "celebrity row," during the 91-92 playoffs, a game in which the Lakers were defeated at home by the Trailblazers.  Screech still gets tears in his eyes when he remembers that day.  "It's not very publisized, but the Lakers like to have Hollywood types courtside at all times.  So I was hanging out up in the nose bleeds with Cory Feldman and that Chinese kid from 'Goonies' when one of the ushers said, 'Hey, Screech Jacks gotta take a leak.'  So I went down and kept Jack's seat warm for about ten minutes.  That was probably the greatest ten minutes of my life."

Nicholson remembers it differently, "I came back from taking a piss, and this kid Scratch is sitting in my seat.  I still think he jinxed us that year." Screech admits that he is obsessed with the Lakers and that sometimes his obsession has caused him to make bad decisions.  "'Saved by the Bell: the New Class,' 'Saved by the Bell: the College Years,' my porn movie they were all bad career moves that I made out of desperation.  Because I've been trying to get some exposure and get those court side seats."

 Still, 'Screech' remains hopeful that the Lakers loss may be his gain.  "If the Lakers unload Kobe and go through a rebuilding period, there are going to be a lot of empty court side seats.  And it may finally happen for me."

 Projected crowd for post-Kobe Laker game.

The first trade offer for Kobe Bryant is officially on the table, and it has come from an unexpected bidder, Michael Jackson.  'The King of Pop' has reportedly offered up in trade part of his catalogue of 'Beatles' songs, the 'Elephant Man's' bones, his vintage '80s read leather jacket, and a collection of young women's undergarmets that he received in fan letters during the height of his popularity.

Michael Jackson (left) has made an offer for Kobe Bryant which includes, amoung other things, the 'Elephant Man's' bones (right).

Lakers' owner Jerry Buss, a long time fan of the 'Beatles' and young womens' undergarments, admitted that the offer was unorthodox but intriguing.  He said that there were several details that needed to be cleared up before he could make a decision.

Laker's owner Jerry Buss (shown above) is a known fan of the 'Beatles'.

 "I would of course need to know what 'Beatles' songs we are talking about, and both the quantity and quality of the undergarments in question."

 Originally, former child star Maucally Culkin was also part of the offer, until one of Jackson's assistants pointed out that he no longer owned Culkin.

 It is unclear what Jackson would to with Kobe, but a source close to Jackson hinted that Kobe might be traded to an Elementary school basketball team for 'younger talent.'

 American scientist Dr. Emmit Brown appeared in court today to file harrasment charges against two NBA owners,  and others including at least one NBA all-star.  Among those mentioned in the charges are Blazers owner Paul Allen, Mavericks owner Mark Cuban, and Laker all-star Kobe Bryant.  The charges state that these individuals along with others, have ignored all Brown's request to 'leave him alone' and will not stop flooding his e-mail, voice mail, answering machine and mail box with requests for a 'time machine.' 

Left: Dr. Emmit Brown at work in his lab.  Right: A picture of time machine prototype.

 Brown admits that he had at one time had an idea for a time machine, but there had been several incidents involving the prototype and he had decided that it was best to "let the past be the past."

"While I must admit that the challenge of building a time machine interests me, I think that it's better that I don't.  An individual may think that changing one small thing in the past might be harmless, it can prove to be disasterous to the future, or present, as it were."

When called for comment Portland Trailblazer's owner spoke highly of Brown and his work, and expressed regret over Brown's decision to file charges against him.  "I have a lot of respect for Dr. Brown, but the charges against me are completely unfounded.   I never asked him to build a time machine for me.  I actually wanted to hire Dr. Brown as an assistant GM for our organization.  Then I wanted him to go back in time to represent us at the 1984 draft, and to choose Michael Jordan, instead of Sam Bowie."  

In the 1984 draft the Portland  drafted Sam "Who" Bowie (left) instead of Micheal "double threepeat" Jordan (right).

 Mavericks owner Mark Cuban was unavailible for comment, but there is some speculation that he might use a time machine to travel back to 2004 and resign Steve Nash.  Other notable mistakes Cuban might want to correct are his team's chokes in both the 2005-2006 and 2006-2007 playoffs and of course his reality tv show 'The Benefactor.' 

Did Mark Cuban bet on the wrong white guy?  Could Kobe have saved himself some drama by just killing this woman?

  Kobe Bryant was likewise unavailable for comment.  A source close to Bryant notes several passing comments he's made in the past that may shed some light on his motives.   "He's always saying stuff like; 'I knew I should have killed that bitch,' 'How bad could the Hornets really have been?' and 'Clippers, Clippers, Clippers, damn!'"

  Other notable people mentioned in Brown's filing are Nick Nolte,  Tom Selleck, Meg Ryan, and Cyndi Lauper.

In an unprecedented move, Lakers owner Jerry Buss made the trades this week to secure the Indiana Pacers former 'one-two punch': Ron Artest, and Jermaine O'Neal. 

The Lakers are also currently in talks with semi-retired guard Latrell Sprewell, formerly of the Minnesota Timberwolves. Sprewell is best remembered for choking former coach P.J. Carlesimo and later being accused of choking a woman on his boat. When called for comment on the possibility of joining the Lakers Sprewell replied, "It would be great to finally play with some guys who have the same type of character as me."

Analysts agree that the teaming of Byrant, Artest, O'Neil and Sprewell would be a scary thing to see.  TNT commentator and former NBA player Charles Barkley summed it up best, "Those guys, together?  Who is going to play center?  OJ?"

In another shocking development, Laker Coach Phil Jackson was released from his contract and is reportedly going to be replaced by Robert Blake. Buss reportedly said that he wants to take the Lakers in a new direction. "Coach Jackson has been a fine upstanding member of our organization, but we have decided to take the team in a new direction. In this new direction there is no room for a Zen master, we need Berretta."

The Lakers are also considering changing their team colors from the traditional yellow and purple to horizontal black and white stripes. "For the home jerseys only," Buss said, "For away I was thinking about orange jumpsuits."

In related news Lakers forward Luke Walton has been told that if he doesn't want to ride the bench he needs to toughen up his image. "I'll probably start with a tattoo and maybe an eye-patch," Walton told reporters. "If all else fails I can always go out and beat up a hooker."