The Sexy Seven - Volume II

I know there are fans out there that drive you insane when you are at a live game, watching your team in a bar, or wherever it is you get the chance to see your favorite team play.  I know it happens to me, and it drives me up the wall!  Therefore, allow me to take the time to go all "Lewis Black" on this blog, and rant away at the top seven types of fans that drive me crazy...

7. The D-Fence Fan

Signs are a common sight at sporting events.  People want to express their right to free speech.  They want to show their support for their team, or they want to get on television.  But the next time you are creating a sign, how about we get more creative people!  Signs like "Sportscenter is next" or whatever else... those are getting old.  The most annoying one of all in my mind is the twosome that sits in the stands, one holding up a "D", and the other a "Fence".  Every football game in history, you see one of these now.  Come up with something new!  I wonder who first came up with the "D-Fence" idea... does anyone know?  I'm sure he or she isn't making a dime off it, and I bet that is painfully frustrating.  They probably go around telling their friends "I came up with that first", and get the simple response "Yeah right!"  Annoying!

6. The Clueless Fan

Have you ever attended or watched a game with a clueless fan?  I'm sure that all of you have at some point in your life.  Don't get me wrong... in many cases these are people that we really care about, but you have to admit at times these people can drive you nuts.  They ask the most off the wall questions... and at the most inopportune times. I'm talking about the types of questions that you can't answer, such as "Hey, why exactly did those NFL refs decide to put black stripes at that particular angle on their sleeves?".  And those questions almost always throw us off, and ALWAYS occur on a fourth and goal play with one minute to go in a tie game.  You know it.  I know it.  Admit it... it's painful!

5. The Lightweight Fan

I know you have encountered these people at stadiums and arenas across the country.  In fact, some of you probably have been this person from time to time.  Listen, I'm all for having a few drinks at the game, as it can always enhance the experience.  Just as long as you are safe, and not driving drunk later, as I in no way condone that type of behavior.  Have a few drinks, but be careful.  In this case, the "Lightweight Fan" will have a few beers at a time, and at approximately five different points during the game.  You know they always end up sitting in your row, and as they are attempting to carry the beers back, these fans think they are sober.  I honestly know the real reason they have to keep going back to get more beer.  By the time they sit down, they have two beers that are half full.  One half of one is on my lap, and the other half of the second beer is on my head.  And that really grinds my gears.

4. The Stadium Club Girl

Somebody explain this type of fan to me.  How many times have you seen a female show up at a game in high heels and a short skirt?  Why?  OK, sometimes it isn't a bad thing to get a man's attention, especially if his team is getting blown out.  But let's face it ladies, the men are there to watch their team play.  They are fine with having the women around, and most men also don't mind a good-looking woman at a ball game with a t-shirt on and a solid casual look.  Women can look good without being all dressed up to hit a dance club.  Many of us think you are ridiculous to show up to a game looking like Pacman Jones visited you earlier in the evening.  And that's a fact. 

3. The "Deer in the Headlights" Fan

This is the type of fan who is at a live game, and doing anything possible to get on camera, so they can have their one single minute of fame on television.  What is the obsession with getting on camera anyway?  By the time this fan gets on screen, they have no idea what to do... the person doesn't flinch... and instead stands there with a blank stare, almost like a deer in the highlights.  As a result, the fan holds up their index finger and whispers "Number One... We're Number One".  This fan has no idea what else to do.  Their team could be Temple Football, Penn State Basketball, the Houston Texans, who knows... they could be ranked 110th in the country in its sport, but they are still #1 for that moment in time.  And I think that's ridiculous.  Whatever happened to "Hi Mom"?  We gotta bring that classic back.  Maybe pepper in a few "Hi Dad" lines too.  Either that or get some new and creative ideas people!  "We're number one" can take a long walk off a short pier, as far as I'm concerned.

2. The "Glass Is Overflowing" Fan

OK, we all know the type.  This person was either a cheerleader in a former lifetime, or even a few years prior in his or her life.  The glass is definitely not half empty, but it isn't half full either.  It is overflowing.  It could be Duke taking on USC in college football, and this fan is hyping up a 20 point victory by the "Dukies".  I don't know about you, but this type of fan is like "nails on a chalkboard" for me.  I'm fine with having some faint hope when my team is a major underdog, and if the team I'm rooting for can pull it off, it is that much more exciting.  But this person needs to get a clue.  Your baseball team is not going to finish 162-0.  Please don't tell me how your Kansas City Royals are going to win the World Series in 2007.  Wait until they play well first.  Don't tell me that the Boston Celtics are going to win the NBA Finals this year.  I don't want to hear about how the Philadelphia Flyers are going to go on the run of a lifetime.  Someone get some duct tape please... and while you're at it, I could use some Advil too.

1. The Bandwagon Fans

These fans make life miserable for all of us.  Because of them, we often get accused of being one of them ourselves.  Well, at least I have before.  Growing up in Maryland, I moved to Florida when I was just nine years old.  When in Florida, my team, the Washington Redskins won two Super Bowls.  When I went in to school excited, I was accused of being a "bandwaggoner", because the Redskins are not a Florida team.  Has that ever happened to you?

Yes, the bandwagon fans... they sported the Lakers hat during the Shaq and Kobe era, and the Tim Duncan jersey after.  Boy did they ever love the Cowboys when Emmitt was "dancing with those stars", and Troy Aikman was there too.  This fan's "sox" were red in 2004, and suddenly white in 2005.  In the new millennium, it was Brady and the Pats.  Now they are flocking to support Peyton and the Colts.  The bandwagon fan's team doesn't perform, and they disappear.  They improve, and the fan returns.  I loathe you bandwagon fans... take your wagon elsewhere, and leave the real sports fan alone.     

In Conclusion

If you are a die-hard sports fan like me, you want to watch your team in peace.  You want to focus on every last detail of the game.  You want to cheer hard during the good plays, and overanalyze the bad plays.  Many times, "other fan types" get in the way of your sports viewing enjoyment.  I have listed some fan types that drive me crazy, but my question to you is... Can you relate to any of these?  Are there any fan types that you can't stand?  Here's your chance to sound off on them.  In the meantime, I hope the next time you are watching a game... you don't run into any of these people.