When the Buckeyes and Trojans hit the field this weekend, it won’t just be one of the biggest games of the week, but also the entire season. 

And while there are a lot of things you will hear before, during and after this matchup, here’s a list of ten things you most definitely will NOT hear:

Top 10 Things You Won’t Hear At Ohio State v USC Game this Weekend

10. Dane Sanzenbacher: “Boy, I can’t wait to meet Taylor Mays on the field.”

9. Pete Carroll: “I’ll never chance it by going for it on fourth and short.”

8. Matt Barkley: “John David Booty has been giving me advice on his recent experiences on how to handle the continuous influx of media.”

7. OSU Linebackers: “Joe McKnight? Piece of cake… we handled Ricky Dobbs last week.”

6. Terrelle Pryor: “No time to talk, I have been hired to be President Obama’s new press secretary.”

5. Taylor Mays: “When away from football, I enjoy knitting, reading romance novels and long walks on the beach.”

4. Mitch Mustain: “I’m gettin’ some tonight.”

3. Jim Tressel: “Let’s do a double reverse fake flea flicker.”

2. USC Trojans: “Let’s celebrate a score with a golf clap and a nonchalant handing of the football to the official.”

1. Ohio State Sports Information Department: “Mr. Maurice Clarett will be dotting the “i” today.”

** Obvious Disclaimer: None of the above quotes are real, but instead an attempt at humor

Quite a week long stretch for Michigan head coach Rich Rodriguez, isn’t it?

Just in case you’re living in a bubble, let’s recap some of Rich Rod’s recent adventures…

Playing three quarterbacks during the opening week – check.

Referring to Michigan’s three-QB system as “neat” – check.

Having former players accuse you of overworking them in the form of more than 20-hours per week, which would be an NCAA violation – check.

Having the school administration investigate into the aforementioned allegations – check.

Being sued over a condo project – check.

And finally, through all those press conference tears, not even managing to pick up a TV endorsement from either Puffs Plus or Kleenex.

Chalk that up as one last painful check.

Life truly isn’t fair.

But don’t feel for Rodriguez just yet – because believe me, his week could still get worse, specifically on Saturday, when the Broncos come to Ann Arbor.

That’s right… Michigan is opening at home, but only as a 12 ½ point favorite.

12 ½ points?  That’s it?  Even over a “directional school” such as Western Michigan?

Surely, there must be some kind of typo.

Can anyone say “upset special”? 

Upset special!

Very good!

Listen, the Broncos are a good football team.  Returning seven starters on offense from last season’s team that went 9-4 (and played in the Texas Bowl), Western Michigan is nothing to shake a stick at.

There’s senior leadership on offense, both in the running and passing game.  Senior QB Tim Hiller is ready to lead the team after passing for 3,725 yards and throwing for 36 touchdowns.  While some may argue that Hiller lost his two top receiving weapons in Jamarko Simmons and Schneider Julien, the Broncos still return plenty of talent, including a combined 95 catches between WR Juan Nunez and RB Brandon West. 

Think you can stop the pass game, Wolverines?  OK, then deal with West (another senior) on the ground, who was a thousand yard rusher in 2008.

Wait, there’s more! 

The offensive line has four players returning with eight plus starts from last season.  That spells experience and this is most certainly an offense that is going to give Michigan headaches.

Oh, and by the way, did you think I was done? 

Think again. 

Over each of the last three seasons, Western Michigan has pulled off at least one upset victory over an FBS school (Virginia in ’06, Iowa in ’07, and Illinois in ’08). 

Feeling maize and blue yet?

If the Wolverines are going to get to the Broncos, it will be have to be attacking the defense, which only returns three starters.

But even that won’t be easy, what with the three-QB system still being a question mark, plus experimenting with two freshmen QB’s playing in their first college game.  Combine that with the overall distractions that the program has encountered recently, and you have the potential for a black cloud ready to open up and pour down on the Wolverines.

And don’t tell me none of this is a distraction for the current players, because plain and simple, it is.  These kids aren’t Tiger Woods – they can’t just shove this all aside immediately.

So, Rich Rod, it’s been a tough week, a hell week that a fraternity would be proud of.

But hold on tight, the football season hasn’t even started yet – and the Broncos are waiting with Appalachian State memories fresh in their minds.

There’s a certain breed of fan out there – a group very much unlike the rest of us.  C’mon football fan, you can name plenty of fans that are like “nails on a chalkboard” to you. 

Allow me to go all “Lewis Black” on this blog and explain what I mean, in the form of the top seven types of fans that drive me crazy... **

7. The D-Fence Fan

Signs are a common sight at sporting events.  People want to express their right to free speech, show support for their team, or get on TV.  I get it--but the next time you're creating a sign, how about some creativity?  Signs like "SportsCenter is next" or whatever else...those are getting older than Brett Favre's coming out of retirement parties.

The most annoying of all is the twosome that sits in the stands, one holding up a "D" and the other a fence.  At every football game in modern history, you see one of these.

The key here is that this is a joint effort.  If your boy has to hit the restroom, you may want to pass the "D" to someone else.  If not, well...then you get something even more ridiculous than the concept itself.  Yeah, go fence!

6. The Clueless Fan

Ever watched a game with a clueless fan?  Trust me, you have.  In many cases, the clueless fan is someone we really care about, but that doesn't mean that his/her responses don't drive you less crazy.

These fans ask the most off-the-wall questions--at the most inopportune times. I'm talking about the types of questions that you can't answer, such as, "Hey, why exactly did those refs decide to put black stripes at that particular angle on their sleeves?"

Those questions always throw us off and ALWAYS occur on a fourth-and-goal play with one minute to go in a tie game.

You know it.  I know it.  Admit it...it spells pain!

5. The Lightweight Fan

I know you have encountered these people at stadiums across the country.  In fact, some of you probably have been this person from time to time.

Listen, I'm all for having a few drinks before, after, or during a game, as it sometimes can help enhance the game experience.

In the case of the "Lightweight Fan," this person will have a few at a time, and more unfortunate for you, a few too many.  This fan always ends up in your row, and as they're attempting to carry a drink, these fans believe they are sober.

I honestly know the real reason they have to keep going back for more.  By the time they sit down, they have two beers that are half full.  Half of one is on my lap, and half of the other is on my head--and that really grinds my gears.

4. The Stadium Club Girl

Somebody explain this type of fan to me.  How many times have you seen a female show up at a game in high heels and a short skirt?  Why?

OK, so from a male's standpoint, it isn't entirely a bad thing--but let's face it ladies, the men are there to watch their team play.  They're fine with having the women around, and most men don't mind a good-looking woman at a ball game with a t-shirt and jeans on - a casual look can be striking too.

The majority of us think you're ridiculous to show up to a game looking like Pacman Jones visited you earlier in the evening--and that's a fact.

3. The "Deer in the Headlights" Fan

This is the type of fan who is doing anything possible to get on camera so they can enjoy their one single minute of fame on television.

What's the obsession with getting on camera anyway?  Because by the time this fan gets on screen, they haven't the foggiest idea what to do.  In the end, this fan stands there motionless, with a blank stare, almost like a deer in the headlights.

In the end, all the fan can come up with is to hold up his/her finger and whisper, "Number one...we're number one."  That's it--that's all they got.

Their team could be ranked 110th in the country in college football, but they're still No. 1 for that moment in time--and I think that's ridiculous.

"We're number one" can take a long walk off a short pier as far as I'm concerned.

2. The "Glass Is Overflowing" Fan

We all know the type.  This person was a cheerleader in a former life, or maybe just a few years prior.  The glass is definitely not half empty, but it isn't half full either--it's overflowing.  It could be Indiana taking on USC in college football, and this fan is hyping up a 20-point victory by the Hoosiers.

I don't know about you, but this fan makes my eyes roll back into my head, to the point where I'm frightened that I can't get them back.  I'm fine with having some faint hope when my team is a major underdog, and if the team I'm rooting for can pull it off, it's that much more satisfying.  But this person needs to get a clue.

Please don't tell me how your cupcake squad is going to win the national championship.  We don't want to hear it.  Someone get some duct tape please...and while you're at it, I could use some Advil too.

1. The Bandwagon Fans

These fans make life miserable for all of us.  It's because of them that we often get accused of being one of their kind.

I'm talking about the bandwagon fan.  They sported the Laker hat during the Shaq and Kobe era and the Duncan jersey after.  This fan's "sox" were red in 2004, and suddenly white in 2005.  In college football, it was Carroll and the Trojans, to Tim Tebow and the Gators.

The bandwagon fan's team doesn't perform, and they disappear.  They improve, the fan returns.  I loathe you bandwagon fans...take your wagon elsewhere, and leave the real sports fan alone.


Please chime in and share the types of fans that drive you crazy...

** This is the 3rd version of this blog (previous two were posted by KP on 2/27/07 & 10/7/08)

Coaches preach to the high heavens that a team never, ever looks ahead to a big game, but instead focuses on the current opponent.

Right, and Brutus the Buckeye has a tiny head.

For every hyped up “game of the year” such as Trojans vs. Buckeyes or Ohio State and Penn State, there’s a trap game lying in the weeds, ready to up and pounce on the college football world, sending shockwaves far and wide.  Take the following six-pack of examples, which could serve as trap games in the Big Ten for 2009…

Michigan Wolverines
Trap Game: Western Michigan (September 5th)

Stop eyeing the Irish the following week, Michigan – the Broncos (9-4 in 2008) are no slouch.  Western Michigan returns seven starters on offense in 2009, including QB Tim Hiller, who threw for 36 TD’s and over 3,700 yards last season.

Minnesota Golden Gophers
Trap Game: Air Force Falcons (September 12th)

Minnesota will have trouble not getting fired up for a battle with Cal on the 19th of September, but before getting ready for the Golden Bears, the Gophers need to not overlook Air Force.  The Falcons, 8-5 last season, return six starters on both offense and defense.  This was a team that gave Utah all it could handle last year, and they feature nothing but juniors and seniors across the entire linebacker group and defensive line.

Michigan State Spartans
Trap Game: Central Michigan Chippewas (September 12th)

The Spartans usually start the season out strong, but with a road trip to South Bend looming on September 19th, it’s possible this team could overlook the Chippewas.  But that would be silly, considering that Central Michigan has made it to the Motor City Bowl three straight years, and return 16 starters, including ten on defense.  Plus, one shouldn’t overlook the offense, led by talented QB Dan LeFevour, who had 21 TD’s and only 6 INT’s in 2008.

Iowa Hawkeyes
Trap Game: Arizona Wildcats (September 19th)

The Hawkeyes have Arizona at home in late September, but this game is sandwiched in between a road trip to in-state rival Iowa State, plus a trip to Happy Valley to take on the Nittany Lions afterward.  Ferentz will need to have his team focused in order to avoid a letdown.  Wildcats head coach Mike Stoops took the team to its first bowl game in a decade last season, a 31-21 victory over BYU in the Las Vegas Bowl.  This season, Arizona loses only 13 lettermen from last year’s squad that finished 8-5.

Ohio State Buckeyes
Trap Game: Toledo Rockets (September 19th)

Before you think this one is off the deep end, look at the situation.  First off, this is following one of the most hyped up games of the year, where Ohio State will have faced USC the previous week.  In comes Toledo, a team sparked by a brand new head coach in Tim Beckman that also has 1,700+ yards rushing returning (between Morgan Williams and DaJuane Collins in ’08).  On top of that, the game is being played at a neutral site in Cleveland Browns Stadium.  And most important of all, Toledo returns 18 starters from last year’s team, including only seven lettermen lost – an astonishing number.  This Toledo team could easily be a headache for Ohio State, much like Ohio was the previous season.

Penn State Nittany Lions
Trap Game: at Northwestern Wildcats (October 31st)

Finally, there’s Penn State, a team who has lost some significant starters on both sides of the ball.  Yet, the non-conference schedule is soft in 2009, but there are a few Big Ten trap games later in the season, none more noticeable than Northwestern, a game that is nestled in between a trip to Ann Arbor (October 24th) and the big game against the Buckeyes on November 7th at Beaver Stadium.  This is the first time the Nittany Lions have had to face Northwestern since 2006, and the teams have split the last four meetings.  Also, the last four matchups in Evanston have been close (by an average of five points per game).  Pat Fitzgerald always has the Wildcats ready to play, and will no doubt be giving Penn State headaches all game long.

Dear Rich Rod,

There’s a realization that you and your brethren in maize and blue are confident that the incoming talent is overflowing from the sideline and soon to the goal line. Upon your slight delusions of grandeur, there’s an outpouring of music humming throughout camp – perhaps it goes something like this…

Come and dance on our floor....
Take a step that is new....
We've a lovable space that needs your face,
Three's company too.

Keep whistling that tune as you push towards an opening match with Western Michigan, where you will use three quarterbacks, freshman Tate Forcier, freshman Denard Robinson, and junior Nick Sheridan.

Only, three’s a crowd.

Maybe with four starts under his belt in ’08, you feel Sheridan has earned to take some snaps. Perhaps it was QB coach Rod Smith’s quote (via Phil Steele) on Forcier, stating he has “some of the best mechanics from a high school kid in a while”. Or maybe you feel you need a spark from Denard Robinson, a lightning-quick QB who chose you over Urban Meyer and Gator Nation.

Wake up and smell Mr. Roper.

A three-QB system? This doesn’t paint a picture of success – but instead an inkblot of Big Ten obscurity.

Look at past history in college football, heck, even a two-headed monster at the quarterback position has resulted in more problems than accolades. While most may want to point fingers at the Tebow-Leak combo that brought home championship hardware, others should look at the problems first.

Look within the Big Ten conference for starters, with combos like Zwick-Smith at Ohio State and Clark-Devlin at Penn State. With the Nittany Lions alone, Devlin, after not getting nearly enough snaps, decided to transfer to Delaware in the most recent offseason.

First off, in today’s sports world, so many athletes come as a package deal: skills plus ego. A player’s ego gets a boost by an assortment of promises spouted out by coaches (in order to help bring a recruit home). Plain and simple, in this day and age, empty promises lead to disappointment and frustration.

Not always, but often enough. Any of these quarterbacks could become frustrated with this situation and bolt for another school.

Look at point two, familiarity. Every player plays with a different “style”. Look at the NBA star that can only drive to the right, it’s the same in football, only worse.

Think about it in the QB world. An offensive line has to adjust, too. Players get accustomed to hard counts, plus changes in rhythm that emphasize an audible coming up. By changing the signal caller so frequently throughout a game, a team is just asking for a sloppy performance chock full of illegal procedures, blown plays, and false starts.

Take three, in the form of leadership. One example can be swiped from last night’s NFL Jets-Ravens preseason game, where Jets coach Rex Ryan discussed how announcing a quarterback sooner than later is important for building a leader and a voice for a team.

Where would the leadership be with the Wolverines in this situation? One guy’s in, he’s pumping the offense up and leading a drive, and then… out he goes. Next guy in, incomplete. Third guy, a QB draw for three yards. The beat goes on.

So do the Ann Arbor faithful a favor Rich Rod and make a decision on who Michigan’s starting quarterback is… and do it now, instead of telling the AP that playing three guys “would be neat."

You aren’t Brett Favre here – this decision should be easy as one, two, three.