LOS GATOS, CA (Not Scottsdale, AZ, where Keith should be) - The off-season: now that's more like it!  There's nothing like the signing of $126 million left-handed starting pitcher who's currently doinking Hilary Duff to rile me out of my journalistic slumber.

I'm back and blindly if not hopelessly optimistic.  I feel like one of those drunk guys who hoop and holler at passing cars on "Taxicab Confessions."

What's not to love about a team that has Barry Zito, Matt Cain with 2 years of MLB experience (and a new contract extension) and a seething, sociopathic and un-indicted clean-up hitter?! 

I love the effort of General Manager Brian Sabean to revitalize the image of the franchise and I've bought into the team's PR machine hook, line and sinker.  As a 34-year-old male who's watched this team since I've breathed out of my nose, I've reserved the right.  But, as any Giants fan with a memory, I have plenty of reservations.  No one who has watched Giants baseball can go into the 2007 season without a tinge of nervous nausea and an anticipation of heartbreak. 

Regardless and to wit, here are the keys of a successful Giants season (which doesn't include my good luck ritual of standing behind my coffee table or couch during the late innings):

One: Armando Benitez is gone.  Traded, released, whatever, but don't talk to me about "Who else would be your closer?" crap because the guy is a complete pile.  Scott Garrelts, present day, is better than this clown show.  I (meaning me) will close out the ninth with more strikes and less booing than Benitez.  Granted, my delivery and velocity don't exactly match John Smoltz's in '95 but they're more convincing than Tom Cruise's when he's playing catch with his son in "War of the Worlds," i.e., shot-put meets Scientology girliness.

Other than using me, the Giants should take a page out of the Red Sox's playbook by turning young phenom, Tim Lincecum, into a 2007 version of Jonathan Papelbon.  Close him this year, start him next.  Done.  Let Benitez go infect another franchise with his balky legs and even worse work ethic.  If all else fails, consider bringing in Isabella Soprano of HBO's "Cathouse" to close out the 9th inning.  Her outfit alone would be good for at least two outs.

Two:  Everyone whose name surrounds Barry Bonds on the line-up card kills.  I didn't say, "Produces."  I said, "Kills." 

Three:  The middle relief carries a solid load.  Zito can breeze through 7 innings without breaking a sweat but he can also get bombed for 10 runs in 2+ innings.  If disaster strikes, new manager Bruce Bochy and pitching coach Dave Righetti will grab the bullpen phone with more urgency than a 12-year-old girl does to vote for "American Idol."  (By the way, LaKisha wins going away.  I mean, come on!!!  She's incredible.)  This question-mark riddled group of relievers must bring resiliency and focus to the mound.  You would think those attributes would be givens but it's amazing how many relief pitchers take the ball with no plan in mind (SEE:  Armando Benitez).

Four:  Pedro Feliz doesn't swing at a pitch that looks like my three year-old's first unwitting attempt at throwing a slider. The pitchers that Feliz is facing are paid millions to throw strikes.  Swing at the strikes.  When a conventioneer goes to Vegas, does he immediately give in to the hooker with visible stretch marks, smoker-stained teeth and fat rolls?  The seasoned ones don't, or so I hear.  That outside slider that he bites on every time is the Major League equivalent to the D-List Vegas escort.  Since breaking into the Bigs in 2000, isn't it time for Feliz to look like a Major League hitter, and -for goddsakes!- stop trying to pull every single pitch into a 6-4-3 double play?!  And what's with my second mentioning of the world's oldest profession?  My wife's going to be thrilled with this post.

Five:  Hit the weights, run the track and eat your vitamins.  This team is still old and can break down at any given second.  It's clear that they need to remain healthy and, if they do, the cream will rise to the top of the division.  Stay healthy by any means necessary and when George Mitchell's not looking.  (I should write code for the NSA!)

Are my five keys too much to ask?  Probably.  When you read them from your couch, though, they're so easy to imagine!  You can envision it and absorb it all into your version of reality. 

March and the first game of Spring Training will do that to you.  I guess that's why they play real games in April through October.