Josh Q. Public:  I hope that you're happy now like you're supposed to be, and I know that this will hurt you more than it hurts me.  -Elvis Costello

Public Service Announcement:  OK, here we go!  What's crack-a-lacking sports fans?  Happy day, oh happy day.  Football season is over, it's all over.  The Indianapolis Colts stole the ball!  A couple more days of Peyton and  then it's on.  Screw 'em.  Screw 'em all!  Screw 'em from here to Tammany Hall.  From Buster Olney to Greg Dovel to Tom Verducci to bitter, sour grape eatin' Yankee fans everywhere.  It's baseball season and we got him! We really got him!  I don't care how much money we spent.  Like my main man the Hit Dog, Mo Vaughn, always says:  "It's not about the money."  Sure they put up a boatload of money.  A plethora of money.  More money than you can shake a stick at.  Put up all that Fabulous Moolah so no one else could touch him.  Smart!  Would you believe Maxwell Smart?  But it's not about that..  It's about winning ballgames.  And last I checked, pitching wins ball games.  See Chris Carpenter and the St. Louis Cardinals.  See the entire White Sox staff.  See Curt Schilling and the Boston Red Sox.  You're only as good as your next starter and all that.  Well our next starter is Daisuke Matsuzaka.  Make sure you spell it right.  The Gem of Japanese Baseball.  The Heaven Sent Child of Koshien.  I have my new favorite baseball player and he goes by the name of D-Mat.  Gy-ro-mite!  JJ Evans style.  Let me be the first American member of Generation Matsuzaka.  I can't wait to go down to Twins and get my brand spankin' new #18 Red Sox jersey.  I'd merely recycle my Benedict Damon shirt, but it just doesn't seem right.  I want a fresh start.  A fresh jump start for my heart.  Theo's a genius like Rene Descartes.  I am just crazy about this pick-up.  Patsy Cline Crazy.  Aerosmith Crazy.  Barry Zito?  Who needs him?  Jason Schmidt?  You can have him.  I want this guy right here.  He's got Jeff Ruland/Rick Mahorn stuff.  You remember.  McFilthy and McNasty.  Johnny Most style.  His fastball topped out over 100mph at the Athens Olympics.  He's not afraid to throw that cheese inside either.  I'm looking at you A-Broad.  The best slider in baseball today.  A knee buckling, mind bending, world beating pitch sure to amaze and mystify.  Put those pitches together with a Peteylike change and the demon gyroball, you get half man half incredible.  We needed a guy with experience and stamina.  Well, that's what we got.  His talent and work ethic are unmatched.  From Sawamura Award to Cy Young Award, D-Mat will deliver.  "I've watched him on video," said Phillies manager Charlie Manuel, "and with his stuff, he could win 25 games in our league."  You hear that sports fans?  Huh, did you?  And don't you dare make those stupid Fat Pussy Toad comparisons.  That guy was nowhere near D-Mat.  Couldn't touch him with a ten foot chop stick.  Our guy dominated in Japan and he dominated in the World Baseball Classic.  He's going to dominate in The Show, don't you worry.  So do me a favor, wouldya, wake the damn Bambino so D-Mat can drill him in the ass.  He's delightful, he's delicious, he's delectable, he's delirious, he's de limit, he's deluxe, he's de-lovely, he's D-Nice although he hates to admit it, he's taking out you suckers and you don't know how he did it.

Peace out homies.  Six two and Even!