It was like a scene from a bad movie, a very unpatriotic bad movie. Like perhaps Too Wong Fu, Thanks for Everything! Julie Newmar or Armageddon if it didn't have Bruce Willis in it (he's a real man, that Bruce Willis).

The US Open, that old-timey down-home tennis institution, played every year by a few sturdy American athletes and a bunch of foreigners, came to a conclusion with an American ready to dominate the final. And not just any American. This was Andy Roddick. The guy who turned Mandy Moore's knees into jello. A bastion of Americanness.

But something was amiss. The celebrities were out in full force for the event (so I'm told, I really didn't watch it), but something still just didn't feel right. Tiger Woods, the most recognizable American athlete on the planet, was spotted by television cameras sitting in the crowd as a special guest of Roddick's competition, Roger Federer, a self-proclaimed citizen of Switzerland.  And Woods was cheering for Federer. Poor Roddick just couldn't overcome that kind of treachery, and lost in four sets. 

Not since Wesley Snipes donned a dress and extensions has America been so insulted.

On the surface this seemed to be nothing more than one man's trite act of hatred for his own country, like spitting on the Liberty Bell or calling Thomas Jefferson "lard ass." But this goes much deeper than that superficial analysis. The real truth is buried deeper, and I'm here to tell you, loyal readers, it is horrifying.

Tiger Woods is a Swiss spy.

It all makes perfect sense now. Oh those sneaky Switzerlanders! Those 150 years of neutrality were nothing more than an elaborate ruse! A devious plan to lull the world into a chocolate-induced coma before striking full-force at the infrastructure of international democracy. But a plan like that needs operatives. A plan like that needs top class spies who can get into the most secure places on the planet, dine with dignitaries, and sleep with hoards of Stanford coeds.

Enter golf phenom Tiger Woods.

Think about it. Tiger Woods marries, out of nowhere, a Swedish nanny. SWeden is very similar to SWitzerland in spelling, blondes per capita, and extreme political radicalism. Then he signs on to endorse Tag Heuer watches, which are made, conveniently enough, in Switzerland. Coincidence? You tell me watchful American readers.

Recently, unmanned paparazzi spy planes en route to snap topless photos of Heidi Klum and hopefully not Seal in Germany discovered a massive Swiss Intelligence compound tucked away in the Alps. Closer examination of the photos revealed the complex contains numerous facilities used in espionage, including elaborate topographical maps (complete with very accurate ridges for all U.S. mountain ranges), a sausage laboratory, and a driving range. A driving range!

That we have discovered Tiger's loyalties at this point can only be seen as a fateful bit of luck. His original mission, as sent to him in a directive by Swiss Intelligence director Tobe Lerone, was to attend the US Open Final, wearing a Toby Keith T-shirt and cheering for Roddick like he was witnessing the best downhill luge race in history. This was intended to throw off any pesky American intelligence officials who were getting suspicious. But transmission of the message was interrupted, causing only a fraction of the mission statement to be transmitted to Tiger (or as he's known in Swiss spy circles "Agent Chompers"). Using top-secret decoder rings, that portion of the transmission was intercepted. It said only "InFILtraTE yaNKEe mAtch OF TenNis BaLL."

The logo on Tiger's hat is not a "T" and a "W." Squint your eyes and you'll notice it's a hand flipping America the bird.

We must act now to counter this cut-throat act of global espionage. If Tiger Woods is allowed to continue at this pace he will be able to outfit entire army units in highly disguising green jackets for combat. Can you imagine the horror? An entire army clad in green jackets and able to carry assault rifles, anti-aircraft weapons, toenail clippers and a toothpick in one convenient little pocket knife?

It's time for Tiger Woods to take his place in the pantheon of American traitors next to the likes of Benedict Arnold, Leopold, Loeb, and Hasselhoff. You can play on our Ryder Cup teams and you can count your victories in Majors as American ones, but after that, watch your back. You are dead to us Tiger Woods. Or would you prefer to be called Agent Chompers?