I'll never forget my first time. It was romantic, in an awkward, coming-of-age kind of way. My parents were out running errands and I had the house to myself, only a platonic friend there to experience the newness with me. I'll always remember the embarrassed, fumbling hesitancy, then the premature celebration, followed directly by humiliated crying.

Yes, watching my favorite team play in the NBA Finals for the first time was strangely magical.

Fans in Dallas and Miami find themselves staring down their respective teams' first trip to the NBA Finals. They're wide-eyed newcomers to all of this. I know how they feel, groping through the pubescent darkness of the sporting unknown, only a dimly oozing lava lamp and a skipping Boyz II Men CD to guide them.

I have been lucky enough to watch the Lakers play in five NBA Finals since my horrified adolescent eyes witnessed them being swept by the Pistons in 1989. I'm only in my mid-twenties, but my affinity for one of basketball's most successful franchises has made me a grizzled Finals veteran. I've experienced it all. My boys have swept and been swept. They've choked the life out of their opposition and just plain choked. From Magic to Madsen, Kareem (Abdul-Jabbar) to Kareem (Rush), I've witnessed every pulse-quickening, hair-pulling moment of it.

With that in mind I'd like to provide the average Heat and Mavericks fan with my own NBA Finals primer, just to give them an idea of some of the experiences that lie ahead. I know they've been through a lot already. The playoffs started back in April with games on NBA TV, for the love of David Stern. But that was child's play. You are about to subject your body and mind to one of the most rigorous tests known to the modern sports fan, the NBA Finals. Good luck and God speed brave souls.

Your Production at Work Will Slow to a Gheorghe Muresan Pace

Begin faking the wheezing cough right away. Complain of a developing sore throat to any coworker within earshot. Lay the groundwork now for the excuse you'll need later. When that report isn't finished by the deadline, or the flame-broiler isn't as clean as the manager demanded, you're going to need a better excuse than, "I was preoccupied with trying to figure out how we'll be able to beat that damn matchup zone tonight."

You Will Want to Strangle the Other Team's PA Announcer

Thank the Chicago Bulls for this one. At some point during the 90's someone in the Windy City decided it would be a good idea to turn pre-game introductions into a KISS concert. Every other NBA team has followed suit, with the phenomenon reaching its zenith in the 2004 Finals in Detroit, when I timed pre-game introductions at just short of nine hours. Seriously, the PA guy in Detroit takes an hour and a half just to call out Buh Buh Buh Buh Buh Buh Buh Buh Buh Buh Ben Ben Ben Ben W W W W W W W Wall Wallace's name. If ABC televises the starting lineup announcements, be prepared for an exhausting pyrotechnics bonanza that will stretch your patience further than Stephen A. Smith ever has. But it'll only bother you when your team plays on the road. Excessive introductions in the hometown arena will get you friggin' totally amped.

The Referees Will Screw Your Team Out of at Least One Win

Or so you'll believe. Seeing the same referees every game with this much on the line will send you spiraling into Michael Moore conspiracy theory mode. You'll pick apart the box scores and compare how many free throws each team shot in the fourth quarter. You'll scream, "let them play!" when your team is on defense and "call a foul!" when they have the ball, but it won't matter in the end. Just save yourself the aggravation and write one game off to horrible officiating before the first whistle is blown.

**This advice is especially relevant for Mavs fans because, as Mark Cuban will attest, the referees around the NBA have it out for you. In fact, before the champagne-soaked Western Conference Champions T-shirt had been peeled away from his fleshy man-boobs, Cuban was already compiling video evidence proving the referees are favoring Miami in this series. 

An Opposing Fan Will Hold a Homemade Sign That Will Make You Want to Fly Cross-Country and Beat Him

The most infuriating signs usually involve horribly ridiculous anagrams formed from the name of the network broadcasting the series, or a popular player or coach. You will recognize the worst of them right away, but they will probably carry slogans such as:

MiAmi Heat                         Simply                            Always

      Basketball                                       THe                                   Very

      Champions                                  GreAtest at                          Energetic

                                                              BasQuetball                          Right

                                                                                                                Yasmine Bleeth?

These signs are asinine and make no sense whatsoever, but don't give in to temptation and fly halfway across the country to hunt down some kid who made a ridiculous sign in his garage with poster board and a magic marker. First of all, plane tickets are expensive these days. We're at the beginning of summer vacation season, and you'll be getting them last minute. Besides, you may be forced to sit through an entire Adam Sandler movie on the flight. It's just not worth it. Put your trust in Natural Selection. The idiotic sign makers will get their comeuppance in the form of a schoolyard bully, or rabid wild boar, soon enough.

Your Girlfriend (Or Boyfriend) Just Won't Understand

I once had a girlfriend who made the mistake of mockingly laughing "Ha Ha" as the other team celebrated an NBA Finals victory over the Lakers. Needless to say I realized quite quickly she wasn't "the one." Fortunately this event took place early in our relationship, as I don't believe "disparaging remarks in reference to the Los Angeles Lakers" would have constituted grounds for divorce. Explain to your significant other ahead of time the magnitude of the event, and let her (or him) know that such disrespect cannot be tolerated. If she (or he) loves you, she (or he) will give you some breathing room. Promise to take her (or him) to the next Reese Witherspoon movie as soon as the series ends. That should smooth things over just right.

Your CWPM (Curse Words Per Minute) Rate Will Skyrocket the Next Two Weeks

You may be a preacher by day. You may counsel orphans and volunteer in a soup kitchen during your spare time. But as soon as game one tips off you will find yourself overcome with the desire to curse like Andrew Dice Clay getting a bikini wax. Just remember that it's not you talking, it's the pressure. When you start screaming at the television about some heinous act involving an opposing player and an invertebrate member of the animal kingdom, don't beat yourself up over it. This is the NBA Finals. The god you believe in will understand. I believe the good book states, "Thou shalt not be smitten for transgressions against your fellow man during the NBA Finals." Maybe I'm paraphrasing a bit, but you get the idea. Let the expletives fly!

Finally, if the Other Team's Star Players Begin Appearing on Letterman and Leno......

.....well, there's always next year (Unless you're a Heat fan. Sorry, this is your only chance).