(10) Richard Layton: The assistant football coach at Viewmont High School in Utah entered a plea of no contest to a charge of misdemeanor animal cruelty and was sentenced to 30 hours of community service. Layton was videotaped stepping on a pheasant during an Oct. 26 game against American Fork High School after two teens had released the bird onto the field as a prank. The pheasant was badly injured and was later destroyed.

(9) Kyle Petty: There's no bigger Richard Petty supporter in the country than me. I practically go rabid when I hear racing fans proclaim Dale Earnhardt Sr. to be the greatest driver ever. But it's time for Kyle to concede that dad's talent - and grandpa Lee's, for that matter - didn't get passed down via genetics. He's now 0-for-27 at the Daytona 500 and winless on the NASCAR circuit since the MBNA 400 way back in 1995. Today's trip in the No. 45 Dodge was more of the same: 34th place and not even close to competitive.

(8) The Jamestown Vikings: Seven members of the Western New York minor-league hockey team, apparently fueled by alcohol, could be staring at felony criminal mischief charges for severely trashing a century-old building they mistakenly believed was owned by the man who ran their team and hadn't paid them in about two months. The players, who had recently learned that the cash-starved Mid-Atlantic Hockey League was suspending operations, told police that many of them were sleeping on mattresses on the floor with no access to showers. And trashing the building was going to fix that problem how?

(7) NHL parity: Take away the Dallas Stars' 9-1 record in the last 10 games and Columbus' 2-5-3 mark and no one in the league is exceptionally good or bad. The other 28 teams are all between 3-7-0 and 6-2-2 lately. Boring, boys. Boring.

(6) Danielle Ammaccapane: If you or I did our jobs as poorly as Ammaccapane, we'd be unemployed and condemned to a life of blogging from mom's basement for 46 cents a day in Google AdSense revenue. Ammaccapane opened her 2008 campaign on the LPGA Tour with an 81-81-MC (by 15 strokes) at the SBS Open at Turtle Bay. She was 0-for-8 in reaching the weekend last season and just 4-for-18 in 2006 with a best finish of tied for 35th. Face it, Dani girl, it's time to start your career in sales. Practice this phrase: "Do you want fries with that?"

(5) St. Mary's Academy: The small religious school north of Topeka is in hot water with the Kansas State High School Activities Association for refusing to allow Michelle Campbell to referee a boys basketball game at its gym this month. According to Gary Campbell, the association's executive director, the reason given was that as a woman, she could not be put in a position of authority over boys because of the academy's beliefs. Far be it for me to point out to the St. Mary's folks that Jesus was born to and raised by a woman. I presume Mary had some authority over the son of God for a number of years, so a 32-minute basketball game pretty much pales in comparison.

(4) Miami Heat (9-42): I hope these guys are taking up a collection for Kareem Rush, whose bad night from the field is all that stands between the Heat and a 25-game losing streak since Christmas. Rush was 5-for-16 in the Pacers' 98-96 loss to the Heat on Jan. 26. One more loss and we're moving these guys to Washington and renaming them the Generals.

(3) Willie Gary: The former Rams defensive back filed suit against the Patriots in U.S. District Court in New Orleans, seeking $100 million because New England's alleged taping of a walk-through practice the day before the Super Bowl in 2002 may have cost St. Louis the game. Yo, Willie, you played in seven whole games and made exactly one tackle. Let real players file superfluous suits. You just stick to the common man's more traditional shakedowns, like going after McDonald's for making their coffee too hot.

(2) Rep. Dan Burton: I realize that I'm late to the party on this one, but the Indiana Republican behaved like the north end of a southbound horse during the Roger Clemens steroids hearing on Capitol Hill last week. His scolding of Brian McNamee - "You're here under oath, and yet we have lie after lie after lie after lie" - was undignified even for a political hack. Remember, boys and girls, there are three great American lies: (1) "The check is in the mail." (2) "Of course I'll still respect you in the morning." And (3) "I want to go to Washington to serve my constituents."

(1) Kelvin Sampson: He was given the second chance that few of us ever get when Indiana hired him to coach basketball two years ago with the full knowledge that he was under investigation at Oklahoma for acts that could not be construed as anything other than cheating. At a time when text messages were a gray area - legal but annoying to a lot of recruits - that all coaches exploited, Sampson opted for the black area and broke NCAA rules by making 577 improper phone calls while at Oklahoma. He got caught and must have known he would be scrutinized for his phone behavior at Indiana. So what is he alleged to have done in Bloomington? How about making or orchestrating 100 more impermissible calls? It adds up to what the NCAA regards as five major violations. He's innocent until proven guilty, of course, but that doesn't make him any less stupid. Yo, Kelv, next time you pick up a phone, make sure it's to order a pizza or to dial one of those 976 numbers to talk to Insatiable Suzi for $2.99 a minute.