For some reason, at first, Godell didn't want to admit it, but after the question was posed and a moment of hard staring had passed, the NFL commissioner finally admitted the truth. "We've changed our suspension policy."

He grinned mischievously, before adding "rather, I changed it, because I'm the only one who thinks around here."

Some would say a change was long overdue. One might believe that the change came due to the inconsistency in punishment making the entire exercise seem arbitrary and personal. Complaints from the prior season ranged from a non-standard penalty to players, to not allowing courts full time to rule on the subject matter and deem guilt or innocence, to punishing those who had already been previously held accountable for the actions. But these complaints, while logical, had nothing to do with Godell's decision.

The change of policy actually came to him during the NFL owner's meeting last spring. "NFL fans were angry. They were angry that while players on their team were being unfairly persecuted, other teams got to employ rarely punished thugs and miscreants." Giggled Godell like and excited schoolgirl. "So... the owners weren't sure if this was cutting into their profit margin, and actually allowing them to back up the claim that they've been losing money."

"A couple of weeks later I was out to dinner, and I had a busboy fired for looking directly at me. For the rest of the night, everything that went wrong was blamed on that busboy." Godell's eyes were now following a fly around the room. "The busboy, after he was fired, apparently poured me the wrong drink, overcooked my steak, and made the waitress fondle me. It was during the fondling that it occurred to me. Suspend players who don't have jobs. No one can get angry about it, but it still looks like I'm being really tough on bad behavior." This week, unemployed NFLers Mike Anderson and Shane Olivia were added to that list.

"Man, I don't get it." Said Mike Anderson when reached for comment, "I mean, I've been telling people for years I smoke weed... since I was in Denver. I was in the military. That stuff messes you up. I smoked weed to keep it straight, but everyone seemed cool with it. Then boom, I lose my job in Baltimore and now I'm suspended. Suspended from what? Looking for a job? Man, screw that."

When asked for comment, suspended former Cincinnati wide receiver Chris Henry simply made violent gestures and various grunts. The writer assumes he was either overwhelmed by his emotions concerning the subject, or jacked up beyond all belief.

This new trend in suspension policy has brought worry to certain NFL free agents. "I'm actually smoking weed right now." Said Travis Henry from his home. "I'm not a fool. I sued the NFL, got my way, and then got cut. I'd rather be suspended for actually smoking the weed over "presenting an image unbecoming the NFL" or whatever stuff he's claiming now. I know which way the wind is blowing."

"I actually received a call last week." Said a current NFL free agent who did not want to be named, but was once a lineman for the New Orleans Saints and Cleveland Browns (whose name rhymes with ReCharles Rently) "They wanted to know if I was on drugs any time in the last year and a half. I said, "yeah, sure, antibiotics for the staph infection", and then they seriously asked me "what, God won't heal you?"... I didn't know what to say. I need to find a job quick though. Seriously, I'll play for anyone right now."

From atop his new dark tower, Godell beamed. "See, this is the ultimate plan. I'm tough on crime... on bad behavior. I'm doing what this country should have been doing in the first place and punishing people without representation. Now, I've even figured out a way to do it without making anyone angry. I'm that good." Then, just before ending the interview, the commissioner's face became somber again.

"Next, I'm coming after retired players. Terry Bradshaw? I saw "Failure to Launch" last night. You're suspended. Michael Strahan better keep up on his divorce settlement. And Michael Irvin? I've got my eye on you."

* This is not an actual article. No players or commissioners were accurately portrayed in the writing of this story. The author claims no responsibility for the contents, unless you found it to be awesome, in which case, it was totally me.