97 races!! Now that's a streak!

Think of that Jr or Jeff Gordon fans when you consider what mountains of mediocrity you're drivers have experienced (or are experiencing). Until your driver has to go the better part of three seasons without endangering the W column you can't complain (although I'd recommend that Jr fans should start practicing).

Perhaps the most incredible thing, however, was that I only remember hearing the TV team compare Phoenix to a road course once during the broadcast. Which begs the question why do we never hear them comment, half way though a race at Sonoma or The Glen "Y'know, this place drives a lot like a Phoenix or Pocono......."

Now the dust has settled, and indeed started to be kicked up again ahead of Talledega, AFNK can kick certain drivers while their down and raise others back up again into the light, or towards the spinning cieling of doom depending on their performance.

Sterling Marlin - Sterling was in the #09 Missuscokkie (or whatever) car, and managed to do well enough. He got his car in the race and kept it out of the AFNK frame for next week, which is not finishing in the bottom three if you haven't realised already. He finished a whopping 40th, credited with 117 laps and out after an accident, which is odd as I don't remember an accident on lap 117, and I'd imagine it harder to get away with posting an imaginary crash as your reason for parking..................................9/10

Dave Blaney - Something has clearly gone wrong at Prism HQ! After two fine weeks of spot on 49 laps outings, Dave managed to overshoot his mark this week and complete 10 extra laps. In the process he (shock and horror) cost Phil Parsons money, and unwittingly caught out Tony Raines' Dodge team, who had obviously also spotted the 49 pattern and were unprepared to much further in their pursuit of the dollar. After parking the #66 (brakes this week apparently - well, they figured they couldn't use that one next week) Dave was called into the Prism caravan (it's not a trailer or motorhome) and fired for a "Maths Malfunction", to be replaced by Michael McDowell (he must have a better GPA or something) for 'Dega.............10/10

Kevin Harvick - As if you needed me to tell you - all is not well at RCR and Kevin Harvick could pretty much be the canary in the coal mine if you want to assess the health of the organisation. And for every race that the RCR cars are right at the front when it counts, there is another when they're no-where the front and having to fight in NASCAR's sewer, where Joey Logano and Michael Waltrip float by. From last year when they were NASCAR's fourth team they've fallen back into the clutches of Penske and MWR (or two-thirds of it) for that title...............6/10

Juan Montoya - A quiet week for Juan (especially by his normal standards) and a 24th place finish, although quickly adding that that's one spot ahead of the esteemed Mr. J. Gordon lends some respectibility to that result. And now, let us briefly fast forward a week to Talledega. Let's imagine Juan wins (and it's not as daft as it sounds) - it'll make the canning of that same Jeff Gordon a few years ago look like a mere Aluminium shower...............5/10

David Ragan - Maybe I'm to quick to curse David, after saddling him with the AFNK curse last week, but can I add the curse of the breakthrough win to that ever growing voodoo list. The curse is self explanatory - a driver who has had an impending break through win talked about so much and the fans have got themselves so prepared for it that it never comes and the driver slowly disappears into the shadows. I hope it doesn't happen (the same goes for a few other drivers who are in line for the curse) but not everyone can win a race and it might not be them. However, despair not Ragan fan, things are looking up - you'll pleased to know he beat Paul Menard - 22nd to 23rd......................6/10

Marcos Ambrose - Marcos' "how?, who? what?" de facto rookie year in the Sprint Cup continues to knock spots off the real rookies - bearing in mind one of them does actually have spots there's still some way to go. This week saw NASCAR's foremost gold prospector move up from 29th start to finish 14th after yet another dalience with the top-10, which drew yet more surprised comments from the TV and yet abouther random anecdote about him - there can only be so many of them they can bring out before they have to start talking about his driving........................3/10

Sam Hornish Jr. - OK............ Right............. 9th................... Hornish.............. Sam................. I have to say these things very slowly as they are having genuine trouble sinking in. I have said previously within this very column that Dodge might be getting something right and Sideways Sam's very un-sideways run into the top-10 might just be showing it. Of course, I'm taking nothing away from the driver. However, if Sam can keep the car off the wall and other cars this week, why can't he do it most other weeks. It shows some promise, and so may I wonder about Penske shuffling the teams to put Sam with a different crew and see if he can turn top-10s from a novelty to normality.............2/10

And the Brikkie goes to.................................

Well, normally a guy who makes a move like Michael Waltrip would be a shoe in. However, the fact that he euthanised Robby Gordon means that he almost did everyone else a favour. So it's the tag team antics of two previous Brikkie victims - Dale Earnhardt Jr. and Casey Mears - that earn the "award" this week. We know they feel together, being the fourth wheel at their respective teams, but can't keep their little get togethers until they're off the track and out of the way of actual race car drivers. However, in a, rare positive Brikkie moment I am glad to see NASCAR actually put the two of them on probation for six races, when it would have been easier (and less surprising) to see nothing done. And given what happened last time they bolter restrictors to the engine, it's just another reason for Dale Jr fans to be a little concerned.

Next Week

Here's Dega! Tony Raines completes the formality of AFNK, despite not even being on the entry list, Michael McDowell replaces Blaney in the #66 (I can see a DNQ coming) and Joe Nemechek returns to where he belongs - right here. Michael Waltrip makes another appearence while Kyle Busch and Matt Kenseth look like potential winners, as does maybe (and whisper this quietly) Martin Truex Jr.

........that's the only way I can explain it. The Texas race was NASCAR's offering for April Fools. After being exposed in all it's glory by the much storied, much argued, Car and Driver article it was clear that France, Helton and company needed something big. So the men at the top set about writing the script for the typical NASCAR race.

An incredibly boring intermediate track race, a Hendrick car wins, Kyle Busch annoys vast swathes of humanity, Dave Blaney runs 49 laps, Sam Hornish spins and Dale Jr forgets to pit.

The joke was very, very subtle. So subtle many would have missed it. Paul Menard. He finished 13th. He didn't crash. Even once. There is no way that happened naturally. It's just, well, unnatural.

This week's AFNK takes a look at 7 of the minor players in NASCAR's great wool-over-eyes project, in the way only AFNK can.

Todd Bodine - Todd didn't even get to try out an encore of his three lap routine, coming in the second slowest in qualifying, over 2/10ths slower than the slowest on time qualifier, and when you think that under 7/10ths covered 1st to 42nd. That's the whole gamut from Hendrick to half-wits. But the surprise wasn't that he failed to qualify, it was that he has a sponsor. Which kind of company (Mambo Restaurants by the way) would want to sponsor Bodine after Martinsville. There are better teams you can get your name on - maybe even Blaney and Nemechek. Either something has gone terribly wrong somewhere of the man responsible for sponsorship for the 64 car could sell ice to eskimoes!...............13/10

Joe Nemechek - Joe too missed the field, and also had a sponsor. However, Joe's failure was far more worthy of a AFNK on the proper scale. He lost out to Dave Blaney .012 of a second, which on a 1.5 mile oval is probably amount this much............................................................................................10/10

Dave Blaney - I have spotted a pattern! Presuming af course not all part of NASCAR's ruse that I have stumbled across, Dave and the Prism team - no sponsor there - completed 49 laps for the second race running. Now, 49 seems to be far too close to 50 for two consequetive for it to be random, moth related, fainting and fluffy cushion caused randomness. So, what betting that, presuming Blaney makes Phoenix, we see 49 laps of Blaney before, oh, I don't know, a "bearings" failure before the 49ers cash in....................9/10

Aric Almirola - Just weeks after AFNK passed comment on the (at least short term) end of Travis Kvapil's Cup career, I get to do it again! If this is the beginning of somesort of AFNK curse can it please take Todd Bodine next? With Earnhardt/Ganassi shutting down the #8 team with immediate effect Texas could well be the epitaph to Almirola's short, uneventful, unsucessful foray. His 33rd place finish, from a 41st starting spot is as good a summing up as you could hope for in a single race - anonymous, deeply average and basically only comment worthy when he's shredding tyres - and that was last week...................8/10

Reed Sorenson - Reed is fast joining the ranks of the Robby Gordon's of this world in the category of "drivers who promise much but never achieve". Another weekend in the 30s - 36th finish, 38th start just about illustrates the level of the glass ceiling Reed is head-butting against. But just ponder this for a second. Reed left Ganassi because, as far as he could see, the team was going nowhere. He wound up in a Dodge - a car that only performs if your name is Allmendinger or Kahne and you're on a good day, while Ganassi merged to Chevy and are giving Juan Montoya career day after career day..............8/10

Mark Martin - It's about time M&M had some good luck. After an off-season move that had many (including myself, quietly) pushing him forward as a title competitor (although I also said Greg Biffle would win the Cup...) his early season has been horrid. Texas finally started so to see him come good, leading laps and finishing 6th, one of the seemingly few drivers who was capable of making permenent progress amongst all the green-flaggery, improving from 23rd. His 6th place, especially in this week's clutch also landed him top AFNK performer, being the only one to finish above 30th....................2/10

David Ragan - It's luckless David Ragan (is this another strike of the AFNK curse as he seems to be here a lot) who was once more beaten by Paul Menard. However, this week it wasn't all his fault as David was the victim of yet another high-profile-good-run ending engine failure that saw him forced to trade in a top 5 run for a big fat DNF...............3/10

And The Brikkie Goes To...............

Can I not just throw a Brikkie at the whole race? No? Damn it! It's going to have to be Dale Earnhardt Jr. again then. Once more Jr showed himself to be, dare I say it, average on the track and just plain awful on pit road. For the umpteenth time this season Dale was bemoaning his pit crew, this time for not being obvious enough, suggesting they'd cut a few feet off his pit pole. Just face it Jr. it's not all going to be their fault. However, there is a way we can put Jr's inability to pit to good use. Stick him in the #66 car! They don't like making too many pit stops, neither does Jr., Jr. makes a hatful of money in merchandise for being average, Parson's moths need the money. Jr. gets more excuses. Oh, and Dave Blaney gets the #88 car. Everyone's happy!

Next Week

AFNK, along with the Cup series takes a week off for Easter, but will return for Phoenix, with what, on paper could be an interesting bunch. David Ragan returns (see, I told you he was here a lot, Sam Hornish tries not to swap paint with anything, old sparring partners Juan Montoya and Kevin Harvick (during a season when their career success levels appear to have crossed, along with Dave Blaney (still in the #66), Mike Bliss (or whoever is in the #09) and seeing which Marcos Ambrose will turn up - the car destroying one, or the surprising top-10 getting one.  

OK, I'll admit, I was all ready to write an intro comparing 500 laps of the Paperclip to a few hours stuck in a washer-dryer on a spin cycle, or an afternoon pacing up and down a particularly narrow, uninteresting hallway, you know one that doesn't have pictures on the wall, or windows, or a carpet.

However, that wasn't bad was it. Perhaps because finally Jimmie Johnson had to pass someone at Martinsville to win even the ending was fairly decent, although I was cheering for Denny to catch back up and smear 48 car on a wall somewhere.

Unfortunately they can't all be like that, and we're going to Texas next week, and I doubt we'll even have Michael McDowell cheating death to talk about this year.

Anyway, back to the main attraction. Seven drivers, or six and Todd Bodine, get the AFNK once over. Let the chaos begin.

Todd Bodine - What the Flying Fruit was that! You run three flipping laps and expect us to believe you had an engine problem. That wasn't an engine problem, you just forgot to put your foot on the "go" pedal. How can you have an engine problem after three laps. Is your engine made out of whipped cream, or crepe paper. Is it even possible to make a three lap engine, it's not even like you were going very fast. As for a rating, the only barrier is common decency, which is something I lack so............26/10.

Dave Blaney - And we don't have to go very far up the ranking to find Mr. Blaney do we? Prism Motorsport's owners have been quoted as saying they would try and run about half-a-dozen races properly over the year. Which races you going to try that one at. Surely a short track race where you go from 39th to 23rd in 40-odd laps is a good bet? That's the only reason I can think of for stopping after that run. The crew, still emotionally fragile after last week's devastating moth attack, were so overcome at Dave's upward progress that between moping up the shock-related nosebleed's and running around trying to put fluffy cushions under fainting pit crew (we wouldn't want them to hurt themselves) they simply didn't have time to work on car...............9/10

Joe Nemechek - And another field filler/start and parker, although Joe was the, erm "best" of them, completing a whopping 90 laps. However, they appeared to all be completed at walking pace. Everytime the blue and yellow car (the livery, along with the speed makes him unmistakable) was in view it was going painfully slowly. I get it, he might have been getting out the way of the leaders (it was them the camera was focused on), but if you're going that slowly on a short track then you're pretty much a hazard at all times..........9/10

David Ragan - David's day pretty much summed up the problems that the entire Roush stable suffered. There was contact - with Robby Gordon (who was back to his best "arrow without feathers" form for Martinsville). Other than that David's day was quiet. No, it was almost silent, before ending up in the 20-something parking lot in the running order that saw 4 of the 5 Roushketeers, within 6 places, and saw David being beaten by Paul Menard - oh the indignity!..................7/10

Jamie McMurray - And we come to the only Roush car that escaped from the 20-somethings, finishing 10th, and coming in top Ford (although that's not as hard as you might like to think). Aside from that take on his finish, McMurray was another one to have a quiet race. Are quiet races the best races to have on short tracks?. So quiet infact that his main exposure of the week came either from the continuing spat with Juan Montoya and his chase for money he has in accounts held by piggy-eyed-strangely-cricket-loving-fraudster Allen Stanford in time to pay his taxes................4/10

Ryan Newman - Ryan has had some new training this week. Nope, not some sort of publicity stunt with Army recruits to tie into his sponsorship. Nope, he has been given special "think short" training. After posting back-to-back top-10s round Bristol and Martinsville, against a clutch of sub-20th placings at the big tracks, his team are experimenting with a new technique. As such Ryan will be encouraged to think of Texas Motor Speedway as three short tracks, rather than one big one..............2/10

Tony Stewart - My betting is Tony's eye's popped out on stalks, cartoon style, as he saw both the 11 and 48 crabbing their way towards that wall. Tony's car probably found an extra handful of mph, as well as Stewart himself trying the go faster thrusts (even if you don't think you know what these are, you do) to try and fit into the rapidly closing gap, which, as rapidly closing gaps are want to do, rapidly closed, before Tony could get past anyone, leaving him 3rd. Urgh, 3rd, what a disappointment..................2/10

And the Brikkie goes to................

Well, Todd Bodine is the obvious choice, but I think I've already given him the once over, so I'll award this week's Brikkie to an ensemble cast of hopelessness, so in no particular order........

Robby Gordon for returning to form and being a hazard to just about everyone. Aric Almirola and David Gilliland for managing to go though enough tyres to make collecting Air Miles on Phil Parson's moths worthwhile. Kyle Busch for giving the Jr zealots some more ammunition by using Scott Speed as an additionaly brake and the FOX TV crew for suggesting that Joey Logano's 32nd place consituted a good run (although does that say more about Joey than FOX?)

Next Week

The return to big tracks puts David Ragan back on the list. Mark Martin and Reed Sorenson get on the 2009 lists for the first time, and tyre-shredding Aric Almirola gets the full AFNK treatment. Oh, and joy unconfined Joe Nemechek, Dave Blaney and Todd Bodine. Come on guys, surprise me!

It's difficult to believe that any sense comes out of the thought processes that result in AFNK, but occasionally I stumble across a fine idea.

I think we're all pretty much fed up with the phalanx of Field Fillers who have taken to appearing at Cup events. Those who race their way into the field, then circulate just long enough to pay lip service to racing before pulling into the pits and starting to make the excuses.

The three "greatest" (if that's even applicable to this lot) exponents of this trade in 2009 have been;

Joe Nemechek - 5 starts, 420 laps completed, $390,000 earnt,

Dave Blaney - 4 starts, 214 laps completed, $305,000 earnt and.....

Todd Bodine - 3 starts, 288 laps completed, $236,000 earnt

Bodine's 3 lap escapade round Martinsville at the weekend brought the field fillers into sharp focus for just about everyone, although this is balanced out by his completion of an incredible 227 laps at Las Vegas.

227 laps! My, that's almost a race!

And just about everyone agrees that they're not doing NASCAR any good, especially in the short term - they're not bringing in any sponsors, and appear to be drawing almost 100% criticism from anyone who can string a sentence together.

NASCAR has suggested making them explain their timely parking, showing them exactly what is wrong with the car and not being allowed to retire unless it's perfectly clear - one wheel hanging off, 60ft jet of flame out the engine, no steering wheel etc. etc.

However, I'll put forward another idea.

Minimum distances.

This idea is already used in a number of racing series around the world, although it is currently mostly confined to endurance racing.

But isn't NASCAR endurance racing? American Le Mans Series races (one of the championships that uses this rule) has races regularly 2 and 1/2 half hours long. Compare that to the race at Martinsville at the weekend, which lasted a full hour longer.

Under the ALMS rules a car must complete a percentage, I believe 75%, of the laps completed by the leader to be eligable for points. A similar system is used by the famous Le Mans 24hrs race, where a car has to complete 70% of the leader's laps and be running at the finish to be officially classified. Of course at Le Mans there are no points on the line, only the kudos of completing one of the world's historic races.

For the NASCAR version, let's go a step further. A team should have to complete a certain distance before being eligable for points and prize money. Prize money, after all is what motivates these field fillers.

The prize money would also mean that marginally less capital would have to invested in the race, if you expect not to have to give out prize money to the lowest finishers, then that's money you don't have to put forward, or money you can use to inflate the purses of the top finishers.

The exact percentage that a NASCAR racer would have to complete would vary from race to race, from track to track, with the exact number being worked out by people far better paid, and far more statistically minded than myself. The aim being that it encourages teams to complete as many laps as possible, while trying to find a balance so bone fide, but unlucky racers who are left stranded below the percentage by no fault of their own.

Of course, in any system like this there will be those innocents caught in the cross hairs. None of teams that fell below the ALMS's bar at Sebring a few weeks ago came with the intention of only running a handful of laps. They all wanted to win and were just unlucky, and unfortunately have been left pointless by the rules.

The same goes for NASCAR. There is no way Matt Kenseth could have made a minimum percentage at Las Vegas, when his engine expired after only 6 laps.

However, the system will force field fillers to make up to a minimum distance before making their shame faced retirement. However, once having made the minimum distance they might actually decide to race, trying to grapple their way up the order. After all, they already had to use tyres and fuel to get to the minimum, they want as much prize money to repay that expenditure. 

Shock as sports commentator uses cliches instead of words with actual meaning!

Like that's anything new!

There is no escape from disgruntled NASCAR fans. After a Bristol race people complained there wasn't enough contact. These are probably the same people who will be forming lynch mobs the next time Kyle Busch/Juan Montoya (delete where applicable) lays a bumper on anyone.

7 more drivers get my spleen vented all over their weekends, with analysis akin to the kind of searching for Waldo, and statistics akin to, erm, some really bad statistics.

Mike Bliss - Mike couldn't be with us this week, but we have Sterling Marlin in the #09 instead. Well, first thing is first, he actually qualified for the race ahead of Mayfield and Riggs (what's happened to those two since Daytona?). He then proceeded to be plonked on the back of the grid (stupid rule) but you had to go all the way to 28th starter Joe Nemechek to find a car faster than him. Sterling made the grand total of 91 laps before a typically mysterious steering failure. However, those 91 laps put him 40th, which means he can have another mysterious failure away from our prying eyes next week.........9/10

Dave Blaney - This hurts - Dave came within a few sentences of getting the Brikkie this week (I bet you can't guess who is....). He qualified 8th! I believe my exact words started with the initials F and M when I saw that. I was full of hope that it might mean the #66 car paying more than lip service to racing. No such luck! Staying out on the first caution (what's the betting the same F word was muttered when Jimmie Johnson pulled the same trick?) all was good. Unfortunately another driver (who shall remain nameless) appeared to have as much control over his car as a 4 year old boy over his pee-pee, pranging poor Dave. Just about the next time the #66 was shown it was driving sedately through the garage, apparently with "Steering Failure". Seemed to be steering in the garage fine. What actually happened was Dave's radio call to "put new tyres on it" caused Phil Parsons to open his wallet, blinding the crew as the hoard of moths flew to freedom..........8/10

Travis Kvapil - This is unfortunately, probably, Travis' AFNK swansong, with his team shutting down due to lack of sponsorship. Travis again made the race on speed, and finished 18th. Let's take, by way of comparison, I don't know, Paul Menard. He finished 25th and sits only one place in the standings (34 points) ahead of Travis, despite having one more start after being gifted Kvapil's owner points. No, no, no, no, no. If Mr Menard Sr is desperate to have his name on a car then surely you can stump up enough for two cars, or better yet, pull your son out and put the logos on the Kvapil-wagon. Or better yet race-tape Paul to the hood of the car................5/10

AJ Allmendinger - A quiet week of AJ. Qualifying 26th and finishing 16th. All the fenders on the car, no noses out of joint, more points under the belt. He is 16th overall in points, locked in for Martinsville and beyond, still on the entry lists. It's all good..............4/10

Sam Hornish Jr - I was getting worried that Sam might be able to have a week without having some involvement in an accident. Then he happened to be near Jamie McMurray (who must have had a contact magnet in his car for all the boucing off stuff he did) with inevitable results. Sam had very little damage and carried on as normal (or perhaps he's so used to dented cars he doesn't notice them anymore) to finish 31st...........6/10

Juan Montoya - You can always count on Juan to keep things interesting (which is good, because sometimes you need it). What was Jamie McMurray expecting after he bumper Montoya out of the way - the phrase "red rag to a bull" springs to mind - and as you would expect Juan laid a bumper on him, spinning him round. The fact that that was the only real contact Juan had on his way to a top-10 finish I think speaks volumes about how he has progressed since he first showed up in NASCAR's top league (almost quite literally in ball of flame).................3/10

Kasey Kahne - OK, I admit, I was wrong. In the preview paragraph for this week's AFNK I relegated Kasey to a supporting role. While he may have supported in action he took the glory of the 7 drivers here for results, finishing 5th (his first top five of the season). He snuck there quietly (again, all the fenders on the car, no noses out of joint) as top Dodge, 10 spots ahead of the fastest Ford. Whisper it quietly, but I think Dodge might have something right in their new car....................2/10

And the Brikkie goes to............

John Andretti. Why is he even here? This man is everything I hate. He's borrowed someone else's owner points, he's slow, he's anonymous and yet somehow he's in the top-35 for Martinsville. Never has the foam brick been hurled forth with such vigour as when he spun Dave Blaney while trying to be first car a lap down. Oh no! That's right! He was the only car a lap down, after going to investigate the Inertia Trash Cans guarding the pit lane. You don't need to race every car, especially if you're a lap down, especially that early in the race, especially at a short track where a Lucky Dog giving caution is only a slip and a slide away, especially when your (lack of) driving skill makes you very prone to being the one who is likely to slip and slide.

Next Week

A tale of the team mates, as the Stewart-Hass duo get examined, 25ths of Roush - The Ragan and McMurray portions get looked at and a potential nightmare as Dave Blaney, Todd Bodine and Joe Nemechek battle it out to be last. I guarantee you at least one will cite a Rear End problem as they park their car to count the cash.