OK, I'll admit, I was all ready to write an intro comparing 500 laps of the Paperclip to a few hours stuck in a washer-dryer on a spin cycle, or an afternoon pacing up and down a particularly narrow, uninteresting hallway, you know one that doesn't have pictures on the wall, or windows, or a carpet.

However, that wasn't bad was it. Perhaps because finally Jimmie Johnson had to pass someone at Martinsville to win even the ending was fairly decent, although I was cheering for Denny to catch back up and smear 48 car on a wall somewhere.

Unfortunately they can't all be like that, and we're going to Texas next week, and I doubt we'll even have Michael McDowell cheating death to talk about this year.

Anyway, back to the main attraction. Seven drivers, or six and Todd Bodine, get the AFNK once over. Let the chaos begin.

Todd Bodine - What the Flying Fruit was that! You run three flipping laps and expect us to believe you had an engine problem. That wasn't an engine problem, you just forgot to put your foot on the "go" pedal. How can you have an engine problem after three laps. Is your engine made out of whipped cream, or crepe paper. Is it even possible to make a three lap engine, it's not even like you were going very fast. As for a rating, the only barrier is common decency, which is something I lack so............26/10.

Dave Blaney - And we don't have to go very far up the ranking to find Mr. Blaney do we? Prism Motorsport's owners have been quoted as saying they would try and run about half-a-dozen races properly over the year. Which races you going to try that one at. Surely a short track race where you go from 39th to 23rd in 40-odd laps is a good bet? That's the only reason I can think of for stopping after that run. The crew, still emotionally fragile after last week's devastating moth attack, were so overcome at Dave's upward progress that between moping up the shock-related nosebleed's and running around trying to put fluffy cushions under fainting pit crew (we wouldn't want them to hurt themselves) they simply didn't have time to work on car...............9/10

Joe Nemechek - And another field filler/start and parker, although Joe was the, erm "best" of them, completing a whopping 90 laps. However, they appeared to all be completed at walking pace. Everytime the blue and yellow car (the livery, along with the speed makes him unmistakable) was in view it was going painfully slowly. I get it, he might have been getting out the way of the leaders (it was them the camera was focused on), but if you're going that slowly on a short track then you're pretty much a hazard at all times..........9/10

David Ragan - David's day pretty much summed up the problems that the entire Roush stable suffered. There was contact - with Robby Gordon (who was back to his best "arrow without feathers" form for Martinsville). Other than that David's day was quiet. No, it was almost silent, before ending up in the 20-something parking lot in the running order that saw 4 of the 5 Roushketeers, within 6 places, and saw David being beaten by Paul Menard - oh the indignity!..................7/10

Jamie McMurray - And we come to the only Roush car that escaped from the 20-somethings, finishing 10th, and coming in top Ford (although that's not as hard as you might like to think). Aside from that take on his finish, McMurray was another one to have a quiet race. Are quiet races the best races to have on short tracks?. So quiet infact that his main exposure of the week came either from the continuing spat with Juan Montoya and his chase for money he has in accounts held by piggy-eyed-strangely-cricket-loving-fraudster Allen Stanford in time to pay his taxes................4/10

Ryan Newman - Ryan has had some new training this week. Nope, not some sort of publicity stunt with Army recruits to tie into his sponsorship. Nope, he has been given special "think short" training. After posting back-to-back top-10s round Bristol and Martinsville, against a clutch of sub-20th placings at the big tracks, his team are experimenting with a new technique. As such Ryan will be encouraged to think of Texas Motor Speedway as three short tracks, rather than one big one..............2/10

Tony Stewart - My betting is Tony's eye's popped out on stalks, cartoon style, as he saw both the 11 and 48 crabbing their way towards that wall. Tony's car probably found an extra handful of mph, as well as Stewart himself trying the go faster thrusts (even if you don't think you know what these are, you do) to try and fit into the rapidly closing gap, which, as rapidly closing gaps are want to do, rapidly closed, before Tony could get past anyone, leaving him 3rd. Urgh, 3rd, what a disappointment..................2/10

And the Brikkie goes to................

Well, Todd Bodine is the obvious choice, but I think I've already given him the once over, so I'll award this week's Brikkie to an ensemble cast of hopelessness, so in no particular order........

Robby Gordon for returning to form and being a hazard to just about everyone. Aric Almirola and David Gilliland for managing to go though enough tyres to make collecting Air Miles on Phil Parson's moths worthwhile. Kyle Busch for giving the Jr zealots some more ammunition by using Scott Speed as an additionaly brake and the FOX TV crew for suggesting that Joey Logano's 32nd place consituted a good run (although does that say more about Joey than FOX?)

Next Week

The return to big tracks puts David Ragan back on the list. Mark Martin and Reed Sorenson get on the 2009 lists for the first time, and tyre-shredding Aric Almirola gets the full AFNK treatment. Oh, and joy unconfined Joe Nemechek, Dave Blaney and Todd Bodine. Come on guys, surprise me!

It's difficult to believe that any sense comes out of the thought processes that result in AFNK, but occasionally I stumble across a fine idea.

I think we're all pretty much fed up with the phalanx of Field Fillers who have taken to appearing at Cup events. Those who race their way into the field, then circulate just long enough to pay lip service to racing before pulling into the pits and starting to make the excuses.

The three "greatest" (if that's even applicable to this lot) exponents of this trade in 2009 have been;

Joe Nemechek - 5 starts, 420 laps completed, $390,000 earnt,

Dave Blaney - 4 starts, 214 laps completed, $305,000 earnt and.....

Todd Bodine - 3 starts, 288 laps completed, $236,000 earnt

Bodine's 3 lap escapade round Martinsville at the weekend brought the field fillers into sharp focus for just about everyone, although this is balanced out by his completion of an incredible 227 laps at Las Vegas.

227 laps! My, that's almost a race!

And just about everyone agrees that they're not doing NASCAR any good, especially in the short term - they're not bringing in any sponsors, and appear to be drawing almost 100% criticism from anyone who can string a sentence together.

NASCAR has suggested making them explain their timely parking, showing them exactly what is wrong with the car and not being allowed to retire unless it's perfectly clear - one wheel hanging off, 60ft jet of flame out the engine, no steering wheel etc. etc.

However, I'll put forward another idea.

Minimum distances.

This idea is already used in a number of racing series around the world, although it is currently mostly confined to endurance racing.

But isn't NASCAR endurance racing? American Le Mans Series races (one of the championships that uses this rule) has races regularly 2 and 1/2 half hours long. Compare that to the race at Martinsville at the weekend, which lasted a full hour longer.

Under the ALMS rules a car must complete a percentage, I believe 75%, of the laps completed by the leader to be eligable for points. A similar system is used by the famous Le Mans 24hrs race, where a car has to complete 70% of the leader's laps and be running at the finish to be officially classified. Of course at Le Mans there are no points on the line, only the kudos of completing one of the world's historic races.

For the NASCAR version, let's go a step further. A team should have to complete a certain distance before being eligable for points and prize money. Prize money, after all is what motivates these field fillers.

The prize money would also mean that marginally less capital would have to invested in the race, if you expect not to have to give out prize money to the lowest finishers, then that's money you don't have to put forward, or money you can use to inflate the purses of the top finishers.

The exact percentage that a NASCAR racer would have to complete would vary from race to race, from track to track, with the exact number being worked out by people far better paid, and far more statistically minded than myself. The aim being that it encourages teams to complete as many laps as possible, while trying to find a balance so bone fide, but unlucky racers who are left stranded below the percentage by no fault of their own.

Of course, in any system like this there will be those innocents caught in the cross hairs. None of teams that fell below the ALMS's bar at Sebring a few weeks ago came with the intention of only running a handful of laps. They all wanted to win and were just unlucky, and unfortunately have been left pointless by the rules.

The same goes for NASCAR. There is no way Matt Kenseth could have made a minimum percentage at Las Vegas, when his engine expired after only 6 laps.

However, the system will force field fillers to make up to a minimum distance before making their shame faced retirement. However, once having made the minimum distance they might actually decide to race, trying to grapple their way up the order. After all, they already had to use tyres and fuel to get to the minimum, they want as much prize money to repay that expenditure. 

Shock as sports commentator uses cliches instead of words with actual meaning!

Like that's anything new!

There is no escape from disgruntled NASCAR fans. After a Bristol race people complained there wasn't enough contact. These are probably the same people who will be forming lynch mobs the next time Kyle Busch/Juan Montoya (delete where applicable) lays a bumper on anyone.

7 more drivers get my spleen vented all over their weekends, with analysis akin to the kind of searching for Waldo, and statistics akin to, erm, some really bad statistics.

Mike Bliss - Mike couldn't be with us this week, but we have Sterling Marlin in the #09 instead. Well, first thing is first, he actually qualified for the race ahead of Mayfield and Riggs (what's happened to those two since Daytona?). He then proceeded to be plonked on the back of the grid (stupid rule) but you had to go all the way to 28th starter Joe Nemechek to find a car faster than him. Sterling made the grand total of 91 laps before a typically mysterious steering failure. However, those 91 laps put him 40th, which means he can have another mysterious failure away from our prying eyes next week.........9/10

Dave Blaney - This hurts - Dave came within a few sentences of getting the Brikkie this week (I bet you can't guess who is....). He qualified 8th! I believe my exact words started with the initials F and M when I saw that. I was full of hope that it might mean the #66 car paying more than lip service to racing. No such luck! Staying out on the first caution (what's the betting the same F word was muttered when Jimmie Johnson pulled the same trick?) all was good. Unfortunately another driver (who shall remain nameless) appeared to have as much control over his car as a 4 year old boy over his pee-pee, pranging poor Dave. Just about the next time the #66 was shown it was driving sedately through the garage, apparently with "Steering Failure". Seemed to be steering in the garage fine. What actually happened was Dave's radio call to "put new tyres on it" caused Phil Parsons to open his wallet, blinding the crew as the hoard of moths flew to freedom..........8/10

Travis Kvapil - This is unfortunately, probably, Travis' AFNK swansong, with his team shutting down due to lack of sponsorship. Travis again made the race on speed, and finished 18th. Let's take, by way of comparison, I don't know, Paul Menard. He finished 25th and sits only one place in the standings (34 points) ahead of Travis, despite having one more start after being gifted Kvapil's owner points. No, no, no, no, no. If Mr Menard Sr is desperate to have his name on a car then surely you can stump up enough for two cars, or better yet, pull your son out and put the logos on the Kvapil-wagon. Or better yet race-tape Paul to the hood of the car................5/10

AJ Allmendinger - A quiet week of AJ. Qualifying 26th and finishing 16th. All the fenders on the car, no noses out of joint, more points under the belt. He is 16th overall in points, locked in for Martinsville and beyond, still on the entry lists. It's all good..............4/10

Sam Hornish Jr - I was getting worried that Sam might be able to have a week without having some involvement in an accident. Then he happened to be near Jamie McMurray (who must have had a contact magnet in his car for all the boucing off stuff he did) with inevitable results. Sam had very little damage and carried on as normal (or perhaps he's so used to dented cars he doesn't notice them anymore) to finish 31st...........6/10

Juan Montoya - You can always count on Juan to keep things interesting (which is good, because sometimes you need it). What was Jamie McMurray expecting after he bumper Montoya out of the way - the phrase "red rag to a bull" springs to mind - and as you would expect Juan laid a bumper on him, spinning him round. The fact that that was the only real contact Juan had on his way to a top-10 finish I think speaks volumes about how he has progressed since he first showed up in NASCAR's top league (almost quite literally in ball of flame).................3/10

Kasey Kahne - OK, I admit, I was wrong. In the preview paragraph for this week's AFNK I relegated Kasey to a supporting role. While he may have supported in action he took the glory of the 7 drivers here for results, finishing 5th (his first top five of the season). He snuck there quietly (again, all the fenders on the car, no noses out of joint) as top Dodge, 10 spots ahead of the fastest Ford. Whisper it quietly, but I think Dodge might have something right in their new car....................2/10

And the Brikkie goes to............

John Andretti. Why is he even here? This man is everything I hate. He's borrowed someone else's owner points, he's slow, he's anonymous and yet somehow he's in the top-35 for Martinsville. Never has the foam brick been hurled forth with such vigour as when he spun Dave Blaney while trying to be first car a lap down. Oh no! That's right! He was the only car a lap down, after going to investigate the Inertia Trash Cans guarding the pit lane. You don't need to race every car, especially if you're a lap down, especially that early in the race, especially at a short track where a Lucky Dog giving caution is only a slip and a slide away, especially when your (lack of) driving skill makes you very prone to being the one who is likely to slip and slide.

Next Week

A tale of the team mates, as the Stewart-Hass duo get examined, 25ths of Roush - The Ragan and McMurray portions get looked at and a potential nightmare as Dave Blaney, Todd Bodine and Joe Nemechek battle it out to be last. I guarantee you at least one will cite a Rear End problem as they park their car to count the cash.

Kurt Busch brought the old "win on Sunday, sell on Monday" ethos back at Atlanta by showcasing Chrysler's superbly engineered reverse gear. There has been comment about whether this new celebration will stick around, and so what would happen when Kurt wins on a super-speedway or a road course.

Worry not. Because we know that isn't going to happen anytime soon.

Seven more drivers, including four Roush drivers, take the AFNK test for their Atlanta weekends, which of course involves the normal brand of sarcasm, deranged fact and borderline libel.

Todd Bodine - Starting at the top again, by starting at the bottom. Todd was a long shot to get into the race and lived up to that billing with a pretty pathetic qualifying effort, stopping the timing with a lap at 182.1mph, faster than only one car who got into the race, that of a Mr. J. Logano. So with that I'm afraid I'm going to have to go all Spinal Tap on you with his rating.............11/10

Joe Nemechek - OK, I've had with NEMCO! They're official excuse this week was a wheel bearing. I want to see the wheel falling off before you start pulling that one, in fact if you run until your car falls apart then NASCAR might have more of a reason for some it's debris cautions. That said, they are getting better, with Joe completing 8 more laps than at Las Vegas, and again moving up the order for a 39th place finish. At this rate they might finish a race by October.......................8/10

Michael Waltrip - Well, what we all thought was true is as official now as it's ever going to be. Some with more time than me (yes, I know such people exist) has gone through the 2008 cautions and charted who caused the most. Topping the charts is Sam Hornish, but second is the crash-daddy himself, Michael Waltrip with 18 wrecks. That's the kind of statistical analysis AFNK supports. Oh and Mikey was 25th, and didn't add to his 09 caution account, which I make 1 at the moment...............6/10

Greg Biffle - And now we enter the Roush zone, feel free to put your hat on at this point. Greg had a pretty colourful evening. He decides to try and phase through David Ragan (more on that later) then he gets held for a lap and then gets taken out in a accident he could do nothing about from being in the pack. He qualified 5th and if Sunday was a normal race he probably would have finished up there, but Sunday wasn't normal (more on that too later)............4/10

David Ragan - There are some days, that for whatever you feel you have a target on your back, you get everyone's anger, everyone's rants and complaints. It's like someone's put the adult equivalent of a "Kick Me" sign on you. Then there are some days when you feel you have a target on your left-front fender. David Ragan had one of the latter kind of days. Firstly Greg Biffle decides to see whether he can go though the 6 car, and then Scott Speed decides to have a go. both get the same result - wall, David got a different result, 19th...................5/10

Carl Edwards - The best Roush performer of the race, by far, at least going on the results chart. Carl started deep in the field in 29th and was probably one of the more obvious beneficiaries of the tyre incident which delivered him into a situation where he was one of the 6 cars heading the lead lap. From there Carl was never going to let the situation slip and was in contention until the end when the dominant Dodge flew by him for the win.............2/10

Matt Kenseth - After a typically Kenseth, good-but-anonymous, race to 12th, Matt's major contribution to the AFNK week came after the race, when asked about the crew member chasing a tyre across the infield, commented "maybe he's new, maybe he hasn't seen us race, but we wreck a lot". Strangely enough Sam Hornish and Michael Waltrip reported to the infield medical centre complaining of an ear burning sensation.....................3/10

And the Brikkie goes to..........

It's sympathetic Brikkie this week, going to Jimmy Watts, the crew member with the tyre. Now, you know you're doing a good job in your pit crew job, when no-one knows you're name over and above anyone else on the crew, so seeing as we know Jimmy's name. You know he's done bad. However, I couldn't help but sympathise. I'm sure we've all been there, you want something that's a little bit further away that you thought and getting it normally involves a near accident, or an accident. I had flashbacks to my childhood, chasing footballs out into residential roads, only to nearly become a hood ornament. My childhood memories were only reinforced by the look on Watt's face as he got a dressing down from someone atop the 47 war wagon - "I won't do it again, mum", "I'm sorry, it was an accident". And now as if his public dressing down wasn't enough, NASCAR has banned him for 4 races.

Next Week

Well, firstly, it's not next week, as we all take a week off, and NASCAR driver find something else to race. But when the racing turns to Bristol, it'll be G-O-G-H shenanigans with Mike Bliss, Travis Kvapil and Dave Blaney, count the crashes with Sam Hornish jr, and possibly Juan Montoya, with Kasey Kahne and AJ Allmendinger providing the supporting cast.

Right, no-one else has told me, so I'll ask you lot.

What the hell was going on with the squirrel during Sunday's race. Find a replay of Denny Hamlin's lap 171 spin. Just before that the broadcast team say they have gophers (presumably Digger) AND squirrels. Unfortunately they then get distracted by something, oh yea, actual racing, and so the no doubt enlightening squirrel anecdote is cut off.

I'm not normally that interested in the random anecdotes that commentators come out with, but anything about a squirrel deserves to be finished off. I need closure people!!

Aside from my rodent based anxieties it's the normal AFNK fare - 7 more drivers get my fairly unique brand of analysis, before getting a arbitrary number applied to their whole weekend (kinda like the prize money system).

Dave Blaney - Starting from the bottom here. Dave showed up to make the race in #66 car, but wound up the second fastest DNQ, although his 182.6mph was still faster than Kenseth, Mears and Speed who were saved by their owner points. He lost out after startling runs by Brad Keselowski, Todd Bodine and Max Papis netted them their first starts of the season, although Dave did come in faster than early GOGH pace-setters Riggs and Mayfield, still...........................10/10

Joe Nemechek - Last week it was a mysterious "fuel pump" failure, this week "transmission"! I'd love to be wrong, but I can just imagine a group of NEMCO people gathered around a table right now discussing "what's going to put us out this week?", or "what lap shall we bring it in on?". Joe leisurely Sunday 102 laps (that's 66 more than last week stat-fans) netted the team 40 points (or 6 more than last week) although that has nothing to do with performance, and everything to do with Roush engines...................9/10

David Ragan - I have a sneaking suspicion that David Ragan might just become NASCAR next bad luck man. He is due a debut win (even my Roush hating entrails can't deny that) but I just can't see the stars being in alignment - right car, right track, right David, bad races for everyone in front - to see it happen. I'm sure there are people who can foresee a Ragan victory every week, but this week when he came into pit road with a nice orangey glow under the wheel arch, even they knew it was over.................7/10

Carl Edwards - I opened this week ranting about being kept in suspense, a subject that Edwards' engine knows all about. At least the engines of Kenseth and Ragan had the decency to blow early enough so their drivers could grab a bite to eat, watch a bit of the race on TV, throw something at the TV (I recommend a foam brick - very theraputic) and start the trek east a few hours early. Edwards' powerplant had none of that decorum, deciding to grenade four corners from the end while running 4th, leaving him to coast to a stop in 17th, officially the final car on the lead lap. However, that might be karma, regarding the number of time Carl seemed to coast to victory on gas fumes last year......................4/10

Scott Speed - What, you mean Scott Speed was actually racing?! You could have fooled me for all I saw of him on Sunday! Needing your owner points (which aren't actually yours Scott - give them back) to get into a race isn't a good start - Scott's speed was slower than the fastest 5 DNQs. Having to further to the back for an engine change is even worse, and then cycling round anonymously is even worse. So if all this is bad, how the hell did he end up in 21st for his best finish of the year?.....................7/10

Martin Truex Jr - Unveiling Earnhardt-Ganassi Racing's newest technique, inspired by watching repeats of Wacky Races and late night showings of Ben-Hur. It's the "have-a-great-big-pole-sticking-out-your-wheel-to-cripple-other-drivers-trick". The only missed the sharpening the point part off the plan, but it's progress! Anyway, for all that we got told "It's OK his hub cap just came off" if my hub cap came off and my axel was sticking out the side of my car, I'd be concerned. And if this is the start of new ploy - who out of the new partnership is Dasterdly and who's Muttley?...............6/10

Paul Menard - It's happened again! For the second time this year I have agreed with the worthless Sky Sports UK NASCAR broadcasting team! Their "US Sports Journalist" David Tuckman explained Menard's right turn to the wall as "maybe it's because Menard can't drive and is only here because of daddy's money". Personally I like that reasoning more than a flat tire from the contact he made with Ambrose or Biffle. Mitigating circumstances are that Menard was 12th at the time, but in race where Scott Speed finished 21st that's not saying much................6/10

And the Brikkie goes to..............

As a fan of a driver currently battling crap cars and a non existent budget I'm not exactly the most forgiving of poor driver squating in decent cars, and seeing as how Joey Logano learnt how to drive this week, step forward Casey Mears. Starting by needing Clint Bowyer's owner points to get him in the race Casey was a mobile chicane all race. He didn't have an excuse, his sole pit road penalty doesn't explain anything, his lack of talent does. The 30th place (3 laps down) he came away with has everything to do with everyone else having problems and Casey going to slowly to get any damage, from anything, on anything.

And a best supporting Brikkie to.........

Casey's RCR team mate Clint Bowyer. Yes, yes, well done you finished second, but then you go open your trap in the post race press conference and put your foot in it. Clint claimed that HE had been run into on the lap 100 restart. No, no, no, no. Find a replay, you moved up and hit Montoya. YOU ran into him, we all realise you don't like Juan, but we are not blind and the "let's blame the foreigner" line is starting not to cut it, because the foriegner is starting to get better than you. Cheerio Clint.

P.S. When was the last time a NASCAR oval field represented 4 continents?

Next Week

It's a Roush-fest with Matt Kenseth and David Ragan after their engine woes joining Carl Edwards and Greg Biffle. We see what the NEMCO meeting agreed with Joe Nemechek. Todd Bodine, entered in the #135 will try and make a second race and the AFNK boomerang that is Michael Waltrip makes his 3rd appearence in 4 races.