It's a question often asked at (admittedly mostly Yuppie) parties after more alcohol that ideal has been drunk - "If you were a wine, what would you be?" I personally have never been asked, but I like to imagine such a question exists.

So with Sonoma behind us, and the long panning shots of the hilltop vinyards being shown, instead of (I don't know) actual racing, I got to thinking, what wines would a handful of NASCARs latest and greatest (and some others) be.

In the week that GM annouced it was pulling support for its teams in NASCAR's three touring series the Cup Series took in Detroit (or at least the track closest to Detroit).

The race was so boring, I have decided to give over this pre-able to previewing Sonoma, which is in the heart of wine country. So, naturally I will be indulging in watching the race while supping from my birthday present, the largest amount of Sierra Nevada Pale Ale I've ever seen in this country (is it a bad sign when your loved ones buy you beer for your birthday).

Sonoma, will of course have the double file restarts NASCAR have mandated to try and keep people interested, which means there will be double file cautions, with crashes through the opening complex every lap, probably all involving Kevin Harvick's inability to brake.

Oh, right, Michigan.

Patrick Carpentier - Mike Skinner, who morphed into Patrick Carpentier morphed back into Mike Skinner for the trip to Michigan. Unfortunately he couldn't morph into anyone fast enough to make the race as Mike and the #36 team were the only team to miss the cut......10/10

Joe Nemechek - Joe was back to being a nice normal field filler, starting 40th and manage to start and park his way to a 42nd place finish after only 20 laps. Are the start and parkers getting earlier? Are the days to Dave Blaney's 49ers consigned to the history books so soon? Also this week marked a new milestone in the Start and Park rulebook as the previously posted reasons (no matter how pointless and unbeliveable to a cynic such as myself) were replaced by "Out of Race". Is it time NASCAR had it's own Freedom of Information Act? Why were they out of the race, exactly where was that debris that save Jr. from going a lap down............10/10

David Gilliand - David and TRG team were back on track for being a proper race team, rather than one of start and park teams at Michigan, graduating up to the 30s and completing somewhere near full race distance, finishing two laps down. Well I suppose it's progress of sorts.......................9/10

Michael Waltrip - Another driver who endured an anonymous day in 30s, qualifying 36th and finishing 30th. However, one thing is for sure. If anyone is in anyway curious about the intricacies of the new (bafflingly complex) restart procedure then just ask Mikey, as he seems to have cornered the market in the wave-around, or as it shall from here on in be known "The Waltrip". Of couse Michael has only been able to take advantage of these as he hasn't caused a caution recently. He won't even be able to next week as he will morph into Patrick Carpentier, as Mike Skinner will morph into Brian Simo (no, he wasn't in the Beach Boys)........................7/10

Dale Earnhardt Jr. - If anyone studying NASCAR wants to see Jr.'s season in a nutshell they should watch the Michigan race (of course insomniacs should also watch it, and people coming off chemical enduced high who need to be brought crashing back to reality). Aside from the shameful lack of pit problems Dale's afternoon went something like this - good, good, good, good, final pitstop, boom, bad, don't know why, just bad, real bad, mixing it with Robby Gordon bad. And here I paraphrase something Marshall Pruett from Speedtv.com said, in that the way the COT handles you need to be good to win. Perhaps Dale Jr. just isn't good.........4/10

Kurt Busch - Aside from the fact that Penske are expected to bankrupt between buying out Saturn (a whole planet, wow!) from GM and the sheer numbers of lug nuts expected to not make it out of Sonoma with the team, the Brew Crew (Credit Kristen Valus) had another good race as part of what is becoming a good year, this being (to my mind) Penske's best year since Rusty Wallace analyising "Draft Lock" was a mere twinkle in the eye of sadistic networks. Kurt at Sonoma, well presuming they have enough lugs to keep the wheels on I can't help but remember the Busch v Gordon (the other one) battle from The Glen in the Nationwide Series...............2/10

Jimmie Johnson - Has Chad Knaus gone soft in the head? Has someone nicked his calculator? For two weeks running Jimmie has found his engine gasping for gas just a little sooner than he would have liked. Last week he only had a home straight to negotiate, this week, he found himself in an octane desert with a whole two miles to negotiate. The mission for Valus and company at Sonoma, drill holes in the 48's gas cans and we can leave him stranded out on track, with only a hip flask of water and dishcloth over his head (at least then he'll have an excuse to be growing that stupid beard)................2/10

And the Brikkie Goes To

There are sometimes that something happens and you just can't stop it even though you see it coming. Think, throwing the TV control to someone across the room, only for them to choose that exact moment to pick up their drink. You know it's going to result in drink-spilling-sweary-messiness but as the remote passes through the air in slow motion you can do nothing to change its course. A Field Goal missing left from moment boot meets ball is agonising to watch as it just drifts further and further away from where it should be. For being the latest in these situations the Brikkie goes to David Stremme. From the moment that car went sideways it was heading towards the one solid structure on that side of the track like it was being pulled in by an invisable cable. Yet there was nothing you (or he seemingly) could do to avoid it. If anyone wants a needle finding in a haystack, you could do worse than calling David Stremme.

Next Week

Off to turn left AND right!! And there is no Dave Blaney (I swear he's avoiding me deliberately). Instead we have Tony Raines (morphing into Chris Cook) in the #37, Joe Nemechek (not morphing), Sterling Marlin (turning Canadian as Ron Fellows) in the Missus Cookie 09 and Scott Speed (morphing into someone who knows what he's doing?). In a similar vein we have Robby Gordon, and a man who always knows what he's doing (in an all you can eat restaurant) Tony Stewart. Finished off with a big dollop of Reed Sorenson.

Well, Pocono has come and gone (please tell me it's gone, pretty please) and as predicted by anyone with a few brain cells to bash together it was very boring, but for a very boring race there were a lot of talking points.

Tony Stewart won the first race as an owner/driver since before NASCAR got popular, which is good considering he's been annoyingly close for most of the season.

However, it was something else about the finish that caught my eye (or ear to be precise). While Tony was bouncing of all the insides of his car as Kasey Kahne decided to spin there was the call of "trouble off of four" from the booth. Fine, good brilliant.

At anywhere other than Pocono. The place known as the Tricky Triangle.

Not the Squalid Square. Or the Retched Rhombus. Or even the Hellish Hexagon.

So, how many corners do you think it has? Here's a clue - not four!

Also, a quick call out to Dexter Bean, who not only surprised all (or at least me) by turning out not to be a start-and-park team, thus beating every single one of that collective. He also managed to claim the scalps of Denny Hamlin and Kurt Busch, who are the recipients of the first two (unfortunately hypothetical) "beaten by The Bean" bumper stickers.

And with all these stories the 7 most boring drivers from a boring race fall into my lap.

Tony Raines - Another easy one as the Pennsylvania rains put a very early end to Tony's quest for glory, as he was the lowest ranked driver on the entry list. On the good side, it saved the team money and gave Tony a chance to explore the tourist-a-list-ic nature of the Poconos.................10/10

Mike Skinner - Mike mysteriously morphed into Patrick Carpentier for this week, as the Truck Series was racing somewhere vaguely interesting. However, not even putting a Canadian in the car could improve results for the flagging Tommy Baldwin team. They were the first victims of a mysterious set of vibrations that also claimed Blaney and Nemechek. Local police at investigating a smash and grab raid on a nearby adult store. However, they have declined to say whether they believe the events are connected......................10/10

David Gilliand - Another one of the fabulous formation start-and-parkers, bringing the car in after 34 laps. However, he and his team at least showed some originality with an ignition problem, rather than the alledged adult toy vibration related problem. Further investigation shows that this may be another case of the AFNK curse as only the week after I was linguistically patting TRG on the back, they decide to go and be start and parkers. Typical. Friggin' Typical..........10/10

Scott Speed - Oh, was Scott Speed actually racing, I didn't notice. While the world is following the spotty kid with the orange car like a bloodhound on the trail of a murderer, Scott Speed's rookie season continues to fly below the radar. Which isn't necessarily a bad thing on weeks like this when something like his 32nd place finish is an almost perfect barometer for Scott's weekend. If Red Bull are looking for better exposure they need to follow the Paul Menard/Robby Gordon model of putting mediocrity in something bright yellow.......................8/10

Kevin Harvick - Actually to that bright-yellow-and-rubbish category you can almost add Kevin Harvick, who's picture could easily be the dictionary definition of "mediocre" this year (of course my dictionary doesn't have pictures, honest). And Pocono was another chapter in Kevin's year of anonymity (aside from having commentators point out that he's not doing very well). If nothing else he was consistent, taking his car from a 24th place start to a 24th place finish, which in the standings (logically enough) dropped him two spots to 26th, where he is actually being beaten by the before mentioned spotty kid...................7/10

Elliott Sadler - More anonymity! Sadler led. Briefly. For two laps. When everyone else was pitting. And when you need everyone else to stop for you to be winning you know that's a bad state of affairs. He finished one place below Harvick (admittedly having started a whooping 3 places behind him) and now sits in the same place in the overall standings, one ahead of Bobby Labonte in an area of the standings that rather professes to faded glory....................6/10

Carl Edwards - At last someone worthwhile! Carl is Tony's replacement at the front of the queue of drivers who are due a win, and this week fuel mileage conspired to rob him of a chance of a win. He spent the whole race bothering the point position, led just over half the race at 103 laps (or 309 corners) and even managed not to disappoint me by even finding time to try and crash into his team mates, with he and Matt Kenseth getting a little over friendly...............................1/10

And the Brikkie goes to..................

Denny "can't last 50 yards" Hamlin! Remembering Denny's rookie heroics Denny was the first name into my fantasy team this week, having saved him for Pocono for just that reason. And after he topped the only practice I excused myself feeling rather smug and pleased with myself (as no doubt did many others). So I settled into watch the race  - with duvet, mug of cocoa, cuddly toy, hot water bottle and all the normal things prepare for Pocono with only for my shot at genius to last about as long as a substandard biscuit being dunked in the Pocono Cocoa! The Brikke gets hurled at Denny, which is easy as he's not a moving target, for building my hopes up worse than a blind-folded, surprise trip to Walmart.

Next week

There is not Dave Blaney!!. Or Dexter Bean!! Instead we get something close to a dream AFNK. Well, firstly there is the garbage of Patrick Carpentier, David Gilliand and Joe Nemechek to get through. But then we have Kurt Busch, Jimmie Johnson, Dale Jr and Michael Waltrip to balance it out. 

Because the animals went in 2-by-2........

Well, that was one of the better races of the season so far, as measured by the How-Far-James'-Back-Was-From-The-Back-Of-The-Chair measurement system which came it at approximately 8-10 inches (and yes I am trying to adopt the same position as I write this and trying to wedge a ruler in the gap between me and the chair). However, the end still came up short compared to Air Edwards on the How-Many-Profanities-James-Used measurement scale, as it failed to even cause even one curse word.

Back on the measurement front you could have forgiven Tony Stewart for taking a tape measure to Dover to try and find out whether it was just the pit road they made wider. For as wide as Tony tried to make his car Jimmie Johnson appeared to be able to find some extra track, for any of you who have ever heard of Wallace and Gromit, think of Gromit with the model train set. For those of you who have so far missed out on what greatness can be made of plastecine - enjoy - the "Johnson Moment" can be found at 1:30, and yes, I believe there is a case that Tony Stewart looks like an evil Penguin.....

Meanwhile...........

Max Papis - A rare DNQ for Mad Max, coming out only above Derrike Cope (who's elderly person's mobility scooter couldn't cope with the banking) and David Starr (who drastically misunderstood the start-and-park philosophy by forgetting the start part..............10/10

Mike Bliss - Mike's (and Phoenix Racing's) slide into the S'n'P abyss continues with at 40th place after a mysterious Electrical problem gave him just enough juice to work out what the problem, make it down off the track, down pit road, and safely into the garage where the rest of the team was able to take a look. I don't know but if real cars had real problems that were obliging as that then the AAA wouldn't really have a purpose anymore..........9/10

David Gilliland - And the start and parks keep coming (for the first AFNK is decades seemingly with Dave Blaney the rest aren't letting the side down.) I am caught in two minds about David Gilliland (although don't tell anyone or they'll have me in a strait jacket). In previous weeks I'd have forgiven them a lot as they continue to make an effort to run full race lengths. However, the old stay-out-and-lead-a-lap trick before the Power Steering gave out (that turn to the garage is awful sharp) stopped DG after 38 laps - earning him another return ticket to AFNK next week......................10/10

Joe Nemechek - Introducing the longest sponsor set in the history of NASCAR as Joe took to the monster mile with support from G.P.'s Enterprises/Huckleberry's BBQ/Lubepros. However, even with all those letters on the car (I like to imagine that sponsors have to pay by the letter to get their names on cars, like you had to on Football shorts, which made players with surnames like "Roy" everyone's favourite) Joe couldn't make it beyond halfway, dropping aout after completing 67 laps after a drive shaft problem (probably the weight of all those sponsors)................................9/10

Mark Martin - The old man of NASCAR was again showing the sort of form that has made call time on calling time on his career for yet another year. He was bothering the top-5 most of the day, presumably asking younger drivers to pull his finger, telling stories recounting the good old days while the young 'uns would rather play on their Xstation and drinking copious amounts of tea (which presumably is Tony Eury Jr.'s new role and Hendrick, along with fetching Mark's slippers) all while relaxing in the rocking chair he gained under false pretences when he first thought about retiring, somewhere is the midsts of time..............3/10

Kasey Kahne - Dodge were putting a new engine to good use (which is good, because it might the last new engine Chrysler come up with for a while) with Kahne's outside pole and Reed Sorenson's nosebleed performance in qualifying showing exactly what was possible. However, as Reed Sorenson proved he really was Reed Sorenson (and not The Stig or anyone else who can actually drive) and dropped like a stone attached to an anchor Kahne stuck around in the top of lap charts, eventually coming in 6th..........2/10

Kevin Harvick - The man with the plastic complexion had a "nice" anonymous weekend at Dover. "Nice" because RCR and Harvick inparticular have had a pig of a season and need results to start coming in. And all being even (Harvick has only had 2 top-20 finishes in the previous 7 races) a 17th place finish is good news for the #29 car, but not for me as it means I have to try and be funny about Kevin Harvick again (which is very difficult when he's not picking a fight with someone)..............5/10

And the Brikkie goes too..................

It's a tough one this week. There were umpteen debris cautions, but without them the race would have been all over bar the shouting by half-way. Then there's David Stremme, he caused one caution, before crashing himself, taking out Robby Gordon and Paul Menard along the way, but that's Menard and Gordon, such actions should be rewarded with a medal, not punished with a foam brick.

Nope this week's Brikkie goes to all thing's Kyle Busch - and I mean all things. Firstly to Kyle himself, and a little to the team for not changing all the tyres when he had a vibration, secondly to the team and a little to Kyle for not considering the splitter - which has always seemed to be about the second thing you look for when this car gets a vibration. Thirdly to the crowd - that cheering was vile. We get that you don't like Kyle and prefer the guy embrassing his family name (and no, for once that's not John Andretti) and we know that he hasn't done anything worthwhile in ages, but have you got so desperate that you start cheering others' misfortune. Jr zealots, in case you haven't noticed there are 41 cars on the track besides Busch and Your Beloved that need to have a problem as well, so you're going to get awfully hoarse with cheering going down that route. Kyle Busch fans - you have my permission to cheer whenever you see a car with a Jr. merchandise item (and there are enough of them - this means you Cabbage Patch Dolls) broken down at the side of the road.

Next Week

There is no Dave Blaney again!! Instead we have the S'n'P collective of David Gilliland, Tony Raines and Mike Skinner, ably assisted by Scott Speed. Kevin Harvick returns, Elliott Sadler makes an all too infrequent visit and Carl Edwards tries not to wreck any of his Roush team mates. Oh, and we all try and stay awake through Pocono. Good Luck with that.

It's the summer, and the summer is the time for endurance races (soort Grand-Am you just get it wrong), and NASCAR is clearly looking to get in on the act. The world is already familiar with famous twice-round-the clock races at Le Mans and the Nurburgring, and now Charlotte wants to get in on the act, and a rumour has it that if the city of Concord doesn't like it, they just race elsewhere.

The 227-lap 374 minute Coca Cola 600 (or 340.5) marked the first time the race had been held on Monday, and was a stupendous kick in the somewhere painfuls for the media people who were selling it on being the year's longest race (there's a research subject class, where is the longest race, buy distance in the world?)

Unfortunately it also marked the first time this season I haven't seen a lap of the race (outside of youtube and NASCAR's video player), so apologies if this isn't up to normal standards. However, there was one very important event that needs proper coverage (well as proper as I do)

Brad Keselowski - As predicted in the last edition Brad wasn't entered. Not in the #25, not in the #09. Not at all.................10/10

Sterling Marlin - Sterling's #09 car was turned over to Mike Bliss for Lowe's and after his streak-breaking Nationwide win, you might have forgiven James Finch and company for saring to dream, or at least think positively. However, it is clear that the Nationwide purses aren't what they used to be as despite a win on Saturday for the team, it appears that start-and-parking is still the best option. And with only 42 laps in the books Bliss had a mysterious "vibration", that coincidentally coincided with a caution, and decide he'd had enough, probably because of celebration that went on as long as the race........10/10

Clint Bowyer - Firstly let it be said that Clint's finish/start/# combination of 36/24/33 sound like a woman's vital statistics - I have no idea what kind of woman, as women's sizes are encoded to confuse men when it comes to the time when you finally build up the courage to buy underwear for your loved one. What's that? Oh, NASCAR. I remember. On the track (rather than the rack) Clint had another of the anonymous weekends in the 30s that have come to frustrate RCR fans, or so I gather from Jon 464 after some weekends.............8/10

A.J. Allmendinger - And A.J. was another to have a weekend to not remember, languisng down in the 30's stat-wise. And for A.J. that's not good, I was one of his cheerleaders for getting him an 09 ride, then making that ride full time. However, too many anonymous 30-something weekends may see the sponsor faith and patience that got him a full time ride, ebb away and see A.J. back with weekend's off...............7/10

David Gilliland - Another admirable week for the little TRG team that continues to run full races, when others are start-and-parking. And they are being rewarded for it. They are a tangible 120 points outside of the top-35, currently with only Scott Speed and the #34 car between them and a huge milestone. Oh, and TRG are better known as a GT team, racing Porsches, so I think that's one team looking forward to Sonoma and The Glen, whether David - who had a road course top-5 last year - is in the seat or not.................5/10

Dale Earnhardt Jr - Well, Junior zealots you got your wish. As I write this Tony Eury Jr is out of the chair on the battle box, and into the wonderfully euphemistic sounding Research and Development department (today Tony we're going to research how to make the best coffee for the rest of department....) and as swansongs go a none too glorious 40th place is not the best result you could wish for, and now, with one excuse out of the window, Dale Jr might have to do something to deserve all the attention he gets. Oh, right, he already does. Of course, I remember...............9/10

Dave Blaney - Saving "the best" till last - and there haven't been many (if any) times I have been able to say that about Dave, with or with the scare quotes round it. The big news of Charlotte, at least for anyone who understands this blog's name above the door, is that Blaney's car had a name on the hood. For the first time since Daytona, when DB wasn't in the car, there was a sponsor. And, none too coincidentally, for the first time since Daytona the car saw the chequered flag, well as much as the Daytona car did. Is this the second pattern of Dave's season? After the lap 49-equals-park-phenomenom, we now have the sponsor-equals-race-equation. And I know which I'd rather have................5/10

And the Brikkie goes to................

It has to be the weather again. It got completely in the way of what is meant to be one of the greatest weekends of motorsport of the year, and forced the poor Fox team to new levels of idiocy, during which time they managed to strip Penske of Ryan Newman's Daytona 500 win and move Motegi Speedway several thousand miles to award Danica Patrick an Indycar win in Australia. If you guys are making mistakes like that you need someone to at least check the info you're being fed. I'm free, I have a research based degree. However, a rare positive mention for UK broadcasters Sky Sports who, seeing that the chances of a race on Sunday were similar to that of rain being purple, went to re-runs of old races. First I had the closing laps of last year's 600 (complete with Jr's ubiquitous wall swiping) then snippets of the Dover race that followed it.

Next Week

There is no Dave Blaney! I know, I don't know how I'll go on. Trying to fill his boots come Mike Bliss and Max Papis (both of whom survive the part time schedule monster only to face Dover's Monster) and Kevin Harvick completes the bottom three. David Gilliland returns, Mark Martin and Kasey Kahne fall into place for rare visits to these hallowed pages and Joe Nemechek provides your weekly dose of start-and-park.