NASCAR need to stop this!

After the Talledega race, due to which my nearest and dearest expects at least one car to finish in its roof, she was all too eager to support me in my epic bout of sleep deprivation.

In that she left enough biscuits to see me through the night.

So, imagine the mildly twisted glee on her face the following morning (OK, it was the afternoon) when I informed he that, while not on his roof, Kyle Busch crossed the line with his car resembling the Airfix model of a B-17 I made when I was 13, after it had been stood on, by a size 7.

She made me - I cannot emphasise the order of words there enough - to record the highlights program the following day, of which she fast forwarded through 159 laps of racing only to watch the crash from every angle, several times, with a level of interest normally reserved only for Extreme Makeover.

I have now hidden all the sharp objects.

Given the tumultuous change-over to the new (and improved?) community template last week, and the fact that real life sometimes gets in the way - even with the door locked it can get in the window - AFNK took an enforced week off for Loudon, so I return this week, with a mish-mash of Loudon and Daytona, with the "best" seven drivers who would have appeared in these two editions.

Don't understand, good, me neither......

Patrick Carpentier - Even in the new blog layout field fillers come at the top. Patrick, this week managed a (comparatively whopping) 18 laps, before calling it a day. This weeks TBR excuse was "engine", presumably being used as short hand for, "didn't put an engine in", or a by word for the driver being told to stop pressing the accelarator. At least do the decent thing and put sugar in your engine, there's a woman named Teresa who can give you the recipe..........10/10

Dave Blaney - A momentous day everyone, as field filling hit a new low, with Dave managing only two laps of Daytona, usurping Todd Bodine's 3 lap sojurn of Martinsville as a low water mark (of course in distance, 2 laps of Daytona is further than 3 at the paperclip, but why let numbers get in the way of a rant). The excuse was also something to make you bang your head on a wall - "over heating". Fair enough engines over heat, there are many weeks when cars lap, spraying steam and water like Old Faithful, and don't retire. If you're over heating, pull the tape off the front of the car. If it's really bad (and after two laps I doubt it is) wait a while, then go back out and circulate, there are always enough wrecks to pick up some points and extra cash. Yes, that's right Phil Parsons, cash! CASH!...............10/10

Regan Smith - The man in black, oh, I'm sorry, that's sacrilidge isn't it. The man in the black car with the red writing had anothe weekend out on track, and another weeked in the shop window, and did himself no harm at all. The man who almost won at 'Dega last year (remember that - when plate races didn't end under a smoke screen) came home 12th with the part time crew. And I think that the people at Earnhardt-Ganassi must still have his number somewhere..........4/10

Martin Truex Jr - A quiet race for Michael Watrip Racing's latest recruit (I can't make up my mind whether that is a step up or down at the moment), keeping relatively clean and finishing in a lowly 25th.....................7/10

A.J. Allmendinger - A.J. was probably the unluckiest man at Daytona, managing to keep his car clean for a full 160 laps, which is good, and was probably thinking of a mix of what he was going to do this week, and how his car might handle at Talladega, when Whmph! Along comes Kasey Kahne in his slightly used Dodge to send A.J. into the wall. When the team asked A.J. about why he'd brought the car back wrecked I would imagine he resorted to the sort of "bu.....", "I didn....." sort of stumbling you resort to doing when you've been accused of something the dog/cat/sibling did.............6/10

Ryan Newman - If the race was at Talladega rather than Daytona I would suggest that Tony Stewart did a deal with the devil (or Burger King, as both are equally evil) to seal his win (feel free to hum the duelling banjos here). While the #14 was sailing over the finish line, after being seemingly endlessly on screen for every single lap, for a another Stewart win the #39 was crossing the line. Erm....... I don't know. You really could have been excused wondering whether Ryan Newman had actually bothered turning up (which is not really the coverage you want when you're struggling to put paying decals on your quarter panels).  If you are wondering Newman did finish in 20th, apparently after leading a lap, which he did very quietly. Actually, was he in an invisable car?.................5/10

Kyle Busch - Kyle, like many modern day sportstars has many charities and worthy causes close to his heart. However, Kyle goes further than most, all the way to the UK in fact, to Colchester, England where a good samaritan calling himself "Shrub" has been spotted around the town planting flowers in empty flower beds that the town council have ignored. Kyle, has, thus far, decided to remain incognito, only beeing spotted occasionally, and always dressed as a bush. And I'm not even making this up. Well, sort of...................2/10

And the Brikkie Goes too...............

Matt Kenseth! "What!" I hear you say, "Matt didn't wreck, cause any wrecks or even try and run over his (or others pit crew)". No, he didn't but he did drive like my Gran for a few hundred metres. Those of you who have even seen Days of Thunder, Cars or Talladega Nights (and these are increasingly becoming the reference texts for NASCAR - I am looking forward to talking racecars so they can thank themselves on good results) will know that when there is a plume of smoke and debris ahead of you you keep driving. Matt doesn't know this, and with Kyle modifying his car on the wall Matt seems to have stood on the brakes, with Ambrose and Vickers getting past him and Montoya alongside, and several drivers coming very close to having thier own crash because of Matt's sudden tortoise impression (Kahne would have probably got past too, had it not been for a neon green road block).

Next Week

Back to normal wih the yearly trip to Chicagoland, with Dave Blaney and Patrick Carpentier returning Joe Nemechek, John Andretti and Michael Waltrip representing the old (and crash-prone) and Brian Vickers and A.J. Allmendinger. 

With this change over many people have been locked out of their old accounts, and are having to re-join.

I may have found a way round it, that may work for some.

If you know someone is locked out of their old account, then.....

First try and find their old accounts profile page. the URL should be

"community.foxsports.com/theirusername"

Some of these old profiles are in better shape than others (I have seen one that is just a profile picture). There should be a tab somewhere to add that person as a friend. Try and add them.

Now, presuming that they have certain alerts turned on they should get an email, telling them that someone has requested them as a friend, and a link - something like "foxsports.com/login". They should click that.

For me that bypassed the community log in (which seems to be causing all the trouble) and got me to this, my old account.

This may, or may not, work for everyone or even anyone. But I felt it was worthwhile to post it and try and cure a problem or two.

It's a question often asked at (admittedly mostly Yuppie) parties after more alcohol that ideal has been drunk - "If you were a wine, what would you be?" I personally have never been asked, but I like to imagine such a question exists.

So with Sonoma behind us, and the long panning shots of the hilltop vinyards being shown, instead of (I don't know) actual racing, I got to thinking, what wines would a handful of NASCARs latest and greatest (and some others) be.

In the week that GM annouced it was pulling support for its teams in NASCAR's three touring series the Cup Series took in Detroit (or at least the track closest to Detroit).

The race was so boring, I have decided to give over this pre-able to previewing Sonoma, which is in the heart of wine country. So, naturally I will be indulging in watching the race while supping from my birthday present, the largest amount of Sierra Nevada Pale Ale I've ever seen in this country (is it a bad sign when your loved ones buy you beer for your birthday).

Sonoma, will of course have the double file restarts NASCAR have mandated to try and keep people interested, which means there will be double file cautions, with crashes through the opening complex every lap, probably all involving Kevin Harvick's inability to brake.

Oh, right, Michigan.

Patrick Carpentier - Mike Skinner, who morphed into Patrick Carpentier morphed back into Mike Skinner for the trip to Michigan. Unfortunately he couldn't morph into anyone fast enough to make the race as Mike and the #36 team were the only team to miss the cut......10/10

Joe Nemechek - Joe was back to being a nice normal field filler, starting 40th and manage to start and park his way to a 42nd place finish after only 20 laps. Are the start and parkers getting earlier? Are the days to Dave Blaney's 49ers consigned to the history books so soon? Also this week marked a new milestone in the Start and Park rulebook as the previously posted reasons (no matter how pointless and unbeliveable to a cynic such as myself) were replaced by "Out of Race". Is it time NASCAR had it's own Freedom of Information Act? Why were they out of the race, exactly where was that debris that save Jr. from going a lap down............10/10

David Gilliand - David and TRG team were back on track for being a proper race team, rather than one of start and park teams at Michigan, graduating up to the 30s and completing somewhere near full race distance, finishing two laps down. Well I suppose it's progress of sorts.......................9/10

Michael Waltrip - Another driver who endured an anonymous day in 30s, qualifying 36th and finishing 30th. However, one thing is for sure. If anyone is in anyway curious about the intricacies of the new (bafflingly complex) restart procedure then just ask Mikey, as he seems to have cornered the market in the wave-around, or as it shall from here on in be known "The Waltrip". Of couse Michael has only been able to take advantage of these as he hasn't caused a caution recently. He won't even be able to next week as he will morph into Patrick Carpentier, as Mike Skinner will morph into Brian Simo (no, he wasn't in the Beach Boys)........................7/10

Dale Earnhardt Jr. - If anyone studying NASCAR wants to see Jr.'s season in a nutshell they should watch the Michigan race (of course insomniacs should also watch it, and people coming off chemical enduced high who need to be brought crashing back to reality). Aside from the shameful lack of pit problems Dale's afternoon went something like this - good, good, good, good, final pitstop, boom, bad, don't know why, just bad, real bad, mixing it with Robby Gordon bad. And here I paraphrase something Marshall Pruett from Speedtv.com said, in that the way the COT handles you need to be good to win. Perhaps Dale Jr. just isn't good.........4/10

Kurt Busch - Aside from the fact that Penske are expected to bankrupt between buying out Saturn (a whole planet, wow!) from GM and the sheer numbers of lug nuts expected to not make it out of Sonoma with the team, the Brew Crew (Credit Kristen Valus) had another good race as part of what is becoming a good year, this being (to my mind) Penske's best year since Rusty Wallace analyising "Draft Lock" was a mere twinkle in the eye of sadistic networks. Kurt at Sonoma, well presuming they have enough lugs to keep the wheels on I can't help but remember the Busch v Gordon (the other one) battle from The Glen in the Nationwide Series...............2/10

Jimmie Johnson - Has Chad Knaus gone soft in the head? Has someone nicked his calculator? For two weeks running Jimmie has found his engine gasping for gas just a little sooner than he would have liked. Last week he only had a home straight to negotiate, this week, he found himself in an octane desert with a whole two miles to negotiate. The mission for Valus and company at Sonoma, drill holes in the 48's gas cans and we can leave him stranded out on track, with only a hip flask of water and dishcloth over his head (at least then he'll have an excuse to be growing that stupid beard)................2/10

And the Brikkie Goes To

There are sometimes that something happens and you just can't stop it even though you see it coming. Think, throwing the TV control to someone across the room, only for them to choose that exact moment to pick up their drink. You know it's going to result in drink-spilling-sweary-messiness but as the remote passes through the air in slow motion you can do nothing to change its course. A Field Goal missing left from moment boot meets ball is agonising to watch as it just drifts further and further away from where it should be. For being the latest in these situations the Brikkie goes to David Stremme. From the moment that car went sideways it was heading towards the one solid structure on that side of the track like it was being pulled in by an invisable cable. Yet there was nothing you (or he seemingly) could do to avoid it. If anyone wants a needle finding in a haystack, you could do worse than calling David Stremme.

Next Week

Off to turn left AND right!! And there is no Dave Blaney (I swear he's avoiding me deliberately). Instead we have Tony Raines (morphing into Chris Cook) in the #37, Joe Nemechek (not morphing), Sterling Marlin (turning Canadian as Ron Fellows) in the Missus Cookie 09 and Scott Speed (morphing into someone who knows what he's doing?). In a similar vein we have Robby Gordon, and a man who always knows what he's doing (in an all you can eat restaurant) Tony Stewart. Finished off with a big dollop of Reed Sorenson.

Well, Pocono has come and gone (please tell me it's gone, pretty please) and as predicted by anyone with a few brain cells to bash together it was very boring, but for a very boring race there were a lot of talking points.

Tony Stewart won the first race as an owner/driver since before NASCAR got popular, which is good considering he's been annoyingly close for most of the season.

However, it was something else about the finish that caught my eye (or ear to be precise). While Tony was bouncing of all the insides of his car as Kasey Kahne decided to spin there was the call of "trouble off of four" from the booth. Fine, good brilliant.

At anywhere other than Pocono. The place known as the Tricky Triangle.

Not the Squalid Square. Or the Retched Rhombus. Or even the Hellish Hexagon.

So, how many corners do you think it has? Here's a clue - not four!

Also, a quick call out to Dexter Bean, who not only surprised all (or at least me) by turning out not to be a start-and-park team, thus beating every single one of that collective. He also managed to claim the scalps of Denny Hamlin and Kurt Busch, who are the recipients of the first two (unfortunately hypothetical) "beaten by The Bean" bumper stickers.

And with all these stories the 7 most boring drivers from a boring race fall into my lap.

Tony Raines - Another easy one as the Pennsylvania rains put a very early end to Tony's quest for glory, as he was the lowest ranked driver on the entry list. On the good side, it saved the team money and gave Tony a chance to explore the tourist-a-list-ic nature of the Poconos.................10/10

Mike Skinner - Mike mysteriously morphed into Patrick Carpentier for this week, as the Truck Series was racing somewhere vaguely interesting. However, not even putting a Canadian in the car could improve results for the flagging Tommy Baldwin team. They were the first victims of a mysterious set of vibrations that also claimed Blaney and Nemechek. Local police at investigating a smash and grab raid on a nearby adult store. However, they have declined to say whether they believe the events are connected......................10/10

David Gilliand - Another one of the fabulous formation start-and-parkers, bringing the car in after 34 laps. However, he and his team at least showed some originality with an ignition problem, rather than the alledged adult toy vibration related problem. Further investigation shows that this may be another case of the AFNK curse as only the week after I was linguistically patting TRG on the back, they decide to go and be start and parkers. Typical. Friggin' Typical..........10/10

Scott Speed - Oh, was Scott Speed actually racing, I didn't notice. While the world is following the spotty kid with the orange car like a bloodhound on the trail of a murderer, Scott Speed's rookie season continues to fly below the radar. Which isn't necessarily a bad thing on weeks like this when something like his 32nd place finish is an almost perfect barometer for Scott's weekend. If Red Bull are looking for better exposure they need to follow the Paul Menard/Robby Gordon model of putting mediocrity in something bright yellow.......................8/10

Kevin Harvick - Actually to that bright-yellow-and-rubbish category you can almost add Kevin Harvick, who's picture could easily be the dictionary definition of "mediocre" this year (of course my dictionary doesn't have pictures, honest). And Pocono was another chapter in Kevin's year of anonymity (aside from having commentators point out that he's not doing very well). If nothing else he was consistent, taking his car from a 24th place start to a 24th place finish, which in the standings (logically enough) dropped him two spots to 26th, where he is actually being beaten by the before mentioned spotty kid...................7/10

Elliott Sadler - More anonymity! Sadler led. Briefly. For two laps. When everyone else was pitting. And when you need everyone else to stop for you to be winning you know that's a bad state of affairs. He finished one place below Harvick (admittedly having started a whooping 3 places behind him) and now sits in the same place in the overall standings, one ahead of Bobby Labonte in an area of the standings that rather professes to faded glory....................6/10

Carl Edwards - At last someone worthwhile! Carl is Tony's replacement at the front of the queue of drivers who are due a win, and this week fuel mileage conspired to rob him of a chance of a win. He spent the whole race bothering the point position, led just over half the race at 103 laps (or 309 corners) and even managed not to disappoint me by even finding time to try and crash into his team mates, with he and Matt Kenseth getting a little over friendly...............................1/10

And the Brikkie goes to..................

Denny "can't last 50 yards" Hamlin! Remembering Denny's rookie heroics Denny was the first name into my fantasy team this week, having saved him for Pocono for just that reason. And after he topped the only practice I excused myself feeling rather smug and pleased with myself (as no doubt did many others). So I settled into watch the race  - with duvet, mug of cocoa, cuddly toy, hot water bottle and all the normal things prepare for Pocono with only for my shot at genius to last about as long as a substandard biscuit being dunked in the Pocono Cocoa! The Brikke gets hurled at Denny, which is easy as he's not a moving target, for building my hopes up worse than a blind-folded, surprise trip to Walmart.

Next week

There is not Dave Blaney!!. Or Dexter Bean!! Instead we get something close to a dream AFNK. Well, firstly there is the garbage of Patrick Carpentier, David Gilliand and Joe Nemechek to get through. But then we have Kurt Busch, Jimmie Johnson, Dale Jr and Michael Waltrip to balance it out.