I got bored and decided to make a tournament of the most well-known steroid-users (in baseball).

1. Barry Bonds

2. Jose Canseco

4. Mark McGwire

5. Jason Giambi

3. Sammy Sosa

6. Rafael Palmeiro

7. David Segui

8. Jason Grimsley

Round One-

1. Barry Bonds vs. 8. Jason Grimsley: Most people think Bonds advances right of the bat, but Grimsley was the guy that named players like Roger Clemens, Miguel Tejada, Brian Roberts, and even David Segui (along with others) to be linked with steroids. But, Bonds is about to break the famous record in baseball history, so Bonds advances. 

2. Jose Canseco vs. 7. David Segui: Is there really any competition in this one? C'mon, Canseco was the founder of this whole tournament, so I gotta let him advance.

3. Sammy Sosa vs. 6. Rafael Palmeiro: Sure, Sammy just hit 600, but his lame excuse of, well, an excuse, was that he couldn't speak english. Sure, I'll give him that he isn't fluent, but I mean, seriously, that is stupid. The same day, Raffa says that he hadn't used steroids...period. When in reality he had failed a drug test before the hearing. It ended up buying him some time for some more home runs. Close call, but Palmeiro pulls the upset.  

4. Mark McGwire vs. 5. Jason Giambi: This one is almost as close as the 3-6 matchup, and again it will come down to they guy with the bigger cohones. McGwire also had a sad excuse: "I'm not here to talk about the past-I'm here to talk about the future." Giambi's recent come-out wins it for him.

Semifinals-

1. Barry Bonds vs. 5. Jason Giambi: Barry is arguably the best the hitter ever. The fact is, he hasn't been PROVED of using steroids yet. Giambi actually told the world himself that he's been juiced, where Bonds had his own his show about how he didn't use them. This tournament is for steroid users, not for the guys-who-said-they-didn't-but-probably-did. Giambi advances.

2. Jose Canseco vs. 6. Rafael Palmeiro: If it were by talent, I would give it to Palmeiro. One can assume that he didn't used steroids as long as Canseco did. But Canseco CREATED Raffa. He created his juicer legacy and all of the media that comes along with it. Canseco advances easily.

Finals-

2. Jose Canseco vs. 5. Jason Giambi: Let's match up the stats:

• Media: Canseco gets the edge here, I mean, seriously, he had a book.
• Talent: It's hard to tell here, but the edge goes to Giambi. He supposedly isn't using steroids anymore and he still he isn't slowing down...much.
• Accusations: Obviously, this has to go to Canseco.

In the end, Canseco comes out with the win, winning the first annual Tournament of Juicers.

If you have any comments on this then feel free to let your voice be heard on the comment board. Oh, and the reason that Roger Clemens and Miguel Tejada weren't on this is because they were only accused. There hasn't been much evidence behind it.

Some things are better left unsaid. Someone needs to tell this to these sports stars who need to keep their mouth shut-or else they will eventually say this:

Roger Clemens-"I don't know. The year 2011 says something to me: dominance. And when I think dominance, I think the Boston Red Sox. So I will be coming back for yet another year in search of another title."

If you haven't already guessed, he will say this sometime in 2011 during the seventh inning stretch on the Jumbotron at Fenway Park.

Barry Zito-"Yeah, man, that would be fun! Just think of it, dude: Barry Zito and the San Francisco Giants! This way, I don't really have to move, unless I find some good land and a mansion overlooking some hot chick. Of course, she would have to like Rock and Roll, because I only dig the babes with style!"

Oh, sorry, that already happened... 

George Steinbrenner-"I'm sick of losing! One more year like this and Joe and Brian can just leave! I'm not standing for this anymore! The Yankees are like the Mona Lisa-there's only one. Unless, of course, someone made another Yankees and another Mona Lisa, then there would be two! But more to the point, I'm not going to pay these guys millions to get guys like Prince Fielder and Grady Sizemore unless we win! Because then I would't have a problem, I would be fine, in fact. My son said to me the other day "Hey, Boss!" Oh, I guess I forgot what he said....What was I talking about again?"

The year is 2014, and George Steinbrenner is, again, upset with his losing Yankees.

Pacman Jones-"Don't be disrespectin', man! Just because I shot some guy doesn't mean I'm a bad person!" Then, when asked about his future in the NFL, he states "I'm still on the Titans, right?"

During an interview in the year 2009.

Nick Swisher-"I'm just out here havin' fun, man! This is just so much fun for me, to be able to ride the Zamgooney! Oh, Zamboni? Yeah, that thing. I liked the MLB, but man, I didn't get enough time to just kick back with the ladies. Me and my new roommate Barry Zito over there are thinking of making a band, man..."

In an interview asking why he retired from the MLB at the age of 33, and why he is pursuing his new career of Zamboni driver at the Bay Area Ice Rink.

Kobe Bryant-"I hate this team. There isn't a single player on this team that helps me out! I will not, I repeat, WILL NOT, play for this team again next year."

Kobe is yet again having trouble finding a team in the year 2008.

Eli Manning-"God dang it...I hate my brother."

Any day now.

Carson Palmer-"Yeah, after the 24th arrest of a Bengals player I thought: If you can't stop 'em, join 'em. And here I am, having the most fun I have ever had in my life with my best friend Chad Johnson. Oh-wait...I am getting a text from Chris Henry. It says 'Make sure you don't tell anyone about those drugs I ordered.' Oh..."

In an interview in the year 2010.

These were the only players I could think up a quote for in a span of about 45 minutes. So if you have any others feel free to let your voice heard.

"Yeah, last year's champion...was...umm...who was last year's champion?"

Seriously, people, who was last year's World Series Winner? Because it sure wasn't the St. Louis Cardinals. Last year, the Cardinals were a different team in a different league than the 2007 Cardinals. But, oh yeah, the 2006 regular season Cardinals were almost just as disappointing. How could a team with an 83-78 record win the AL Central? Oh yeah, because it is the St. Louis Cardinals.

This team went from a 100-62 record in '05 and choking in the playoffs, to barely itching by with squeak of a record over .500 and winning the World Series.

What do I have to say about this? Well, one well-known phrase sums it up: Parallel Baseball Universe (in the NL Central).

What else could be used to describe this undescribable feat? The Houston Astros in '05 were the team that were unbeatable down the stretch, and even more dominant in the playoffs, until they played the White Sox. But see, that is exactly the point that proves my argument true: St. Louis was the team last year that choked down the stretch, and then couldn't be beaten in the playoffs (and that does include the World Series).

So, what will happen this year? The Cardinals will end up getting hot down the stretch, but the Brewers will edge it out in the last, oh, let's say, 10 games. In those ten games there will be a contension for the wild card: between the Astros, Cardinals, and the Cubs.

We can already scratch out the Astros, because, frankly, I hate them. So this brings us to two teams: the St. Louis Cardinals and the Chicago Cubs. This is where it gets complicated: everybody is going to expect the Cardinals to win because they won the World Series last year, and everybody is going to expect the Cubs to choke because they are the Cubs. But that is the beauty of a parallel universe: you can't predict anything. You think one thing and then the next minute you think something else.

In the end, you guessed it, the St. Louis Cardinals will win the wild card. Nobody really knows how but they will win it. But, in hindsight, they actually won't win it. The whole concept of  "they can't win it" will win it for them. The fact that everybody counted them out last year won it for them, and in '05 when they were the favorites, they lost because everybody had counted everybody else out in the NL. So what we end up is an endless cornocopia of confusion.

Because, again, we are living in a Parallel Baseball Universe. In the NL Central.

Ah, it's a nice day in Philadelphia. The wind is blowing, the birds are chirping, and suddenly there is a deafening sound of boos coming from Citizens Bank Park. Oh, but never mind that- some dude with a bat just hit his 713th home run of his career.

When the name Babe Ruth comes up, people think "the greatest baseball player to ever live." Similarly, when the name Hank Aaron comes up, people think "the greatest baseball player to ever live." But, when the name Barry Bonds comes up, people think "that's the guy that everybody was insulting at the game last night," and "if he breaks the Babe's record, I'm gonna drive down to BALCO and turn into the greatest baseball player to ever live."

Can anyone guess the difference? Well, for one thing, after Hank Aaron broke Babe's record, he was praised all around the country (even though he was black, and prejudism was as hot as Angelina Jolie). Also, neither Babe or Hammerin' Hank were associated at all with performance inhancing drugs.

People can make the argument that pitching wasn't as good back in the day; but when push comes to shove, 714 is a really big number. And, Barry Bonds is a big boy. But, did he look as big as he does now in Pittsburgh? I think not. Being a teenager, I know you don't go through puberty in your 20s unless you're name is Andy Milonakis. And quite frankly: this guy doesn't look like Andy Milonakis. He might be dumb enough, but no cigar.

If I asked anyone in my school whether or not Bonds disserved 713, not only would people say no, but they would probably start laughing hysterrically. Barry- here's some career advice: retire now before you hit no. 714. At least then you will graduate from as much respect as a toilet seat, to as much respect as a doorknob.

Why don't other steroid users get as hated as Bonds does? Obviously because Bonds is a far better juicer than Rafael Palmeiro or Jason Giambi. It sure does take a lot of energy to inject a syringe into your bicep every night. In fact, I think it would be better for his family to retire. On Bonds on Bonds, he states that it he recieves death threats by phone and email warning him to retire. If it is truly that hard, do your family and the baseball world a favor in retiring.

Because 713 is a really big number, too.

Juicy, in fact.

Though the season has just started, here's who I think are the most overrated teams and players in the MLB:

National League:

Most overrated team: Atlanta Braves

Although the Braves are in the same division as the New York Mets, they have won the NL East every year since 1995. By winning the NL East almost like clock work, it would be stupid to pick against them as the division winner, right? Wrong. Even as they have Andruw Jones, who homered 51 times last year, all of their former superstars are beginning to fade. For example: Chipper Jones seems as if he is getting older every time he walks onto the field. For one thing, he warms the bench almost half the season every season due to injuries. Also, he hasn't led the Braves in BA in four years. What the Braves need to do is trade Chipper for some young blood. In actuality, one of the best players on the Braves is Jeff Francoeur, and he is only in his second year with the Braves.

American League:

Most overrated team: New York Yankees

The New York Yankees are leading the AL East currently, and the only reason I post them as overrated is because of the old, inconsistent pitching. Sure, Randy Johnson is one of the greatest pitchers to ever play, but he is 41. Here's some career advice, Randy: You're probably not going to past Nolan Ryan for career strikeouts, so just retire. The last thing the MLB needs is another Julio Franco. The same thing goes for Mike Mussina, although he is leading the Yankees' pitching staff with a 5-1 record, my career advice for you is the same as Randy's. Who knows, maybe you guys have talent for golf as well as you did for baseball. Lucky enough for the Yankees, they still have some- and I mean very little- young pitchers: Shawn Chacon (28, 3-1) and Jaret Wright (30, 0-2). But, as the Yankees' starters struggle to find the Fountain Of Youth, the relievers are hunting, too. Arguibly one of the best closers of all time, Mariano Rivera isn't getting any younger at 36. I don't whether or not is time to throw in the towel, yet, but I think George Steinbrenner and Joe Torre should trade him for some young starters. Fortunately for the Yankees, Kyle Farnsworth (30) is another reliever. I think if they trade Rivera, they should move Farnsworth to closer, and getting a little youth to try to close out your games. But, the Yankees have won 26 World Series titles, so they probably know more than me when it comes to winning games.

Most overrated player in the MLB: Barry Bonds

I know, I know. 712 home runs, and third on the all-time home run list. But, since he has only hit four homers this year, and just coming off what could have been the biggest steroid scandal ever, how can anyone root for him (other than San Francisco). Great timing, Barry, the one year you're not on pace to hit 500 home runs, is the same season in which you have been accused of steroids. Well, obviously, he's all out of juice: 4 HRs, only a .237 BA, only 14 hits, and only 11 hits this season. I can't believe someone like this is about to past one of the greatest baseball players to ever live in Babe Ruth, but might actually surpass "Hammerin'" Hank for the most home runs all time. I know what he's thinking right now: "Where'd that fan throw that syringe on opening day?"