Bench-clearers, sucker-punches, cheap shots, and more! In the entire sport's world, who is the best brawler?

There are too many for me to do an eight player tournament, so I will do my analysis of all of the best brawlers I can think of and then narrow down the best to eight for the finals.

 

Qualifiers: 

 

Chris Young: For his fight with Derrek Lee earlier this year. At 6'10 and 260 pounds, Young has the potential to brawl with numerous players, and maybe even win. He reminds me of white, baseball-playing Joe Frazier, with his strong right hook as his go-to punch.  

 

Derrek Lee: For his fight with Chris Young. His prowess is outstanding, and he only gets tougher every year after battling numerous injuries. The only thing I don't like about him is his aggressiveness out of the dugout if it was a teammate in a brawl. It will be a close one. 

 

Carlos Zambrano: For his fight with teammate (at the time) Michael Barrett. Big, strong dude and it only is a bonus that the fight was with his catcher.  

 Michael Barrett: For fight with Carlos Zambrano and scuffle with A.J. Pierzynski. This guy isn't afraid of anyone, except for maybe Derrek Lee. I don't know, it just always looked he was kind of scared of him. Anyway, he even got traded for being such a ****. Word up, Michael!

 Stephen Jackson: Wow. Not only was he in the infamous Pacer/Piston brawl, but he has been in various melees outside the lines. Strip clubs, bars, you name it, he's fought there.

 Ron Artest: How can I not put this guy on the list? He started possibly the biggest fight in sport's history. And not only did he start it, but he definitely didn't stop it, either. He had to be held back from trainers, teammates, and even coaches.

 Carmelo Anthony: For giving the biggest sucker-punch since I have been alive. And then running away like a little kid. You can count on him not making it to the finals.

 Joe Blanton: For starting a fight with a half-pint. And he started it without really a reason at all.  

John Lackey: For his headlock against division-rival Jason Kendall. In fact, his pitch didn't even bean Kendall, Kendall was just taking out some blind rage from the A's poor start last season, or something. But no matter, Lackey had his headlock ready.

The 2006-07 Miami Hurricanes Football Team: They must have really hated playing football, because it seemed whenever I would switch to them on the TV, someone would be throwing punches. There fight with FIU was classic, though. They were so in to the fight that they had a guy come off the injured reserve just to hit someone with his crutches.

 

Billy Martin: He had so much blind rage that he took it out on his players. I know it was a little retro, but when ESPN is making a show just for an excuse to make a remake of the scuffle, you know it was a classic bout. Reggie didn't stand a chance...

 

Jermaine O'Neal: Do I need to even say why? I loved that part of the brawl when he was on the court and he just walked up and smacked a fan. I didn't see it, but there was probably a nod or something between the fan and Jermaine, it just looked too casual.

 

Final tournament:

 

QUARTERFINALS-

 

No. 1 Ron Artest vs. No. 8 Jermaine O'Neal-There really is no competition here. Ron was just too good in this fight. Jermaine, for once, was just supporting cast to one of his teammates. 

 

No. 2 Michael Barrett vs. No. 7 Billy Martin-It seems that the only coach in this tournament is going home. Barrett, like Martin, was born pissed off at someone. Now it is finally biting him in the rear-fighting with his catcher, getting traded for it, and then being written about by a 14-year-old. That isn't the life.

 

No. 3 Stephen Jackson vs. No. 6 Carlos Zambrano-This is a close one. The fact that Zambrano bounced back after his bout will be his downfall. After Jackson's fight, it didn't take long for him to get arrested. 

 

No. 4 Miami Hurricanes vs. No. 5 Chris Young-On paper it looks close. But this isn't even a contest even before the game starts. Someone on the Hurricanes got mad that Young was breathing their air. "Someone get the crutches!"

 

SEMIFINALS-

 

No. 1 Ron Artest vs. No. 4 Miami Hurricanes-Coming off their suspensions from their last brawl with Chris Young, the 'Canes are hungry. Hungry enough to pull off the upset, in fact. But, what the heck, Ron figured it would give him some more time to work on his album.

 

No. 2 Michael Barrett vs. No. 3 Stephen Jackson-Came down to the last round, but Barrett wins by DQ. Jackson got too mad at the constant one-two's that he pulled out his gun. Nobody was surprised, though, hence the "First 10,000 get a bullet-proof vest" promo.

 

CHAMPIONSHIP-

 

No. 2 Michael Barrett vs. No. 4 Miami Hurricanes-Again, a close one for Barrett. But, again, Barrett wins it down the wire. Turns out that half of the Miami team had to leave with two minutes left-they had meetings with their parole officers. 

 

Well, there you have it. Barrett comes out on top. And then is traded again for even attending this tournament.

 

I'm sure there are going to disagreements, so comment!

You know, I guess I just got really bored.

Anyway, what would happen if a variety of sports stars all got online together and played World Of Warcraft? Something you would actually very much expect...

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"Alright, man," said Kobe Bryant into his headset, "Let's go for the Ogremaster."

"No!" screamed one of his followers, Alex Rodriguez, "Remember-we have to find the 'Sword That is Really Shiny and Stuff.'"

"Oh yeah."

"Oww...I have been playing for hours! Can't we just get this over with?" groaned another follower of Kobe, Peyton Manning.

"Okay, fine" sighed Kobe, " All in favor of coming with me to find the 'Sword That is Really Shiny and Stuff. All in favor of fighting the Ogremaster now?"

It had been decided. Peyton was to lead a group of up-and-coming stars in their sports, such as: Kevin Durant, Greg Oden, Calvin Johnson, Alex Gordon, VInce Young, and a few more who have yet to be discoverd. Kobe was to lead another group, and in fact, a much smaller group. Members included: Alex Rodriguez (a brave but very much hated archer), Ricky Williams (a sorcerer who didn't really have anything better to do), and Pacman Jones (a loose cannon priest-yeah, I don't get it either). And finally we have Kobe Bryant, a noble Warrior who is carefully skilled in the arts of swordery. If that is a word.

So Kobe led his foursome on a long, devastating journey, until, finally, they came across the "Sword That is Really Shiny and Stuff.' But, the holy sword had been lodged into a conviently placed anvil sitting on a tree stump.

"I guess I must try," said Kobe. He walked straight up to the sword and pulled it out of the anvil. "Oh, okay...let's go!"

Kobe led Pacman, Ricky, and A-Rod across vast oceans, nasty swamps, and a few itchy valleys along the way, until they finally reached their destination: the House of the Ogremaster.

"Before we start this battle," said Kobe, "I want to tell you that you are a great posse."

"Anyone got any weed," asked Ricky.

"Yeah, man, I wanna get high, man!" screamed Pacman.

"Can't this wait?" asked Kobe, "I'm finally going to win a championship by myself-um, I mean, defeat the Ogremaster. Just, come on."

Grudgingly, Pacman and Ricky followed. When the group reached the door, Kobe drew his sword gallantly, and then knocked on the door.

"Who is it?" asked someone from the inside.

"It's I, Kobe Bryant. I have come with a few members to challenge you to a duel."

"Okay." Suddenly there was a rustling inside the house and a few wild boars squeeling. "Back, Rover, back! No...stop it! Stop it! Could you do me a favor and wait there; I am coming out the back door."

When the Ogremaster arrived, they started their fight.

"Defensive formations!" screamed Kobe.

"Face it, Kobe, you never have been a leader," said the Ogremaster.

"How do you know who I really am?"

The Ogremaster took his opponents off-guard, and quickly killed off A-Rod, Pacman, and Ricky.

"Dang it! I never have a good team!" yelled Kobe. "I can still beat you."

"No, Kobe, that is where you are wrong. You will never be able to beat me. Not now, and not on Christmas when our teams play."

"No. No! Could it be..."

"Shaq. You will never be able to beat me! I defeated Peyton and his squad and now I have defeated yours."

"No. I can still win."

But the Ogremaster then used a slicing move while Kobe's defense was down, but, come to think of it, his defense is always down...

Kobe had been defeated by Shaq. Again. I guess sometimes miracles don't come true.

THE END

?

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Well, again, I guess I just got really bored.

I hope you liked it. If you didn't than I can't say I didn't blame you. It isn't like I planned this story out.

Recently my mom and dad got mad at me for not going outside enough. Well, you can't blame me: I go to tennis from 9 to 2 every day. I live in Texas. When I get home I want to sit in the air conditioning and relax. I don't want to even think about my body or doing anything with it.

Basically I have to make an excuse of sitting on my butt from 2 to 10, and a few minutes ago I may have found one: Blogging is a sport. In fact, it does abide by the American Heritage Dictionary definition of the word "sport."

1. "Physical activity that is governed by a set of rules or customs and often engaged in competitively."

You know, my fingers are really getting a work out from all of this typing. That should definetely pass as physical activity.

As for the rules thing, that is easy to explain. Profanity, spam, racism, porn, etc. are frowned upon by all bloggers. Well, maybe not the bloggers, but the Man, at least. Any blogger could be expelled indefinetely for using "bad words" and "naughty pics."

2. "An active pastime; recreation."

Isn't literature the most famous piece of entertainment ever made? Blogging should be close enough to literaute to pass by this definition.

I guess I couldn't find another good definition, but at two should be enough to define a sport, right?

If that isn't enough then I have thought of another occurence that happens in the other "weenie sports" that include throwing things and hitting things: injuries. Sure, you can't tear your ACL typing on your computer, but you can, in fact, get Carpel Tunnel Syndrome. Arthritis is another big boo-boo.

Ha! I laugh in the name of broken arms, strained wrists, and Achilles Tendon tears. Let the real players get the real injuries. And let the real athletes play the real sports! And I am not talking about baseball, football, or basketball. I am talking about blogging, where men and women are allowed.

You see that-a sport where men and women are equal. Blogging as a sport is already making society a better place.

So, now that we are on the map as athletes, where will we be seen? Best to tune into these channels for the best chance at seeing us at our own game:

• ESPN2-Seriously, what haven't they showed during the daytime slot? They have showed Darts, Poker, Cheerleading, Scrabble, Pool (yeah, not Billiards), Dog Shows, and a lot more humiliating sports. Maybe we will get lucky.
• GSN-They'll play anything nowadays. Since they have been moved out of cable TV, they would play anything that might get some people to watch.
• A&E-It's a long shot, but all of the crap they think they can pass as "entertainment" will someday bite them in the caboose. They will soon need a big-time show so they don't end up like GSN.
• ESPN8 (The Ocho)-Hopefully by the time this sport is developed as a sport ESPN will have listened to all the pleas from people about making "The Ocho." And, as we all know very well, "If it's almost a sport, it's on the Ocho!"

Thanks for reading, citizens. Hopefully some day my mom and dad will see this and stop getting mad at me.

 

I just found out that a Moneyball movie is in the works. If it is rated R, I think I am going to kill myself.

Anyway, these are the actors I would cast for each part:

Billy Beane-Sources say that the part is between two guys: George Clooney and Vince Vaughn. Out of the two I would prefer Vaughn, but I wouldn't cast either of them. For Billy Beane, I think it has to be the guy from Entourage. I think his name is Jeremy Piven, he plays Ari. He has a humorus side to him but he can also be serious, just like Billy. He would be perfect for the line "Who is the best looking GM in baseball?  The only problem would be that he is too much like Ari, but I still think he is the best for the part.

Paul DePodesta-I would cast John Krasinski (the guy from License to Wed and The Office). He could definetely pull off the nerdy computer geek look, and they even look a lot alike. He and Piven would be an awesome combo, I can see Krasinski whispering corrections into Piven's ear while Piven is on the phone.

Scott Hatteberg-It would be his first serious role, but he has the potential to be a great actor and he fits in with the Hatteberg personality, so I would go with Johnny Knoxville. He would need to fatten up a little more and dye his hair red, but other than that he is great for this role.

Ron Washington-At first I thought Don Cheadle would be a good fit, and he is, but I think I found a better one in Danny Glover. Washington is quiet but can be very talkative at the same time. He also is a great leader and the players looked up to him. I am hoping that Glover's role in Angels in the Outfielder prepared him enough for this role.

Chad Bradford-I couldn't think of one for him either, so I got this one from a website, too. Kip Pardue was their pick, saying that he would have to make a trip to the barber for this role and that he is best known for Remember the Titans ("Sunshine") and Rules of Attraction.

Nick Swisher-This one was really hard. Mostly because it was hard to find a personality like Swisher's. The weird thing is I didn't find a personality like Swisher's, but I think he is a good enough actor to make himself have a Swisher-like personality. In the end, I got Joaquin Phoenix. I really don't know how but I did.

Art Howe-Terry O'Quinn would be great for this part (the bald dude from Lost). They look a lot alike and I can definetely see O'Quinn cutting Mike Magnante.

Bill James-I couldn't think of anyone, so I got this one off of a website: Paul Giamatti. I think he would be a good fit, but he is a little thin. He has the right personality, though.

Kenny Williams-I think an older-looking Taye Diggs could pull off this part, but what can't makeup do these days? They kind of look alike, and since Williams is portrayed pretty much as an idiot in the book , it should be perfect for Diggs. I mean seriously, if he could pull off his role in Malibu's Most Wanted, he can pull this off.

John Mabry-He seems like an angry guy according to the book, so I think Josh Lucas would be a great fit, even though he might be a little expensive after being a star in Glory Road and Poseidon. He is perfect, though, especially for the on-going argument with Feiny.

My favorites are Piven for Beane, Lucas for Mabry, and Krasinski for DePodesta.

There are probably going to be a lot of disagreements on the parts, so feel free to let your voice be heard.

 

 

 

First off, I am not a Yankees fan. I hate the Yankees so much that it is actually kind of disgusting. And since I hate both of teams there is no bias towards any team whatsoever.

This is probably going to get a lot of people mad and make humiliating comments, but someone has to do it.

Who is more annoying-the Yankees or the Red Sox? It is actually really hard for me to tell.

Sure, the Yankees are the Yankees. They have more money than every team in the MLB, they have scandolous (and really annoying) players, an annoying owner, a do-nothing GM, and, for that matter, a do-nothing coach. The fact is they can buy pretty much any player they want, and, I mean, the poor little Red Sox just can't do a darn thing about it.

But that is where I'm wrong. They can do a thing about it. They actually can do almost, if not just as much, as the Yankees.

C'mon, it's not like they don't have any money. ESPN cites that the Red Sox have $143,123,714 to they Yankees $195,229,045. Sure this a difference of about $50 million, but to the Yankees and the Red Sox that is what, pocket change? The Red Sox bought out Dice-K, by paying his Japanese team $51 million just to have the rights to him. Then, they went and paid him $52 million over six years. Both of those totals are more than the total team salaries of teams like the Cubs, Cardinals, Tigers, Braves, and Giants.

Keep in mind that all of that was for one player.

But what makes me even more mad than that is that Red Sox fans whine about each and every thing the Yankees do, whether it be the Yankees signing Johnny Damon, getting Babe Ruth, which brought along-you guessed it-that friggin' curse. During that 86-year span, Red Sox fans were more unbearable than ever.

The whole Bill Buckner thing was a joke. Don't blame a superstition that one guy makes one error. It was only a coincidence that it was during the World Series. And, correct me if I am wrong, but that was game six of a seven game series. Red Sox fans seemed to have forgotten that there was still another game in that series, because it isn't like they just lost it in game six. They had another chance. In fact, there is a word that describes this feat that starts with a "c" and ends with a "e." But it isn't curse. The word is choke.

Whine, whine, whine...spend, spend, spend...is that all you Red Sox do? Oh yeah, there is one more thing: hate the Yankees. I don't really disagree with that last one, though.

However, the Yankees are still the Yankees. I still can't decide which one I hate more...