General Manager Theo Epstein
Boston Red Sox Baseball Club
Fenway Park
Yawkey Way
Boston, Massachusetts




March 16, 2006


Mr. Johnny Damon
New York Yankees Baseball Club
Yankee Stadium
Bronx, New York

Dear Johnny,

Congratulations on your recent completion of Part B of our agreed-upon plan. As I'm sure you recall, Part A was handled masterfully by your agent and, of course, yourself. Reeling the Yankees in on that four-year, $52 million contract when no one else was offering anything close to that in terms of length of contract or dollar amount was sheer genius. We had every confidence here at Red Sox headquarters that you could pull it off, we just didn't realize how easy it would be.

Part B required guile and delicacy on your part, and, once again, you were masterful. Hiding the shoulder injury you've had since the middle of last season until now, and springing it on the unsuspecting Yankee brass during the World Baseball Classic, well, let's just say that was a Classic itself. Hopefully Mr. Steinbrenner hasn't been too hard on you, we here at Fenway know how difficult he can be, but you can take great satisfaction in knowing you are instrumental in helping bring down the Evil Empire with your work as a Double Agent.

One suggestion. If you can get team management to fall for the idea that your girlie throwing arm is related to that shoulder injury, much the better. That way when the injury eventually heals, if it ever does, the fact that you still throw like Britney Spears will further demoralize the team that spent all that money on you.

Once again, let me congratulate you on your crucial and history-making work. Continue to implement our plan (I can't wait for Parts C and D!). It's a shame no one can ever know of these important contributions to Red Sox Nation, but remember we are behind you all the way.

Sincerely and with admiration,

Mr. Theo Epstein
General Manager
Boston Red Sox

P.S. Remember you must eat this letter immediately upon receipt. No traces can ever be found.