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Super Star
Contraray to what many people seem to believe, it is possible for the New York Giants to defeat the New England Patriots in Super Bowl XLII February 3 in Glendale, Arizona. The two teams met barely more than a month ago in the regular season finale and New England was forced to come back in the second half to post a three-point win.
Of course, come back they did, with a 22-0 run over a 23 minute stretch of the third and fourth quarters to erase a twelve point deficit, before giving up one final Giants touchdown, resulting in the 38-35 final score.
The general consensus seems to be that this game was the one that propelled the Giants into becoming the team that marched through the NFC playoff field with three straight road wins and gave them the confidence to believe they can be the team to dethrone the undefeated Pats. Of course they can, and this is how.
Please allow me to present the Top Ten Ways the Giants can Defeat New England in Super Bowl XLII:
10) Kidnap Bill Belichick and replace him with the real Darth Vader to prowl the New England sideline.
The success of this one depends upon when the kidnapping gets accomplished. If it's after Belichick and company has finished installing the game plan for Sunday, which probably has already happened, it may be too late.
9) Duct-tape the mouth of every Giants player shut and hope the Patriots forget what Osi and Plaxico already said.
Why does every team seem to feel the need to poke the bear? It's what happens on the field that matters, and talking smack then losing just makes players look silly.
8) Recruit Mother Nature to run an Alberta Clipper down over Glendale, Arizona.
The more snow the better for New York, ruining the field and slowing the New England receivers to a crawl. In fact, just petition the league to move the game to Green Bay.
7) Sneak Peyton Manning onto the field in Eli's uniform.
This one's debatable as well, since Peyton's track record against the Pats is spotty at best, but he's at least a better bet than little brother Eli, who will be mincemeat after New England has two weeks to prepare defensive schemes for him.
6) Buy Stephen Gostkowski a copy of Lawrence Tynes' new book, The Art of Kicking Chip-Shot Field Goals.
If this isn't possible, somehow force Gostkowski to watch a continuous loop of the two easy field goals Tynes missed against Green Bay, hoping the bad kicking form will subliminally insert itself into Gostkowski's brain.
5) Rent every available copy of Remember the Titans, Rocky, and every other inspirational movie the Giants can find.
Then hire a crane to lift them and dump them all on top of the Patriots players while they're in a meeting. Might slow 'em down a little.
4) Recruit Lawrence Taylor to hire hookers for all the Patriots players every night until the game.
The exception, of course, is Tom Brady. Don't even bother trying it with him, he has Giselle; what would he want with a hooker? The plan for Brady is listed further down.
3) Lure all the Patriots wide receivers to University of Phoenix Stadium hours before the game.
As the crew is sliding the removable field into position, get the receivers to look in the other direction in the hopes the field will run them over. Kind of like what happened to Vince Coleman with the tarp, only on a much bigger scale.
2) Reinstall a boot on Tom Brady's foot while he's sleeping.
Not a plastic protective boot either. Make it the Denver Boot that the police use to render cars undrivable. This might keep him from sliding around in the pocket away from New York's pass rush.
1) Distract Brady.
And not with those silly Giselle masks they were handing out in New York either. He's way too focused to even notice those. They need to get photos of a Giselle Bundchen-Bridget Moynihan lesbian affair. I know they're probably not readily available, but that would likely be enough to crack even Tom Brady's legendary focus. It's certainly cracked mine.