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Super Star
Hey everybody, George Herman here, speaking to you from beyond the grave. Way beyond, in my case, since I've been dead for nearly sixty years. I know this is a little unorthodox, but I felt the time was right to set a few things straight.
First off, let me tell you that it doesn't get any better than the way things are up here. Hot dogs and beer every day, if that's what floats your boat, and I haven't gained an ounce since the day I died. I don't mean to brag, but pinstriped suits were invented for the body I have now.
And the people! Even Ty Cobb walks around with a smile on his face every day, and you know what a miserable bastard he was during his time down there. Even his mom hated him. Of course, she had reason, he would've run her over if she was standing between him and home plate.
Anyway, back to my point, and I'll try to make it quick. I have a poker game to get back to, and a date with two cute flappers after that. People have been talking about me so much lately, I feel like Ryan Seacrest or Paula Abdul. "Barry Bonds is going to pass the Babe." "Barry Bonds is a cheater." "Babe never cheated." Blah, blah, blah. Listen, folks, I started my career nearly 100 years ago! The game is the same, but it's different, you know what I'm saying? In some ways it was harder (train travel, antique equipment), but in some ways it was easier, too (not everyone could compete).
Even up here where I currently reside, people are constantly asking me, "Babe, did Barry cheat?" You know what I say? Who cares? It is what it is, and I never worried about that stuff when I was alive. The truth will come out eventually, one way or the other, and if Barry cheated, he's going to have to live with that.
He's going to pass me either way, folks, and when he does, I say good for him. It's a tough game to play under the best of circumstances, and out of the thousands of great athletes who have played, only one has passed me up until now.
What I'm trying to say is this: I'm comfortable with my place in the game's history. People remember me as a big, fun-loving guy who could hit like the dickens. And I'm pretty confident that's not going to change no matter what Barry Bonds does.
So folks, I hope this helps to set your mind at ease. Take it from me, life's way too short to worry about things you can't control. Have a beer and a smile, that's what I say. Someday, Barry'll join me up here and when he does, we'll have a little home-run hitting contest of our own to settle things once and for all.
Until then, enjoy the game and the guys that play it. Now, if you'll excuse me, I hear the sound of poker chips calling me, so I really need to get going. That kid Gehrig might look like the All-American Boy, but he'll deal off the bottom of the deck as soon as look at ya. Smart-ass college boy.