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4 months ago ::
Jul 28, 2009 - 7:49AM
#781
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The Sensitive Man
>
> A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.
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> They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.
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> There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall!
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> It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.
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> There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.
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> She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears. She is quite impressed by his sensitive side but doesn't mention this to him. They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after awhile, she finds herself thinking,
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> 'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one!
>
> Maybe he could be the future father of my children? She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips.
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> He responds warmly.
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> They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love. She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she
> has ever known.
> After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow. The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly,
> "Well, how was it?"
>
> The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says...
> "Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf!"
Si vis pacem, para bellum.
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4 months ago ::
Jul 27, 2009 - 6:34PM
#782
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Guy walks into a bar, completely broke, walks up to the bartender, and says, "Bartender, I bet you $50 I can bite my eye"...
Bartender thinks for a sec, and says,..."OK...you're on."
Guy takes out his fake eye, and pops it in his mouth, bites it, and returns it to his eye socket.
Bartender just shakes his head, knowing he fell for the oldest trick in the book, and gives the guy his money.
Guy walks over to the corner of the bar, starts playing poker and loudly buys the house a round of drinks.
A half hour later, guy walks back to the bartender, completely broke again, and says,..."Bartender, I bet you fifty bucks I can bite my other eye".
Bartender thinks about this for a while. Says to himself,..."He's not blind, he walks right up to me...so he doesn't have TWO glass eyes..."
Finally, after a few minutes, the bartender takes the bet. The guy takes out his false teeth, bites his other eye, and returns his false teeth back to his mouth.
Bartender screams "$#%&!!!", and hands the guy 50 more dollars.
Guy walks back to the corner of the room, loudly buys the house a round of drinks, and starts playing poker again.
A half hour later, walks back to the bartender, and says..."Bartender, I feel bad taking your money like that. I've been doing those tricks for years, and I shouldn't be taking advantage of you like that. You seem like a decent person, so I will give you a chance to win your money back fair and square. What do you say?"
Bartender thinks about this for a second and says..."Man you think I'm crazy? I'm not gonna let you scam me out of any more money."
Guy says..."Just hear me out. I have been practicing this trick for only a week now. I need to get this right at least once this week. All you gotta do is let me stand on one of your barstools over there. You stand on the other end of the bar. If you can slide a shot glass across the bar top from that end of the bar to the end I'm standing on, I will bet you the $100 that I can unzip my pants, pee into the shot glass, and fill it to the rim while it is still moving, without spilling a drop on your bar. If I can't, then I will give you your money back. What do you say to that?"
Bartender thinks for at least five minutes before saying..."You mean to tell me you have been practicing this trick?"
Guy says..."When I can..."
Bartender says..."OK...There is no way you can do this. I can slide the shot glass as fast as I want?"
"Up to you..." says the guy.
"OK. I'll take that bet."
Guy walks down to the other end of the bar, stands on the barstool, and waits. Bartender asks..."So...you ready?"
"Any time..." says the guy.
Bartender slides the shotglass as fast as he can down the bar surface, where it smacks the cushion on the end of the bar, flips up in the air and smashes into a million pieces on the wall. Guy unzips his pants and starts to pee on the bar. Guy says..."Damn, I'm still not fast enough!"
Bartender, meanwhile, runs down to the end of the bar, smiling, and says..."HA...! I knew it wasn't possible...gimme my money back!" Guy takes $100 out of his pocket, hands it to the bartender and says..."So you're not upset I made you break a shot glass, or that I kinda peed a little on your bar?"
Bartender says "Hell NO... Actually, I want to thank you for giving me my money back. I shouldn't have bet you in the first place!... You are alright in my book. Tell you what, here is a drink on the house."
Bartender pours the guy a drink, and begins cleaning up the broken glass and the urine off his bar, whistling...
Guy walks back to the corner of the room, sits down, and collects $500 apiece from the guys he was playing poker with. Guy says..."I told you I could pee on the bar and the bartender wouldn't kick me out!"
Confidence is that feeling you get before you understand the consequences.
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4 months ago ::
Jul 27, 2009 - 5:47PM
#783
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Those are both funny -
Degraff thats the first time I heard that one -
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4 months ago ::
Jul 27, 2009 - 2:03PM
#784
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A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?"
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5 months ago ::
Jul 27, 2009 - 11:41AM
#785
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One day a man tried to get a job at a great company. He passed every test with flying colours. At the final interview part, the CEO told him that his constant blinking would bother customers.
"I can fix that with some Aspirin. Just take some and I'll be better in a second"
So, he reaches into his pocket and pulls condom after condom out until he finds the Aspirin. He takes it and his blinking goes away.
The CEO says "We don't approve of womanizing!"
The guy says "Oh! No! Have you ever tried to ask a pharmacist for aspirin while your winking"
Member of the 12
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5 months ago ::
Jul 27, 2009 - 8:25AM
#786
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Due to the popularity of the "Survivor" shows, Texas is planning to do one entitled, "Survivor, Texas-Style."
The contestants will all start in Dallas, then drive to Waco, Austin, San Antonio, over to Houston and down to Brownsville. They will then proceed up to Del Rio, El Paso, Midland, Odessa, Lubbock and Amarillo.
From there they will go on to Abilene, Fort Worth and finally back to Dallas.
Each will be driving a pink Volvo with bumper stickers that read:
"I'm Gay,"
"I Love the Dixie Chicks,"
"Boycott Beef,"
"I Voted for Obama,"
" George Strait Sucks,"
"Hillary in 2012" and
"I'm here to confiscate your guns."
The first one to make it back to Dallas alive = wins.
Si vis pacem, para bellum.
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5 months ago ::
Jul 25, 2009 - 10:09PM
#787
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COX???????
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5 months ago ::
Jul 25, 2009 - 10:08PM
#788
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A CHICKEN FARMER WALKS INTO A NICE BAR AND ORDERS A GLASS OF CHAMPAGNE. HE LOOKS OVER AND NOTICES AN ATTRACTIVE LADY HAVING THE SAME! WHAT A COINCINDECE.......WE BOTH ORDERED CHAMPAGNE SAYS THE LADY. YEAH, WHAT A COINCIDENCE REPLIES THE CHICKEN FARMER, WHAT'S THE OCCASION? HE ASKS. I'M CELEBRATING REPLIES THE LADY, I'VE BEEN TRYING TO GET PREGNANT FOR TEN YEARS AND I JUST FOUND OUT I'M EXPECTING TWINS! CONGRATULATIONS REPLIES THE CHICKEN FARMER, WHAT A COINCIDENCE, I'M ALSO CELEBRATING! MY HENS HAVEN'T LAID EGGS IN THREE YEARS! I CHECKED THIS MORNING AND EVERY HEN LAID TWO EGGS! CONGRATULATIONS! HOW DID THEY DO THAT? ASKS THE LADY? WELL, I CHANGED **** REPLIED THE FARMER. WHAT A COINCIDENCE............................................. 
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5 months ago ::
Jul 24, 2009 - 6:31PM
#789
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Advantages Of Being A Woman
Why it's better to be a Woman!
1. We got off the Titanic first.
2. We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls, and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.
3. Our boyfriend's clothes make us look elfin & gorgeous. Guys look like complete idiots in ours.
4. We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.
5. We can cry and get off speeding fines.
6. We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central female figure in a computer game.
7. Taxis stop for us.
8. Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance.
9. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
10. Free drinks, Free dinners, Free movies ... (you get the point).
11. We can hug our friends without wondering if she thinks we're gay.
12. We can hug our friends without wondering if WE'RE gay.
13. New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life.
14. It's possible to live our whole lives without ever taking a group shower.
15. We don't have to fart to amuse ourselves.
16. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
17. We can congratulate our team-mate without ever touching her butt.
18. If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it.
19. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.
20. If we're dumb, some people will find it cute.
21. We don't have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to fit in.
22. We have the ability to dress ourselves.
23. We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.
24. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot.
25. Our friends won't think we're weird if we ask whether there's spinach in our teeth.
26. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
27. We'll never regret piercing our ears.
28. We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.
29. We know which glass was ours by the lipstick mark.
30. We have enough sense to realize that the easiest way to get out of being lost is to ask for directions.
Member of the 12
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5 months ago ::
Jul 24, 2009 - 5:56PM
#790
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You people are funny -
I love the jokes - Laughter is the best medicine -
Question: What do you call a cow with no legs?
Answer: Ground Beef.
Question: Where do you find the cow with no legs?
Answer: Exactly where you left it.
Question: What do you call a cow with three legs?
Answer: Lean Beef.
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