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3 days ago ::
Nov 26, 2009 - 3:22AM
#1
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and to all a good night!!!
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1 week ago ::
Nov 19, 2009 - 3:37PM
#2
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Young Billy was sitting on the side walk with a small bottle of sulphuric acid, pouring drops on the ants as they crawled past.
A priest passing by saw this, and approached the lad.
"Good morning, young man. What are you doing with that little bottle?" he asked politely.
"I'm burning the ants with the acid," the boy replied.
Thinking that a bottle of acid was dangerous for a small boy to play with, the priest thought of how he could persuade the boy to part with it.
"Listen Son, I have a bottle of holy water here that you could put on the ants instead," said the priest.
"No way Father!" said the boy, "I'd rather have this bottle."
"But mine is special holy water," replied the priest.
"Well, what's so special about it?" enquired the boy.
"Ah," said the priest, "I once put a drop of this on a lady's belly and she passed a child."
"That's nothing!" exclaimed little Billy, "I once put a drop of this on a dog's gonads, and he passed a Kawasaki!!!"
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1 week ago ::
Nov 19, 2009 - 3:34PM
#3
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One day, a lady went to a garage sale and saw this mirror against a wall. She looked at it for a while and decided to purchase it. The lady, who was running the garage sale, told her that it was a magic mirror. She took it home and put it on the inside of her closet door.
Her husband came home from work and she told him she bought a new mirror. They were getting ready for bed and she excused herself from the bed and told him that she would be right back. She went over to the closet door and stood in front of the mirror and said, "Mirror, mirror, on the door, make my breasts a 44". All of a sudden, kaboom...she's a 44.
She crawled into bed and her husband was just so amazed and pleased at what had happened that he asked how she did it. She told him that the mirror was actually a magic mirror. He laughed and asked where it was. Going over to the closet, he opens the door and stands in front of the mirror...naked. Smiling, he says: "Mirror, mirror, on the door, make my manhood touch the floor."
Then...his legs fell off.
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1 week ago ::
Nov 18, 2009 - 10:08PM
#4
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A man was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck. Only a
sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. After looking around,
he realized that they were stranded on a deserted island.
After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two
animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset.
One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful
cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for
romance.
As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to
the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around
it.
But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely
until the man took his arm from around the sheep.
After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets
together, but there was no more cuddling.
A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.
The only survivor was Nancy Pelosi.
That evening, the man brought Nancy to the evening beach ritual. It
was another beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and
gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the man
started to get 'those feelings' again.
He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and
leaned over to Nancy and told her he hadn't made love for
months. Nancy batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything
she could do for him.
He said, 'Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?'
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1 week ago ::
Nov 18, 2009 - 10:05PM
#5
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THE NEW HEALTH COVERAGE IN A NUTSHELL:
The phone rings and the lady of the house answers.
"Hello?"
"Mrs Sanders, please."
"Speaking."
"Mrs. Sanders, this is Dr Jones at St. Agnes Laboratory. When your
husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from
another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one
belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too
good."
"What do you mean?" Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.
"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the
other one tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which."
"That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Sanders.
"Normally we can, but the new health care system will only pay for these
expensive tests just one time."
''Well, what am I supposed to do now? "
"The folks at Obama health care recommend that you drop your husband off
somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep
with him."
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1 week ago ::
Nov 18, 2009 - 9:47PM
#6
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A couple had been married for 50 years.
They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says,
'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast
table
together.'
'I know,' the old man said. 'We were probably sitting here naked as a
jaybird fifty years ago..'
'Well,' Granny snickered. 'Let's relive some old times.'
Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied, 'My nipples
are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.'
'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps. 'One's in your coffee and the
other is in your oatmeal.'
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2 weeks ago ::
Nov 18, 2009 - 2:55PM
#7
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The Boston Red Sox...
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2 weeks ago ::
Nov 18, 2009 - 2:53PM
#8
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A farmer and his wife are discussing what they'd like for dinner and decided on having chicken. The farmer goes out to the chicken pen grabs one and shoots it with his pellet gun...the chicken didn't die. He shot it again...still didn't die. This went on for about 50 shots until the chicken finally died. He took it into his wife and told her the problem he had and that she should do an extra good job cleaning it out. The wife couldn't get all the pellets out but cooked it anyway and later she, her husband, two daughters and son enjoyed a fine meal. The next morning one of the daughters came running into the mother and said "Mommy, mommy, you'll never guess what happened...I was taking a crap and pellets came out." The mother said "Don't worry, they're from the chicken." A little while later the second daughter came running into the mother and said "Mommy, mommy, you'll never guess what happened...I was taking a crap and pellets came out." The mother said "Don't worry, they're from the chicken." Later still the son came running "Mommy, mommy, you'll never guess what happened." Mom said "I know, I know, you were taking a crap and pellets came out." Son said "No, I was jerking off and I shot the dog."
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2 weeks ago ::
Nov 18, 2009 - 1:47PM
#9
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Hoss wanted desperately to have sex with a hot girl at work, Sassy, but Sassy had a boyfriend. One day Hoss got so desperate that he went to Sassy and said I'll give you $100 if you let me have sex with you. Sassy looked at him, she was shocked, and said no! He said if I throw the money on the floor, you bend over, and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up. Sassy thought for a moment and said that she would have to talk to her boyfriend, Jimbo. So Sassy called Jimbo and explained the situation. Jimbo says, ask him for $200, pick it up really, really fast and he won't even be able to pull his pants down. She agreed and accepted the offer. 30 minutes pass and Jimbo is still waiting for Sassy's call. Finally, after 45 minutes Jimbo call and asks "What happened?", still breathing hard she managed to reply, the f*ck@r had all quarters!! 
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2 weeks ago ::
Nov 18, 2009 - 1:16PM
#10
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Awesome posts! lmao
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