WAYLAND, MASS.   Desperate to attract the younger viewers that are essential to landing a television contract, the United States Curling Association today announced it would recognize "Extreme Curling" as a bona fide variant of the game that most Americans watch only once every four years during the Winter Olympics.

"We need the critical 15-25 year-old slacker dude demographic if we're ever going to get on ESPN during the waking hours," noted USCA Commissioner Eldridge "Chub" Berry.  "Otherwise we'll be stuck forever in infomercial time slots where we're up against Sauna Belt and the Kitchen Magician."

Curling, a form of Arctic bocce, was invented in Scotland but is today dominated by Canadians.  Teams consist of four players: a "lead," a "second," a "third" or "vice-skip" and the "skip."  The game is relatively safe; most injuries involve scratches to the head that participants suffer when they bump into each other's quotation marks.

In normal curling, players push a 42-pound granite stone down an ice surface towards the "house," a circle with a diameter of 12 feet.  Two dorky sweepers use brooms to control the stone's momentum and direction.  The team that succeeds in placing its stone closest to the center of the "house" wins.

In Extreme Curling, players push the stone down a hill, hoping to hit real houses.  "It's much more exciting because it involves the possible loss of innocent lives," said TV sports industry analyst Monty Balsbaugh.  "It's like comparing NASCAR to heel-and-toe race walking."

Curling enthusiasts hope to get the extreme version of the game up and running in time to be designated a demonstration sport at the 2010 Winter Olympics in Vancouver.  Berry says the USCA has budgeted $100,000 to spend over the next four years on public relations, youth instructional leagues and International Olympic Committee bribes.

 Copyright 2005, Con Chapman