Celine Dion has emerged as a potential bidder for the Montreal Canadians.  Yahoo News

"Le zone trap de neutral!  Grab et clutch!  Maintenant!"

Dear Diary:

Today, my lifelong secrete has become, how you say, une knowledge de la publique--I want to own Les Canadiens du Montreal!

"Mais officer, it's just like Celine's!"

Pour une very long time I have dreamed of calling le shots for the team that has more nicknames than six, which is how many teams the NHL had to begin with in the first place!  Les Canadiens, Le Bleu-Blanc-et-Rouge, La Sainte-Flanelle, Le Tricolore, Les Glorieux, Nos Glorieux, Les Habitants and Le Grand Club.  Take that you big slobby Boston Bruins fans!

"Should I pull le goalie?  Ou non?"

All I need for my dream to come true is to outbid ten other potential suitors--just 10!  Do they not know I have my own theatre in Las Vegas in which many times ten people can be seated--at the same time!  Ha!

"You call that a kick save?  This is a kick save!"

It is only right and fair that I should own Les Canadiens.  They are the most successful sports franchise in history, I am the most successful singer and multi-talented, all-purpose entertainer in history.  I am including Sammy Davis, Jr., who was both black, Jewish and Willy Wonka.

Sammy Davis, Jr.

Okay--so maybe he tap dances better.  But he has not les pipes that I have.  And now I will have les pipes of the greatest hockey team ever to pull their goalie out from between them when they are down 4-3 with less than a minute to play!

 Entre les pipes

There are many benefits to my ownership of Les Canadiens.  We would save on national anthem singers, which can be quite costly.  You have to sing two--My Country Tis of Thee and O Canada--every game.  I can sing them both in my patented vocal Franglais which interviewers around the world take such joyeux in.

Right now, much of theez francs are going to little kids who do not have my vocal range.  Listen, you little enfants--you're cute, but you always merdre out at "the land of the free" part.

Second, we would bring une image nouveau to the Coolest Sport on Earth, which as you know is associated with bleu collar types now.  My trademark sheen of glamour will now grace the rinks and the dashers, from bleu line to bleu line. 

"Don't forget mon curling iron!"

Third, attendance will go up because I would bring my entourage to every game.  This melange consists of many sophisticated hair dressers, stylists, colorists, manicurists, pedicurists, eye-linerists, mascaramouches, bladda bladda.

I know zee boys will let me sit on the bench for a shift or two, no? Thees ees my fondest wish, to change on the fly with them, just as I do when I hold an audience spell-bound avec my lightning-fast costume changes during my latest review "Spreading Love to All Her Fans Around the World!"

So tonight, when I go to sleep in my 100% cotton Canadiens thermal pajamas (which come with both tops and bottoms!) if I snore, it is the log-sawing of happiness you will hear.

Goodnight, my little paper ami,

Celine