I have to admit the recent World Cup soccer games that turned ESPN into an exercise of watching paint dry certainly represented the best the sport has to offer. Nothing turns 90 minutes into a lifetime like a bunch of unpronounceable names kicking a ball back and forth for no better reason than at some point the law of averages will have it bounce willy-nilly into the net. Like a Mitch Miller Sing-Along ball gone out of control, it goes back and forth, a giant approximation of ping-pong slowed down to a crawl and played without a net. Occasionally one guy trips another, here it comes, a yellow card! Mon-Dieu! The crowd goes beserk. Which is apparently one of three settings for a soccer crowd: Beserk, singing, or rioting. Sometimes if you're really lucky one of the players will get a cramp and crumple to the ground. These guys make tennis players seem as tough as NHL hockey players. I'm sorry but this isn't sport it's evaporation. The only guy who can touch the ball with his hands is the goalie. Why? Because if the rest of the players could they might actually increase the number of times something actually happens. Which is a very bad thing in soccer. Imagine if you will sitting through an entire NBA Finals game where the winning score was Miami 2 Dallas 0. Not only that the most dynamic soccer player is about as exciting as the dullest left fielder in baseball. So what if he can dribble a ball with his feet from one end of the field to the other. Don't let me spoil the surprise but once he gets there, nothing happens. Zilch. Squat. What other sport even uses the score nil? So you can keep the World Flub in Europe where it can amuse and delight millions who think downhill skiing, the Tour De France and Wimbledon are sports. I'd rather watch every WNBA game played in a single season than ever watch another soccer game. I hate to point out the soccer emperor isn't wearing any clothes to you soccer fans but that's the truth. You'd have just as much fun watching a test pattern. As a matter of fact the test pattern is probably twice as interesting. I know one thing there's just as much scoring watching a test pattern as there is in soccer. Finally when you have matches like Brazil/Ghana it sounds to me like baba ganoush why not pick team names that say something about the countries like the Brazilian Piranha's versus the Ghana Warthogs at least we could buy cool Warthog jersey's to slosh our pints on...so fix the names, call us when you score at least 8-10 goals every game, learn to crosscheck, stop swapping shirts after every game and stop trying to con us into thinking this is a real sport every four years.