As a respected scribbler I push the envelope of participatory journalism. This past season I had an opportunity to get in the game so to speak and George Plimpton my way to NCAA college football glory. Unfortunately things didn't quite go as planned. Despite the weeks of preparation, planning and intense training on game day it all went to hell in a hand basket. Maybe I should start at the beginning.

When it was obvious I had neither the athletic nor the ability to be a ringer in the game, I focused on being something every bit as critical to the success of the team, I became the mascot. So I headed for the University of Oregon to don the only appropriate mascot suit available to this intrepid reporter, the mighty duck. A few crisp Franklin's and a case of tequila quickly smoothed any hurt feelings Ryan L, Class of '09 might have had when I proposed suiting up for the game. I donned the garb and waddled my way into the stadium.

The roar of the crowd would've been deafening but luckily the giant duck head made it bearable. I was hung over like a big ol' dog, I waved a couple of times and then started working the crowd. It didn't take long to realize you can get away with an awful lot as a mascot with the average beautiful college coed. The kids are another story constantly whining "Why does he smell like Uncle Don when he's face down on the floor at Thanksgiving?"

Anyways, a few nips from the old flask turned into doing tequila shooters in section 541 with Bonnie, Sharon, Cathy and Jill. The lasses were excited they were going to be background for my story. I even got some quotes:
"You're pre-med? Gosh you sound smart for a duck."
"I didn't realize duck's had one of those."
"Are you sure my student activity fee paid for you to do that?"
"OK but only if you leave the duck head on."

So afterwards I'm stumbling around the joint and this ass clown in a cat suit starts harshing my buzz. The whole time he's bugging me I'm just trying to light a cigar and I tell him to knock it off. But wouldn't you know it he grabs the cigar and stomps it out saying "Smoking is bad and it causes global warming!" then he sprints to the middle of the field and starts doing push-ups. So I go over and try to atomic pile drive him but he rolls out of the way. I finally corner his sorry ass and get him on the ground where I punched the eco-friendly snot out of him.

Then I got out of there before campus security figured out I wasn't a student or a mascot. The last thing I needed was them connecting the dots between me and the four drunk coeds in section 541. I shoved the mascot suit & head in a dumpster and joined the crowd for an exciting second half. I guess the videotape of the newscast says it all...I hope Ryan gets over being suspended...he seemed like a nice kid...