OK so I twittered and while it's nice to have an outlet for the voices in my head, at least it gives them something better to do than argue about what show to watch on TV, it seems, like all great computer apps, to be a horrific, worthless, self-centered, naval-gazing waste of time.  Well done Twitter...

# EdHardiman  You know who'd make a good NASCAR driver? Liza Minelli. I bet she'd win a lot because the other drivers would stay out of her way...half a minute ago from web
    
# EdHardiman  sometimes, not always, a nod is as good as a wink...3 minutes ago from web
   
# EdHardiman  Why don't they use "an" in front of the word "eulogy" like the they give an crap anyway they're dead...3 minutes ago from web
   
# EdHardiman  In jars of peanut butter and jelly mixed together why not attach a knife to the lid the lazy bastards who buy it would probably like that...6 minutes ago from web
   
# EdHardiman  The other day I heard someone say "I laughed out loud" that's the only way you can laugh, otherwise you are merely amused...8 minutes ago from web
   
# EdHardiman  will twitter spawn an avalanche of words with the prefix tw?  10 minutes ago from web
   
# EdHardiman  mollusks sound a lot meaner than they actually are...about 23 hours ago from web
   
# EdHardiman  If we sent cows to Congress could it be any worse?  about 23 hours ago from web
   
#EdHardiman  I came up with a slogan for Pottsville, Pennsylvania, "Hey We're Not Just Public Restrooms Anymore!" Pretty snappy, huh?  about 23 hours ago from web
   
# EdHardiman  I'd like to go to the shore but it always makes me dizzy, sucking my gut in every time a girl walks by, all day long...about 23 hours ago from web
   
# EdHardiman  OK I admit it, I made that last fact up, dogs are not imploding from the heat..they might be elsewhere but I have no clear evidence of it...about 23 hours ago from web
   
# EdHardiman  It's so hot in VA right now dogs are imploding from the heat...about 23 hours ago from web
   
# EdHardiman  easy come, easy go, easy come back again...about 23 hours ago from web
   
# EdHardiman  What is the square root of infinity?  about 23 hours ago from web
   
# EdHardiman  LeBron now has as much chance of winning the NBA title this year as I do...sweet.11:03 PM May 31st from web
   
#EdHardiman  Why ten fingers and ten toes? Why not twelve fingers and eight toes?10:39 PM May 31st from web
   
# EdHardiman  At what point past the speed of light do you lose your shadow?10:37 PM May 31st from web
   
# EdHardiman  I've decided to give up using the word "foible" I wasn't using it much anyway...10:36 PM May 31st from web
   
# EdHardiman  I taught my dog a rudimentary vocabulary of about 40-words now he just keeps bugging me for another beer...7:38 PM May 31st from web
   
# EdHardiman  If you let a smile be your umbrella, you'll end up with a wet face...6:28 PM May 31st from web

 # EdHardiman  When all is lost just remember nobody got out of the Alamo alive...6:27 PM May 31st from web
   
# EdHardiman  It's not that I'm smarter than most people, it's that most people are dumber than me, it's a subtle but important difference...6:26 PM May 31st from web
   
# EdHardiman  I once had a dream...I traded it for a '69 Gremlin and a broken pocketwatch...6:25 PM May 31st from web
   
# EdHardiman  Getting my cape refitted. it ain't easy being a superhero, especially since they deep-sixed all the phone booths...6:24 PM May 31st from web
   
#EdHardiman  No matter how long it takes to fill up a 2-liter bottle never give the gift of saliva at a wedding...6:22 PM May 31st from web
   
# EdHardiman  Back to the drawing board, cross the DNA from a poodle with a grizzly and you end up with a fluffy looking thing that rips your face off...6:21 PM May 31st from web
   
# EdHardiman  Here's my solution to illegal aliens, put up "Welcome to Canada" signs along the Mexican border that should stop them dead in their tracks3:14 AM May 31st from web
   
# EdHardiman  In a Sonny & Cher world even Sonny wants to be Cher...3:12 AM May 31st from web
   
# EdHardiman  Will Twitter be replaced by a service that limits tweets to 70 words? Essentially that's how microwave ovens killed toaster ovens...11:27 PM May 30th from web
   
# EdHardiman  Take your own advice before you give it to others11:26 PM May 30th from web
   
# EdHardiman  Folding toast is much easier than it looks11:11 PM May 30th from web 

FOXSports.com, Managing Editor Steve Miller and my buddy Kerouac Smith afforded me great opportunities and encouragement over the past two-years allowing me to scribble for the best damn sports site on the internet as a contributing writer and I hope to continue in that capacity and privilege for as long as they allow.  I hold them in the highest esteem.

They also opened another door for my scribble that I'd like to pass along to my all my friends who follow and applaud  this blog no matter how many times I drive it into the ditch...

Recently I landed another great opportunity, Glenn Beck's Fusion Magazine, where I'll be contributing non-sports related humor.  Glenn Beck is the FOX News Channel's latest addition to their weekly line up at 5pm with his highly rated Glenn Beck Show and hosts the 3rd highest-rated syndicated radio show in the nation that bears his name. 

My first article for Glenn Beck's Fusion Magazine is now available in their current June Issue, and I've also scribbled pieces for their combined July/August issue.  They are great folks and I'd like to take this opportunity to thank Glenn Beck's Fusion Magazine Managing Editor Liz Julis for giving me the opportunity.

I hope and encourage you to subscribe, it costs less than a carton of cigarettes, is nowhere near as carcinogenic and easily twice as funny...

Click here If you'd like to subscribe to Glenn Beck's Fusion Magazine

Click here to purchase single back issues a month after they're published

As always best fishes...

Ed

The views expressed in this blog are not reflective of Glenn Beck, Fusion Magazine or Liz Julis for that matter.  Nor are they endorsed by the aforementioned entities in any way, shape, manner or form. 

They are expressed for the sole purpose of informing readers of where they can find me outside of the FOXSports-O-Sphere and are entirely mine.  No animals were harmed in the making of this blog.

Jeremy Mayfield says Claritin D tablets are responsible for his NASCAR suspension which isn't all that surprising considering the list of substances now banned by NASCAR.  A list leaked to the press yesterday shows NASCAR's serious about keeping the taint of performance enhancing drugs out of the sport. 

Charles "My Other Car is a Polo Horse" Belgium, NASCAR spokesperson, had this to say,

"While we welcome any sponsor to paint our cars like a $3-hooker we draw the line at our drivers actually going anywhere near our sponsors products, after all, does anybody really believe we'd let a driver who just chugged a bottle of 5-Hour Energy near the track on race day?" 

Here's a list of surprising products recently added to the NASCAR banned substance list.

Ex-Lax 
The drivers are already seated in the upright position suggested on the bottle's label for maximum effectiveness and getting out of the window of the car and the flame retardant jumpsuit might just be a zipper too far.

Milk
2%, Low-Fat, Skim, Organic, BHT, what the hell is it?  We aren't sure anymore but we do know it doesn't come that way straight from the cow.  If the milk industry continues to differentiate itself to the point of udder stupidity, include NASCAR out.  What's the other 98% in 2% milk?  Whatever it is we're banning it in NASCAR.

Viagra
Pretty much a no-brainer here, we want the both hands on the wheel for the entire five-hours of a race.  Besides, how many times do we have to explain to Viagra that while a race run in a long straight line would better fit their marketing profile, the round track is definitely here to stay?

Rogaine
Anything that grows armpit hair on your head can't be good for the sport.  Additionally all that extra wispy hair acts like a spoiler and changes the COT's downdraft.  Current testing includes counting the number of fans who point at your head and snicker.

Baked Beans
It turns out all those drivers catching on fire after a crash with that flame you couldn't see wasn't from the fuel but driver generated fumes from the baked bean breakfast buffet.  Besides, current state regulations prohibit fans from taking dogs inside the speedway so naturally we can't blame Fido for the stench wafting from the track during the race.

Wrigley's Spearmint Gum
Double your pleasure, double your fun makes no sense at all when you're already whizzing around a track at 200mph.  If that ain't fun enough you should consider a career as a human cannonball.  Besides Wrigley's a gateway gum.  Next thing you know we'd have Double Bubble race related fatalities.

Finally, we admit this particular video may have misled certain drivers this season, we apologize for the inconvenience and suspensions that might result from any misunderstanding that NASCAR thinks anything it advertises is in any way, shape or form appropriate to ingest, apply or use.

In baseball, as in life and death, death obviously being the least cherished part of life ... hope and faith are critical to success, as well as having a guaranteed high-paying job at your father's car dealership when you graduate like I did.  Take advantage of these difficult times because if you have hope and faith and that plush job, the plush job is a key part to this, if you are smart and tenacious and dedicated and willing to sacrifice, like eating college cafeteria food twice in four years,  you can make a difference and make this a better world. If not for those around you, a better world for yourself at the expense of others.  And don't be afraid of failure.  Failure has gotten me to where I am today, wearing a silly robe, hat with a tassel and acting like I have a clue.

Why baseball?  I say why not baseball?  It provides a window to escape from the tedium and difficulty of ordinary life, and by ordinary I refer to you, not me, because I have led an extraordinary life, without any advantage other than a guaranteed life of privilege and ease, I still managed to make a success of myself despite the complete lack of obstacles before me.  But back to baseball.  It gives teensy-weensy, little people like you, hope and faith, an opportunity to live vicariously, and thanks to steroids, intravenously through the boys of summer."

Never in my wildest dreams did I think I would become baseball commissioner, unless of course being the greediest owner in baseball, no mean feat I might add given the rapacious pack of wolves the Lards of Baseball are, gave me a leg up on more qualified applicants who didn't squeeze every last nickel out of Milwaukee fans like I did with a large dollop of glee every dead-last place season I inflicted on them.  I dared to live my dream, and you might ask what a dream is, and I understand, dreams are what rich people have instead of the hum-drum despair of the middle-class.  As a student here I had no idea how I was going to make that happen or frankly what a baseball life was, all I had was an allowance, a nice car, and a trust fund.  Let me tell you, that's no walk in the ballpark.

I recall the campus library where I read every paper I could for free.  I miss that every time I have to subscribe.  I'd read the box scores and think, look at that attendance, gee-whiz,  if only they played in stadiums paid for by taxpayers and paid five-times as much for an obstructed view seat while corporations wrote off the expense of stadium suites, high above, in the clean, cool, crisp, summer breeze, the common folk ne'er will breathe.

I grew up in, well, not in, but near Milwaukee in a mansion where I made my servants idolize Joltin' Joe DiMaggio, I'd say look there's proof positive the son of a fisherman can still make a difference two-thousand years later, only this time we can make money off him.  I wanted to play too but there were several realities I had to admit to myself leading perhaps to the only bitter moment I ever had in life, it stung like too much chlorine in the water polo pool, but like chlorine didn't do any lasting damage.

You see, I couldn't hit a curve ball and I still can't, plus the American League wasn't willing to change the rules so I could wear the Yankees pinstripes and then hire someone to play the field and bat for me while I soaked in the adulation of delegating a job well done.  But that didn't diminish my love for the game or end my dream for a baseball life.  Instead I wormed my way into baseball like that fish on the Discovery Channel that eats the other fishes from the inside out, I have my lawyers researching whether or not I have a case against that fish for stealing my idea and not paying me a royalty.

Whether or not I win that case, I was very fortunate to fulfill the dream of my lifetime, the game is awash in steroids, attendance is falling like the Dow and I am thoroughly reviled in 12-States I didn't even know existed.  God bless the MLB, and I hope each of you leaves here today a better person for having seen me, and if someday I choose to blow my nose on your sleeve, you'll treasure the moment and tell your grandchildren, four years of college got me a job at McDonalds but my sleeve, this sleeve, touched the nostril of greatness.

Calvin Borel smoked the Kentucky Derby field on  a 50-1 cigar, Mine That Bird, then did what any sane red-blooded American man would do after going all the way on a first date.   He dumped a sure thing in favor of a prettier cocktail waitress, Rachel Alexandra, becoming the first future dog food jockey in over a century to dump his Derby date for a prettier nag in the upcoming Preakness.

I don't have a problem with it at all, I love any sport that tosses anorexic midgets up on giant nervous horses and rockets them around a dirt track wearing lawn ornament clothes while rich people wearing funny hats drink themselves insensible on foo-foo drinks like mint juleps. 

But Borel isn't the first guy to pull a stunt like that, no matter what you read, take a look at some other guys who did the exact same thing and good, bad, or ugly, never admitted they were dumber than a tree stump to have ever even thought it; let alone acted on it.

Paul McCartney leaves the Beatles, a thoroughbred's thoroughbred of a band if ever there was one, for Wings and quite frankly if he hadn't done so the world would have never heard Silly Little Love Songs.  Nevertheless even a drooling idiot can do the math and come up with the correct answer, Beatles great, Wings suck.  The ultimate humiliation comes when Ringo Starr scores more post-Beatles top ten Billboard hits than Wings.

Derek "Turk" Sanderson, NHL pretty boy and great penalty killing center for the Bruins, wins two Stanley Cups for Beantown in 1970 & '72 and then leaves Bobby Orr and Boston behind for $2.6-million dollars to skate for the World Hockey League's Philadelphia Blazers.  Bear in mind Philly is where a fan wrapped a rubber chicken around Sanderson's neck and started a riot featuring the Bruins, sticks swinging, rushing into  the stands to save der Turk.  Sanderson went over like a lead balloon in Philly and his cup of coffee stint in the WHA lasted all of one season.

McLean Stevenson, aka Colonel Blake, leaves the hit TV series M*A*S*H during the third season to star in Hello Larry which viewers said goodbye to faster than Ex-Lax through a goose.  M*A*S*H lasted another eight seasons without Stevenson ending with the highest rated episode in TV history.  In a stunning case of dumb and dumber Gary Burghoff, aka Radar O'Reilly, pulls a McLean Stevenson in the 7th season, inflicting four-seasons of the cross-dressing Corporal Max Klinger on an unsuspecting public.

Mike Ditka trades all the Saints' 1999 draft picks and a 1st and 3rd round pick in 2000 for RB Ricky Williams.  Ditka was outsourced after the 1999 season.  $8-million dollars couldn't get Ricky to abandon his dream of smoking his way out of the NFL.  In 2004 after testing positive for marijuana Williams retired, despite repeated reinstatements Williams could never get the bong away from his face long enough to stick in the NFL.

So if Borel finishes dead last or loses by a whisker to Mine That Bird I won't be surprised, I have two words for him, Art Garfunkel...