Sabermetrics, is the Scientology of baseball.  It all started in a tiny, airless, room, where the guy who got picked last in Little League, perfected his revenge.  This handy guide will help clear up the wildest misconceptions spread by this extremely annoying and exceedingly irrelevant cult.

Definition.
Sabermetrics is also known as, long winded pointless dissertation, insufferable boors with calculators, or guys with pocket protectors.   If you're like me, you don't need to know the equation for cracking oil to figure out you got a batch of bad gas in your car.  Or live near the Devil Rays or Royals, to realize beauty might be skin deep but bad goes all the way through.

Humor.
Sabermites believe they have a sense of humor.  Sadly, it can only be expressed mathmatically.

Reality.
Using pseudo-algebraic conclusions to describe the infinite intangibles of great baseball is like using cement to describe Mozart.  Abstract baseball minutia stacked like pancakes doesn't get around the real consistent opinion voiced by those who watch baseball daily and this churns the guts of Sabermites.

Initialize.
Acronyms sow maximum confusion.  Sabermites concoct bewildering thickets of initials around feeble wild ass guessing.  EqA's are as likely to stick a homemade shank in VORP's as they are to end up drunk at Bill James annual Christmas party where King Herod's win shares always make trading for the baby Jesus look silly.

Equate.
Never allow anyone near the prime equation of sabermetrics, A+B=Shut the Hell Up.  This is sports for math club members. 

Gross Tonnage.
The complicated formula for "Hey that guy just bunted the runner to second..." would fill this entire page.  SABER stat-bot hysteria amply illustrates the "Star Trek Factor," now that Kirk's too fat to worship, Sabermites invented an arcane statistical abstract to replace dialectic Klingon arguments that made their life worth living... 

Strength of Nattering (SON).
Sabermite's tirelessly redefine everything in SABER-speak, until, the non-SABER person drops from exhaustion or retreats to a sport like ice curling.

Value.
According to SABER dogma, a single just isn't worth a double.  Take that Ty Cobb, you suck because 75% of your hits aren't all that and a bag of SABER chips. 

Slide Rule
Its not, never slide head first, its never attend a game of baseball without a slide rule, so you'll have something to look at.

Worship the Stat Gods
Barry Bonds is a perfect example, the thought of losing all those succulent steroid drenched numbers sends the average Sabermite into a slobbery, mad dog, frenzy.  They would rather chew off the non-math lobe of their brain than let go, or admit, that Barry might indeed be full of nincompoop.

What Can You Do?
I know the answer to every problem is "sing a song" but if organizing a world wide series of concerts is beyond your grasp, try these simple SABER killing phrases:

"Not everything that counts can be counted, and not everything that can be counted counts."
Albert Einstein

"The last time I checked baseball is best played on a field and not on a calculator."

"People who count don't."