I saw the best baseball players of my generation destroyed by
steroids, puffy, historically naked,
dragging themselves through Cooperstown at dawn
looking for an angry fix,
juiced hipsters burning for the ancient heavenly
connection to the starry diamond in the Hall,
who injected and tattered hallowed records, hollow-eyed and high,
smoking in the supernatural darkness of
careers fallen flat and best forgotten...*

*with apologies to Allen Ginsberg

Zorn’s record, 12-20 over two seasons, may have cost the plucky optimist his job, Jimbo Zorn remained upbeat after harking up 18 of his last 24 games, managing to lose most of them in the final seconds while contorting his face like a sad puppy.  

While it’s apparent Zorn’s days as a head coach this season mirrored Final Destination 3, Zorn himself remained upbeat as we headed to Redskins Park Monday morning for what Zorn called the first day of the rest of his Redskins Head Coach life.

“I believe we really turned this thing around last night after the game, Sherm and I put our heads together and drew a few plays up on a napkin that should turn the franchise around.”

“Which Sherm?”

“Does it matter?”

“Aren’t there many more problems than a napkin fix?”

“It’s the old story is the glass of water half full or is the glass of water faking a field goal for the second time in the same game?”

“Most people said that was the stupidest thing they’ve ever seen during an NFL game.”

“You have to remember how complicated our play calling scheme is, frankly I don’t understand it myself.  As I understand it, Sherm Lewis decides whether we run or pass and then relays the call to Sherm Smith -- who then calls the play based on what Lewis selects -- before Smith sends the call in to Campbell by running back.”

“Sounds like whisper down the alley.”

“I’ll say, one time Lewis said pass, so Smith called a Fullback Dive, Campbell called for a Bunny Rape Right on Three.”

“Is that a play?”

“Let’s just say it’s a good thing there were no bunnies hippity-hopping on the field.”

“Yet you still don’t think you’re getting fired this morning?”

 Again, I'm still reeling from this loss, anything that I say about what my future might be here would just be just babbling along here. So I'm just gonna be forthright and ask and kind of get things moving, but I certainly want to be the head coach here.

“You just notched the worst season in recent if not all of Redskins history.”

 It's the way it is. It's the nature of the NFL. And that's what makes it so exciting, it really is. It's very compelling.

“What about guys like Albert Haynesworth who came in here with a bloated contract only outsized by his prodigious gut?  That fat sack of useless catcrap was gassed halfway through the pre-season.”

"I want to thank all our players publicly, even in this last effort, because they do fight hard, they did play hard today, except Albert who was home playing video games and complaining about his nacho platter.”

“This last game had to hurt.”

“There was nothing that kept us from losing that football game except ourselves, and that's the most disappointing thing, even though the effort is there.”

“You did lose, well played.  The media is saying you’re finished and likely whacked by mid-morning.”

"Really? I had no indication of that, and I would not even comment on that. There's a lot of things I'm sure out there as far as stories, there already has been, I get that, but I'm working on our team meeting, I'm working on our offseason schedule. And until I'm told, I'm getting ready."

“What exactly is on your to do list.”

“A Redskins tattoo is my number one off-season priority.  Oh what the heck I couldn’t wait, I got it done last week.”  (Note--Zorn unbuttons his shirt to show the Redskins logo emblazoned across his chest and stomach).

“Wow”

“You said it, wait’ll the players see this at the mini-camp.  I’ll bet this gets a hip-hip-hooray.”

“Wow”

“I know, it hurt like a son of a gun and I passed out while they were doing it but I just have this gut feeling, call it a hunch, good things are in store for me and the Redskins in 2010.”

While waiting at a traffic Light Zorn tuned the radio to a DC All Sports talk channel:

"...No one in the organization is satisfied with our record over the last two years, and I am sure that Jim would concur with that statement. It has been painful for him too. I certainly accept responsibility for mistakes that I have made. I am hopeful that our fans will accept my commitment and pledge to deliver a franchise that can compete in the NFC East every season.  Finally, I am mindful that this is a tough day for Jim and his family, and I do want to wish him success in his next endeavor.”

“Wow.”

“You said it, poor dumb bastard.”

“What?”

“Whoever it was Danny was firing there.”

“He was talking about you.”

“No way.”

“Way.”

“He didn’t even say my last name.  So it could be any Jim working for the team and we got lots of Jims.  I’m not going to over react and make every Danny Snyder press conference about me.”

“Could you drop me off at the next bus stop?”

“Sure.  But we’re almost there.”

“Coach it’s pretty obvious you’re all the way there and then some.”

“Thanks, see you at the Park.”

"Not likely."

Sports like many other things is being reduced to Twitter like coverage.  ESPN’s ratings have dropped farther and faster than the Tiger Woods High School Chastity Pledge Program.  

140-words is now the max for any peepers cruising iPhones and websites....

Texas Tech fires Leach as head football coach:
Repeat after me--you cannot store players in the trunk of the mascot’s car if they’re still moving.

Ochocinco mocks Jets CB, plans TD act | Jet WR guarantees win:
The Jets and the Bengals getting all puffy before a game is like watching two sissies do stretching exercises before a slap fight at recess.

Colts owner: Sitting players was 'courageous':
Making them take a nap after orange drink and cookies was flat out Medal of Honor.

Report: Tiger had 'fat lip' days after accident:
Admit it Tiger she sneaked you otherwise you’re further proof golf is a game played by guys who can’t beat a girl in a fair fight.

Pacquiao suing Mayweathers for defamation:
If the lawsuit hinges on Pacquiao spelling the word defamation, Mayweathers has nothing to worry about.

Bowling Green WR sets catch record:
The minute I see the word Bowling it’s lights out for this story what’s on public television?

Report: Panthers give Fox option to coach in 2010:
The unspoken part of the story is he’ll be coaching in the new Japanese professional football league, I hear Osaka is beautiful in the Fall.

Zorn done? 'Skins interviewed DB coach:
I just want to know how Zorn parts his hair with that fork sticking out of his head?  Worst kept sports secret since Tiger Woods mistress.

Source: Mets reach big $$$ deal with Bay:
Welcome to the sucking chest wound of the NL East Jason.  Think Pirates with a much bigger payroll.

Capps takes 1-year, $3.5M deal to be Nats' closer:
Don’t you have to be ahead in a baseball game to even use a closer?

T-Mac on leave; Rockets admit trying to trade him:
It’s not you T-Mac, it’s me, really, it’s me.  Getting George Costanza’d is never easy.

Artest: Memory was a little fuzzy after concussion:
Hey Ron just Google “Artest” and you can read all about the things you’re better off forgetting.