"Dusty I am reaching the end of my rope here. The dog pound just called and Scruffy was picked up again. Why do you keep doing this?"

Doing what?

"Lettting her out to go potty and forgetting she's out. She's in the North Hollywood pound this time. That's fifteen miles from here. She's gonna get killed one of these times Dusty"

Well Ok it's true I did let her out in the back yard this morning and I did forget her but I heard her around noon chasing Lobo around the yard. I wonder how she got out?"

"Nique is picking her up and bringing her home but this has to stop Dusty. Will you please turn off the game and go see where she's getting out?"

Sure sweetie, can I wait until half time? It's only 11 more minutes.

"That's an hour in basketball time Dusssssttttyyyy?"

Hey Howard got a minute? Got a little problem I wanted to ask you about.

"Sure Dusty, what's up?"

You been out working in your yard all day?

"Off and on"

Well the wife just slam dunked me because I let the dog out this morning and about noon I heard her chasing the pony around the yard and I got to watching the games I taped and forgot about her and she gets picked in North Hollywood and taken to the pound so Carmen asks me if I' d check to see how the she's getting out and so here I am and the gate is wide open and the pony is gone too. Carmen's gonna freak. You didn't see no kids hanging out did you?

"uh nooooo, I think there's any Kids on the street for the holidays, not that's I've seen. Let me call Abdul down at the end of the street and see if he's seen anything..............................

"Sorry Dusty, he's not picking up. Why don't we split up the canyon and go driving looking for the Pony. And we can file a missing pony report while we do it"

"Dusty?"

Yeah Carmen

"Where are you?"

Down the road a bit talking to a neighbor.

"You wouldn't be looking for Lobo by any chance would you?"

Well I guess you might say I was wondering where he got off to I guess.

"Are you aware you been gone for almost two hours and there has been a police man here wanting to take a missing pony report?"

I didn't want to worry you honey. He's somewhere around. I called the pound and he's not with Scruffy but I'm telling you Carmen that dog is a bad influence on Lobo. That dog is a born runner.  She's like a hobo riding trains.

"Dusty stop it right now. While I was standing there talking to the officer Lobo came walking up the street, went right to the back gate, opened the handle with his mouth and walked in while we stood there and watched him. Do you suppose we might want to put a lock on that gate?"

So what you're saying is Lobo is a bad influence on Scruffy? I would have never guessed that.

"What time are you coming home?"

Well it's 4:30 now and the Laker Knicks game starts at 8:00 p.m. in the east so I'm on my way if I want to catch the tipoff. Want me to pick up some Quick Chinese at Tony's? Hello? Carmen? Are you still there? Damn animals. Helllloooooooooooooooo????

Hey Howard? It's me. The Pony just came home and let himself back in the gate like he knew what he was doing. That's the damndest thing, I wonder where he learned that? Dog probably taught it to him. I should have known they was up to something when they got all quiet.  Anyhow, Carmen's steamed so we probably gonna have to watch the games tonight at your house. Why? What did you do now? ........ I told you that viagra was gonna get you in trouble. You been eating that stuff like M & M's. Well Maybe Abdul got home and will lets us come over........That's what I like about you Howard....always thinking ahead....so he's cool? Let me swing by Tony's and grab some Chinese and I'll see how hot Carmen is after we eat so I'll probably miss the first quarter at least. Make sure Abdul tapes it ok? Ok buddy. See ya there.

You know it's actually pretty pathetic when you get right down to it. Now a more shallow person than myself might say "welcome to the bandwagon" but I have been a Laker fan for more than 30 years. And I for one, am even more sick and tired of you Laker Bandwagon fans like "Hoffman" writing blogs "Lakeshow2"and such crap. He spent the entire offseason talking about how the Clippers owned Los Angeles and how Kobe was a selfish ball hog and such utter nonsense and now here he is claiming the Lakers were his favorite team and Kobe his favorite player ALL ALONG, than I am the Laker haters.

A bandwagon fan is a parasite. Someone never willing to take his lumps in the tough times right along with the good times. Someone who is always hedging his bets.  My personal stalker Xrooster now claims that Kobe is "looking good" after more than two years of never ending Kobe hating. It's one thing to be a hater and claim a team is better off without a player and to simply say you're not a fan and say why. But to take a big weiner of a player and stick it right in your mouth and suck like you're on the world's biggest pacifier in your mouth on someone you have spent two years designating Kobe as not only not one of the leagues best players, but in fact , the leagues worst cancer like Xrooster did? Beyond immature. Beyond pathetic. Parasite.

So just how do you tell a bandwagon parasite? When they won't apologize directly to you, the Laker fan for saying the Lakers would suck this year, when they won't aplogize to you directly for saying that the Lakers had NO chance of making the playoffs this year and would never again with Kobe? You got yourself a parasite bandwagon fan.

Personally us Laker fans who are there for the duration can do without you. But then most any healthy mind can do without a parasite.

Today I am announcing a number of what we believe are necessary rule changes to the National basket ball association. Before I make this announcement let me say that the reason for these changes are because our Job as Commissioner and league officals is to try and ensure that the players can provide those who support them, the fans, with the best possible game in the world. We invented the game and we will not rest until the fans are happy with our game that we play. Having said all this here are the changes in the rules.

-There is an old saying that "records are made to be broken." As true as this is, it also behooves us to provide  as closely as possible a fair comparasion of today's stars with those whose records they are chasing. With this in mind the zone defense is hereby eliminated.

No player may be double teamed wthout the ball.

Hand checking will be allowed as long as the defender does not use more than one bend at the elbow to hand check.

There will be no further "and one" foul shooting. If the shooting player makes his shot the foul is waved off and play continues. If he does not because of a foul the resulting two shot foul shots will take place. This will allow for fewer stoppages of play and result in a stronger flow of the game.

The flagrant foul 1 and flagrant foul 2  is eliminated and will be replaced by a single flagrant foul being defined as being any foul which takes place with the fouling player acting in a manner which clearly is not playing the ball and intentionally commiting a foul which in addition to stopping the shot being made also clearly shows no responsiblity in manner which could result in the injury of a shooting player.  A single flagrant foul will result in the ejection of the offending player for the ensuing 48 minutes of play over the time required to complete this game and the enusing next game scheduled.

For those of you keeping score at home, you may recall that I met my second wife while she and her best friend Buffy were working for me in my music store on Sunset.  They were quasi actresses, doing as thousands do in L.A.. Rushing back and forth to audtions, working everything from the Gran Prix as Budweiser girls to Standing around cars at the Convention center. They also alledgedly worked for me. Always late,  they generally had a hard time getting to work early enough so they could leave for lunch on time. They pretty much expected to be paid for standing in front of the mirror in the bathroom. I fired them. Which would of course explain how it was that Carmen and I ended up getting married.

I'll just skip over the details except to say on the surface they were eye candy bimbos. It turned out that Carmen was quite a lot smarter than she lets on to people that are willing to buy her act. She does understand how the system works. Buffy on the other hand is a predator. She's dumber than a shark but more dangerous. That's not to say that she's a slut sleeping around to get free dinners and trips to Vegas and Laker games and such. You ever seen a woman who is just flat out sexy, good looking,doesn't even work at it, has a new boyfriend about 6 times a year and is just operating on AUTOMATIC PILOT? That's our girl Buffy.

She and Carmen were inserepable for about 5 years before Carmen and I married and Carmen was the ringleader. So when we married I sorta got Buffy as the "wife's best friend" who is gonna do things like dump charcoal into your gas grill and light it. But she does look good in those short shorts, know what I mean? She got the nickname because she looks like Sarah Michelle-Ghellar only way better.

But after nearly 4 years of watching her run in and out and being a little older than both Carmen and Buffy you tire of the nonsense of a true airhead.  Buffy is blonde of course and NEVER SHUTS UP.  She can get a Pepsi commercial and it's "Carmen you have to go with me. I have to start hunting for houses. Do you think Brentwood or The Hills"?. And she believes it and she's never daunted when it doesn't happen.

 Buffy is, I think, 30 now. Looks 25, lies about her age.

So what is this rant about? It's a guy thing. Disaster has struck in my life yet once again. Last night, my 22 year old son stopped by the house to borrow some cash,  (yep you remember my son? The millionaire baseball player?) because they were on their way to the Airport to hop over to Vegas for a night of goofing off.  Wonderful. You kids have a good time, Win lots of money. EXCUSE ME? Oh God I don't believe this. How can this be?

Dante took Buffy to Vegas last night. This is the end of a dream. I have a better chance of winning the lottery now ya know? I mean I knew in the back of my mind Carmen and Buffy and I was never going to have a 3some but when there is always the possibility the mind will hold out. But she went to Vegas with my son. The dream is over. Long live the dream.

Month or two before last Christmas, my oldest daughter Dez, my youngest daughter Nique, My ex Wife, Cruella Deville and my current wife Carmen called a meeting. Right off I knew I had about the same chance as the guys at the Alamo against Apache helicopters but since the meeting took place on the couch in my den where I was watching the Lakers at the time, I was unable to tunnel out and run for the border. Not that Cruella was there you understand. They had video conferencing which escapes me why it was that I was off camera and the Cru wasn't.  Divorced nearly 10 years that woman is going to be on big screen at my funeral reading a 2 hr list of my faults to anyone dumb enough to show up.

Anyhow I kept an ear on the whole opening speakers and glanced once in a while at the slide show and waited for the main topic to come up.....then it came....

WHAT?  ARE YOU PEOPLE INSANE????  NO!!!!  ABSOUTELY NOT!!!!  NOT ONLY AM I OUT I AM HAVING NOTHING TO DO WITH THIS. THAT'S STUPIDEST THING I EVER HEARD.  I AM PUTTING MY FOOT DOWN!!!!  YOU'RE ALL LUNATICS!!!  GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!!!!  AND GET OFF MY SCREEN CRUELLA???? DAMMIT THIS WAS YOUR IDEA WASN'T IT???? NO!!!!

Tell me whose right? We live in Los Angeles. You may have heard of it? 10 million people per square inch? Hollyweird? Drive by shootings? Gangs.  The LAPD,  Paris Hilton for God's sake? We're not exactly rolling pasture Amish country ya know?

So you tell me. Their idea was for everyone to chip in and buy Dez's kid Keke a pony for Christmas. A frigging pony. Couldn't come up with a stinking puppy could they? Oh noooooooo. Forget a cat or a bird or even a damn iguana. A Pony. And they had one picked out. Oh really? And this is a meeting to discuss it? I've seen more open minded lynch mobs.

For hours I fought. I sent for reinforcements from Colonel Fanin. Never came. For Days I fought, trying to keep the flag flying above the fort. I was wounded and drew a line in the sand with my sword and said anyone with me step over the line. And they all grew roots.

"But the Pony only costs 600.00...and he's so cute, half shetland, half welsh. And he can live at the Griffith park stables."

Yeah and he's had 186 owners and he's only 8 days old (well ok five years old)....do you people know what it costs to feed and stable a pony in Los Angeles? Has anyone actually rode the pony? Do any  of you know how to saddle a pony? Keke can't do it. Kids feed their goldfish the day they get it and then let it starve to death. Let's buy one of them horses outside the grocery store you put a quarter in, stick out back on the side of the garage and when she comes over, give her a roll of quarters. We're 10,000 ahead in a month. You people are retards. Like buying a NASCAR  car and cruising Forest Lawn.

Immediately there was a problem. Lobo the pony (as he would change his name to from his legal name at this time of Patches formerly known as Buttons formerly known as Rex the Wonder horse, Formerly known as Travelin' Sam"... you see where I'm heading with this?  I made the very legitimate arguement than any pony with that many aliases was probably wanted for crimes in 32 states and at the very least being hunted by interpol as an art thief)

But they ignored me. Calledl me negative, Said I was an old grouch. Scrooge.  And then the supreme insul. "Why do you care? You won't have anything to do with the pony. You just watch basketball and sit at the computer all the time"

Lobo had to move from his current home in Chatsworth in the valley cause they were building condos on his stable. Apparntly he was given a 5 day Marshal notice to vacate or they'd throw his belongings in the street. Which bothered the women not all since none of us live in the valley. We all live closer to the Griffith Park stables. Whch for some strange reason, wouldn't  have a stall available until January 20th. Well well well....what are you gonna do now Ladies? Take Keke to meet Lobo homeless sleeping under a bridge with a bottle of cheap wine? Let's see you say I didn't tell you so.

Christmas eve up the canyon drives a horse trailer , out gets a spotted pony, walks right into my fenced back/side yard and sets up shop. Wasn't 10 minutes before he went to work fertilizing the yard, walked on my mexican tiles on the patio, slobbered drinking out my hot tub, ate half the flowers and bit  me. Before lunch.,

Then bit  me again and kicked me while trying to saddle him so granddaughter could walk out back when she was delivered to her SUPRISE!!!! MERRY  CHRISTMAS!!!!!!

Long story short, after it was determined that Keke had far too sensitive a nose and I was being a jerk for expecting her to help me shovel up the pony crap and since the women were all....well hell I don't even remember all the excuses...I spend a couple of weeks walking up and down the road leading a pony that would bite me if I wasn't  watching him like the paparrazi on Britney.  Seems to like the kid. Seems to like  Carmen, Indifferent to the girls. Bit Cruella the one time she went to the stables to see Keke ride. Doesn't make him all bad. I sorta started liking the little fellow after that.

For a minute. They told us today that Lobo has to be out by the first of January cause the people that hold the actual lease on his stall are bringing in another horse. Excuse me? Ladies? You frigging SUB LET a stall for 250.00 a month? NO!!!  Absolutely NOT!!!  NO!!!  I DON'T CARE IF I'M RETIRED.   I DON'T CARE IF IT'S ONLY A MONTH OR TWO UNTIL ANOTHER STALL OPENS UP!!!  YOU CAN KISS MY BUTT!!!!!   YOU'RE ALL A BUNCH OF MORONS!!

"Keke?"

"uh huh"

"See this shovel right here? This is your shovel. It's just your size. Lobo is your horse."

"Granpa can I come live with you and Carmen and Lobo and Scruffy?"

"How much money you got?"

"I  got...um.....ummmmm....how much is this grandpa?"

"Who gave you 20.00? You're 4 years old"

"Carmen did.  i forgot i was posed to give to you cause you babysit lobo when he moves over here again,....can I keep it grandpa?"

"That's what she said huh? You need to get a job is what you need to do. See that? That's the dog's mess. Shovel it up and put it in the can. You need to practice "

"EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW"