A few days back I made mention of the fact that my son, our youngest child, plays baseball in the minor leagues. Which in some circles makes him more than his father was because even after you trim the fat, take your thumb off the scales and give up the senior citizen discount, despite being a Triple A 22 year old with no power and slower than a Sumo wrestler in the Olympic 100 meter dash, he's a professional athlete.

Which impresses the hell out of me and his mother (you may recall his mother. My first wife from 1980-1997 and the woman who honestly belives that I should pay her about the same amount as the national debt anytime she runs short despite our being divorced nearly a decade ago.)

I only bring this up because my son the ballplayer is his mothers son. Not that she could ever hit for average much less wait on a curveball, but he's her son in the sense that he wouldn't have a dime on Saturday  if he was to inheriet Bill Gates money today. 

He dropped by yesterday.Didn't call, didn't email, never does. I might go a month without hearing from him, might go two months. One of these years if I can figure out a way for him to somehow not get wind of me finding a quarter on the driveway and him hustling right  over, I might go three.

(door slam) ANYBODY HOME?............................................

Hey pops. Sup? Didn't you hear me yelling if anybody was home?

"They heard you yelling in Sitka Alaska"

So how ya been?

"Not too good. Had a heart attack, two strokes, caught the clap, got AIDS and doctor says if the chemo don't cure my prostrate they're gonna have to cut off my balls".

For real? You're gonna be OK tho right? I mean, I got your back pops. You need anything, anything at all don't trip. Does Mom know?

"Not unless my alzheimers kicked in and I forgot i tied a message to a pigeon and sent it  to her. I haven't talked to your mother in twice as long as it's been since you needed money. Hell, ten times as long.

"I haven't asked you to loan me money since last year."

"True, usually you don't even bother to promise to pay it back. What's the crisis?"

Damn Pops, why u gotta be hating like that? Everytime I come over you start hatin like you're not even happy to see me. Bet you don't talk like this to Dez and Nique.

"If you can look me right in the eye and tell me money isn't involved in you making that horrendous drive of 30 miles over here, I'll have sex with a monkey in Times Square and give you a month to draw a crowd. Grab yourself a beer out of the fridge and sit your ass down. And for your information your sisters don't break the eardrums of every living thing when they drive up blaring that rapcrap . Probably not a bird left in the entire county that's not deaf.

You' d have sex with a Monkey in Times Square just to piss people off.  Can't  drink. Got practice in an hour

"Practice with who?"

Bout 15 of us are playing over at Wakefield diamond. Mostly Angel and Dodger spring roster guys. Couple of dudes from the Padres. I'm out there under the lights every night and go to the cages for at least an hour after. It's a whole new thing playing on a dirt infield diamond and......................

"What? They're trying to make you into an infielder? "

Nah, the ball tracks different off the bat over all dirt. You ever heard of dirt infields?

""Of course not, I grew up playing Little League at Dodger Stadium. Back then there were only two little league teams in the whole country  and one of us would go to the Little League World Series every year  and kick Tawain's 32 year old kids asses "

That's because you were all 38,  Anyhow you want to hear this or not? There's no way I'm making the Angels and I'm sick of hitting 70 points higher than every guy on steroids who gets called up just because they can go yard twice a week when the ball accidentaly hits their bat ya know what I'm saying Pops?

 "OK Let's have it. You may be a mooch but you're not a whiner.  How much money are we talking?"

9 maybe 10 grand tops.

Tops? This is starting out sounding like the dog ate my story and I had to give a crackhead 2.00 for a new one on the way over. Wait, I know what's going on. You moved in with your mother and you're gonna try tag teaming me, right?

What if I'm gonna prolly end up dead behind this?

"You're better be running from the Mafia and the law both for even half that much and that's only if  you can find a hit man to take me out on credit and you can get him to wait while all of you try to break my will giving everything to the burro at the petting zoo."

There you go. You got jokes You're a nasty mean old man pops. You want to hear the story or not?

"Not no 10,000.00  story I don't. If you got another 15-20 minutes to invest in it and make me feel like there is a real problem I might be up for a 500.00 dollar story but you're gonna have to outdo the I parked the Porsche on the side street to go get the dog off the freeway  and they stole my  rims story for even that much.."

No can do Pops. Besides I don't have another 15-20 minutes to listen to you stringing it out. I gotta somethin' to tell you.   You feelin me? No you're not so I'm gonna tell you straight out. I been waiting for this moment all my life Pops. You and Carmen are going to be my guests for two weeks and watch me play on opening day in...............you ready?.......stop looking for the hustle pops and pay attention....got your tickets and reservations already......first class....ready.....guess....hold up....you'll die of old age before you guess.....your son, that's right, the one who his dad says he's just like his mother...what was it you always say? Only picks up a phone when he wants something? Yep that's what you said . And what did your son's mother say about your son? You're just like your father, you need to stop pretending baseball is a real job. Well your son just got himelf a 1.2 million dollar contract to play centerfield for two years for the bad azzz "Toyko Swallows." As in Japan.  AND if I hit over .330 i get an extra 200 big ones  AND...........

"Holy payoff Batman! Are you serious? You are serious aren't you? That's incredible Dante. My god I got goosebumps. Look at my arm. You did it. You did exactly what you said you were going to do. I'm coming with you and I want to hear every detail on the ride over and then you can tell me it all over again bringing me home.  Whose else knows about this? Hang on let me get the camcorder. This better not be some elaborate scam....no wait, this is no scam. I don't have enough money for you to come up wth something like this. Son? HOLY CRAP!!!! Can I have your autograph?"

I told mom it might happen but I didn't tell you cause I didn't want to get your hopes up until I knew for sure. You're the only one that knows for sure.

"Ok give me the keys and get your ass off the couch. That's the problem with you rapcrap kids. All brag and no work"

All credit card no payments, all Diamonds and one Heart. Blah blah blah  And don't even think you're driving my Porsche.

"You can't seriously think I'm riding with you weaving all over the freeway while you call everyone you know. You drive like you're having sex with a kangaroo.  We'll both be dead before i get a chance to video your swing and help you figure out why you hit .22 points lower from the right side. Not that I don't already know but since you listen like a deaf Sasquatch I'm gonna show it to you."

You ain't gonna start claiming you had sex with a kangaroo now are you? DAMN POPS!!! What the hell are you doing? Don't be gettin sideways smokin tires n shit"

"Watch your mouth and call your mother" And by the way son? If you ever breath a word of this to anyone I'll claim you're making it up but I'm about as proud of you for being my son as any man has ever been. Could you make that 15,000.00 so I can spread a little cash around on a coupla bath houses I read about in Toyko where these women come in naked and wash you. 15K oughta cover it tops.

There may be hope for this kid yet. Wonder if now would be a good time to ask him back for the quarter he pocketed off the top of the TV? Not that it would do any good. Most likely he already spent it......WHAT? Excuse me....Carmen what did you just say?...................Is that supposed to be funny? I don't get it. What do you mean in another 35 or 40 years we'll both be 22?