Now a full monh into retirement, I'm finding out some of retirement is not all it's cracked up to be. For instance when you're home most the time now people just think, well hell he's retired, got nothing to do, let's just drop in on him for the next 2,000 consecutive hours and let him entertain us.

Ricardo and Conseulo are my father and mother in laws. This gets a little confused so try to keep up for a change. Ricardo is about 15 years older than Consuelo and I'm about, ahem well let's just say about 2&*(()) years older than my wife Carmen who would of course most likely be their daughter. I mention ages because my mother in law is a couple of years younger than me.

They've been over at least once a week since I retired. Ricardo is one of those Brazilan Latin Lover types who never has a hair out of place and actually looks comfortable in those pointy toed Italian shoes that cost about 8  million each. He could be in a Columbian drug cartel  for all I know. He's over 70, seems like they have money, dress well, drive a big Mercedes but all I ever heard was he's in "investments". Right.

Consuelo is the prototype airhead aging bimbo. She's still a looker but she's just about as anoying as any women I ever met. She chastizes her daughter for not "taking better care of Dusty". At first I thought that was pretty cool. How many guys got a mother in law who bitches out her daughter for not taking better care of her son in law?

Well things that seem too good to be true usually are. She nags at me for not making Camen apply herself? AT WHAT? She stays busy 24/7 and does her damndest to keep me busier in retirement that I ever was working. Butt out Consuelo, I'm tired.

And they fight. Not like the parents on everybody loves raymond. Oh no, that would be too easy. They fight shadow wars by proxy. And they take constant shots at each other that neither ever responds, just leaves the tension hanging in the air.

And they drink. Like it was an occupation that pays by them by the drink. She drinks Vodka and he Drinks Gin. Nothing else. My Vodka and my Gin.  Ever known a drunk who can drink a quart in a couple of hours and not slur a word, not get mean (well maybe they do since they're already the politest  mean  people I ever met), not get goofy and not show the liquor at all? I'm almost ready to suspect they have a bag hooked up somewhere under their clothes and are not actually drinking it, just stealing it for later.

I guess Consuelo does show it in one way. She gets very touchy feely about half a quart in. I hope it's the booze.

They hit the door this weekend, waltzed right in, Consuelo with three drinks mixed, Ricardo with his. "Made them at home and put them  in the chest in the trunk...We got everyone a head start. Just like the express checkout....no waiting....here's your's Dusty Gin and Tonic right?

Well actually Consuelo I may never mentioned this before (more than fifty times) but I don't drink.

When did you go on the wagon? Well it's the thought that counts right? (flips wrist, dismisses me) and heads up stairs with "Carmen's vodka and grapefruit juice"....which of course Carmen doesn't drink. They came with a double headstart.

"Give it to Ricardo Dusty. He's an alcoholic.  He knows what to do with it""

She's barely out of earshot (hopefully) when he says "Would you mind loaning me one of your guns Dusty?"

Hmmm....acually I would. Unless of course you're going hunting with Consuelo with a two gallons of booze and I'll loan both of you guns. We might get lucky.

"Why do you need to borrow a gun Ricardo"

"So I can do the right thing and kill her. The world has suffered long enough. If she wasn't such a vixen at sex.....uh Ricardo? I don't think is going to be one of those things that's going to be on the test ya know?.......I would have been a man and done it years ago and likely gotten a medal for it. Even at this late date the gratitude of the nation will still result in a presidental commendation wouldn't you think?

Gee Ricardo that's a tough one. Why don't we take it up with the White House before you do anything hasty? We should probably check first because they may not have any commendations left for this month. Might ought to hold out to after the first?

He gives me the old "Zorro raised eybrow of amusment at something a slovenly inept Federale said" and says "Very well this time. But don't worry yourself about it. I understand how you feel about her. I understand how eveyone feels about her. I have to live with her. She's suggesed we try viagra. I cannot tolerate another 20 hoursa week  of intercourse with that woman"......damn you just went under the radar again Ricardo. How bout we get over to the bar and get them pitchers filled up and  chilling before we even think about starting the grill?" (Let's see if we can get the two of you skunk drunk and maybe you'll become belligerent and refuse to let Carmen drive you home and you'll drive off he edge of the Canyon somewhere going back down? Suppose?)

Are you boys down here somewhere?.......oh there you are...no gossiping about me I hope....Ricardo your daughter would like to see you upstairs for a moment if you think you can tear yourself away from the gin already....please don't tell me you've already polished off both your and Dusty's drinks already?"

"Not a problem my hot vixen loon. We knew you would bring the gossip with you so we just saved our money for another day.....I'll be right back Dusty. Please don't deny me the pleasure before we can check with the White House" (I'll restrain myself Ricardo...but only if you hurry......no side trips or all bets are off.)

And off he went without a response from her. Like I say they fight shadow wars by proxy.

"Uh oh....problem"

"What's the problem Conseulo?"

"One quart of vodka, One quart of grapefruit juice, two quart pitcher equals you know what?" (No Ice? No chilling? No Glass? You'll just take your best shot at chugging it on the spot right here and now?) Afraid I don't Consuelo, You tell me"......"We have too much Grapefruit juice. This  stuff is nasty unless you mix it with something. You don't want it in the fridge just sitting there getting old. But I hate to throw out half a bottle. What should I do?"

(Go home?)

And so it went. Fast forward until late that night after Carmen had driven them home and I had picked her up we were about to go to sleep and we're laying in bed and I had a thought. I should have known better but it just slipped out.

" Have your parents always been like this?"

"No, unfortunately, they were a lot worse up until here lately.  About 10 years ago he took her to Acapulco with the intent to push her off a cliff diving platform or so he claimed later, and I believe him since they were really bad back then, but for some reason they ended up naked on the platform in the middle of the night making love and got arrested. And that was just one of many embarassing episodes  along about that time."

"Have you ever seen the cliff diving? We should go one day"

GOOD NIGHT!!!