Month or two before last Christmas, my oldest daughter Dez, my youngest daughter Nique, My ex Wife, Cruella Deville and my current wife Carmen called a meeting. Right off I knew I had about the same chance as the guys at the Alamo against Apache helicopters but since the meeting took place on the couch in my den where I was watching the Lakers at the time, I was unable to tunnel out and run for the border. Not that Cruella was there you understand. They had video conferencing which escapes me why it was that I was off camera and the Cru wasn't.  Divorced nearly 10 years that woman is going to be on big screen at my funeral reading a 2 hr list of my faults to anyone dumb enough to show up.

Anyhow I kept an ear on the whole opening speakers and glanced once in a while at the slide show and waited for the main topic to come up.....then it came....

WHAT?  ARE YOU PEOPLE INSANE????  NO!!!!  ABSOUTELY NOT!!!!  NOT ONLY AM I OUT I AM HAVING NOTHING TO DO WITH THIS. THAT'S STUPIDEST THING I EVER HEARD.  I AM PUTTING MY FOOT DOWN!!!!  YOU'RE ALL LUNATICS!!!  GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!!!!  AND GET OFF MY SCREEN CRUELLA???? DAMMIT THIS WAS YOUR IDEA WASN'T IT???? NO!!!!

Tell me whose right? We live in Los Angeles. You may have heard of it? 10 million people per square inch? Hollyweird? Drive by shootings? Gangs.  The LAPD,  Paris Hilton for God's sake? We're not exactly rolling pasture Amish country ya know?

So you tell me. Their idea was for everyone to chip in and buy Dez's kid Keke a pony for Christmas. A frigging pony. Couldn't come up with a stinking puppy could they? Oh noooooooo. Forget a cat or a bird or even a damn iguana. A Pony. And they had one picked out. Oh really? And this is a meeting to discuss it? I've seen more open minded lynch mobs.

For hours I fought. I sent for reinforcements from Colonel Fanin. Never came. For Days I fought, trying to keep the flag flying above the fort. I was wounded and drew a line in the sand with my sword and said anyone with me step over the line. And they all grew roots.

"But the Pony only costs 600.00...and he's so cute, half shetland, half welsh. And he can live at the Griffith park stables."

Yeah and he's had 186 owners and he's only 8 days old (well ok five years old)....do you people know what it costs to feed and stable a pony in Los Angeles? Has anyone actually rode the pony? Do any  of you know how to saddle a pony? Keke can't do it. Kids feed their goldfish the day they get it and then let it starve to death. Let's buy one of them horses outside the grocery store you put a quarter in, stick out back on the side of the garage and when she comes over, give her a roll of quarters. We're 10,000 ahead in a month. You people are retards. Like buying a NASCAR  car and cruising Forest Lawn.

Immediately there was a problem. Lobo the pony (as he would change his name to from his legal name at this time of Patches formerly known as Buttons formerly known as Rex the Wonder horse, Formerly known as Travelin' Sam"... you see where I'm heading with this?  I made the very legitimate arguement than any pony with that many aliases was probably wanted for crimes in 32 states and at the very least being hunted by interpol as an art thief)

But they ignored me. Calledl me negative, Said I was an old grouch. Scrooge.  And then the supreme insul. "Why do you care? You won't have anything to do with the pony. You just watch basketball and sit at the computer all the time"

Lobo had to move from his current home in Chatsworth in the valley cause they were building condos on his stable. Apparntly he was given a 5 day Marshal notice to vacate or they'd throw his belongings in the street. Which bothered the women not all since none of us live in the valley. We all live closer to the Griffith Park stables. Whch for some strange reason, wouldn't  have a stall available until January 20th. Well well well....what are you gonna do now Ladies? Take Keke to meet Lobo homeless sleeping under a bridge with a bottle of cheap wine? Let's see you say I didn't tell you so.

Christmas eve up the canyon drives a horse trailer , out gets a spotted pony, walks right into my fenced back/side yard and sets up shop. Wasn't 10 minutes before he went to work fertilizing the yard, walked on my mexican tiles on the patio, slobbered drinking out my hot tub, ate half the flowers and bit  me. Before lunch.,

Then bit  me again and kicked me while trying to saddle him so granddaughter could walk out back when she was delivered to her SUPRISE!!!! MERRY  CHRISTMAS!!!!!!

Long story short, after it was determined that Keke had far too sensitive a nose and I was being a jerk for expecting her to help me shovel up the pony crap and since the women were all....well hell I don't even remember all the excuses...I spend a couple of weeks walking up and down the road leading a pony that would bite me if I wasn't  watching him like the paparrazi on Britney.  Seems to like the kid. Seems to like  Carmen, Indifferent to the girls. Bit Cruella the one time she went to the stables to see Keke ride. Doesn't make him all bad. I sorta started liking the little fellow after that.

For a minute. They told us today that Lobo has to be out by the first of January cause the people that hold the actual lease on his stall are bringing in another horse. Excuse me? Ladies? You frigging SUB LET a stall for 250.00 a month? NO!!!  Absolutely NOT!!!  NO!!!  I DON'T CARE IF I'M RETIRED.   I DON'T CARE IF IT'S ONLY A MONTH OR TWO UNTIL ANOTHER STALL OPENS UP!!!  YOU CAN KISS MY BUTT!!!!!   YOU'RE ALL A BUNCH OF MORONS!!

"Keke?"

"uh huh"

"See this shovel right here? This is your shovel. It's just your size. Lobo is your horse."

"Granpa can I come live with you and Carmen and Lobo and Scruffy?"

"How much money you got?"

"I  got...um.....ummmmm....how much is this grandpa?"

"Who gave you 20.00? You're 4 years old"

"Carmen did.  i forgot i was posed to give to you cause you babysit lobo when he moves over here again,....can I keep it grandpa?"

"That's what she said huh? You need to get a job is what you need to do. See that? That's the dog's mess. Shovel it up and put it in the can. You need to practice "

"EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW"