For those of you keeping score at home, you may recall that I met my second wife while she and her best friend Buffy were working for me in my music store on Sunset.  They were quasi actresses, doing as thousands do in L.A.. Rushing back and forth to audtions, working everything from the Gran Prix as Budweiser girls to Standing around cars at the Convention center. They also alledgedly worked for me. Always late,  they generally had a hard time getting to work early enough so they could leave for lunch on time. They pretty much expected to be paid for standing in front of the mirror in the bathroom. I fired them. Which would of course explain how it was that Carmen and I ended up getting married.

I'll just skip over the details except to say on the surface they were eye candy bimbos. It turned out that Carmen was quite a lot smarter than she lets on to people that are willing to buy her act. She does understand how the system works. Buffy on the other hand is a predator. She's dumber than a shark but more dangerous. That's not to say that she's a slut sleeping around to get free dinners and trips to Vegas and Laker games and such. You ever seen a woman who is just flat out sexy, good looking,doesn't even work at it, has a new boyfriend about 6 times a year and is just operating on AUTOMATIC PILOT? That's our girl Buffy.

She and Carmen were inserepable for about 5 years before Carmen and I married and Carmen was the ringleader. So when we married I sorta got Buffy as the "wife's best friend" who is gonna do things like dump charcoal into your gas grill and light it. But she does look good in those short shorts, know what I mean? She got the nickname because she looks like Sarah Michelle-Ghellar only way better.

But after nearly 4 years of watching her run in and out and being a little older than both Carmen and Buffy you tire of the nonsense of a true airhead.  Buffy is blonde of course and NEVER SHUTS UP.  She can get a Pepsi commercial and it's "Carmen you have to go with me. I have to start hunting for houses. Do you think Brentwood or The Hills"?. And she believes it and she's never daunted when it doesn't happen.

 Buffy is, I think, 30 now. Looks 25, lies about her age.

So what is this rant about? It's a guy thing. Disaster has struck in my life yet once again. Last night, my 22 year old son stopped by the house to borrow some cash,  (yep you remember my son? The millionaire baseball player?) because they were on their way to the Airport to hop over to Vegas for a night of goofing off.  Wonderful. You kids have a good time, Win lots of money. EXCUSE ME? Oh God I don't believe this. How can this be?

Dante took Buffy to Vegas last night. This is the end of a dream. I have a better chance of winning the lottery now ya know? I mean I knew in the back of my mind Carmen and Buffy and I was never going to have a 3some but when there is always the possibility the mind will hold out. But she went to Vegas with my son. The dream is over. Long live the dream.

Meet Howie "Flying Pig"" Lempdioc.   This internet piece of work earned his nickname by rushing around the net,  dropping in on people who had never even heard of him prior and him screaming gems like.....'GET THE FUCK OUT.....LIKE ANYONE CARES WHAT YOU SAY...WHEN PIGS FLY" and " WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?  LIKE YOU KnOW ANYTHING.....WHEN PIGS FLY"  Remarkably consistent.....consistently dumb.

His claim to fame was an appearance on the Springer show. When Jerry asked him if was supicious that his wife might have brought him there to give him some bad news, his response? You guessed it . "Jerry, I'm such a stud that every woman that ever had me will crawl on their knees just to lick my balls.  That cunt leave me? When pigs fly"

His wife Roxanne then proceeded to dump him, informing him that she had been sleeping with local pig farmer Willlard "Swine" Davis's grandfather Buford who showed up on the Springer set wearing bib overalls and riding a nursing sow which he presented to Howie with the remark,"This en here don't fly but since yer not gonna be getting no tit round here no more we figured we'd hep u out.  This ole gal ain't particular atall. she done n went and let a barn rat suck on her. Reckon she might let ya latch on till she figggers out it's you.. "

We located his mother in upstate Indiana doing community service for rushing out of the stands at a Pacer game naked and attempting to tie her breasts in a knot while dancing in front of a stunned Sarnus Marcilonus .  Luckily Jermaine O'Neil clocked her before Stephen Jackson was able to cap her. When asked about her son's best qualities she said " Well, hard to say. Reckon every time he left home tween him turnin 29 and 45 was good thing he done. leastways fer the rest of us. Course he kept coming back.  Didn't matter how quick we moved neither. Somehow or 'tother he kept comin back. His daddy paid that town whore Roxeanne to marry up wif him but then Clarence lost his job over to the fertizlier plant and couldn't keep up that trailer payment of hers , or our neithern so she just put Howie out quickern a turkey shittin'  seein an axe". I been keepin myself moving round ever since so if the good lord's willin' and the crick don't rise mebbe I'm done with em  fer good this time"

Congratulations Howie "Flying Pig" Lempdioc. You're today's worst person on the internet.

Meet Charles "Biff" Clucker.  This transplanted Okie now lives in Los Angeles due to the fact that he couldn't get GR welfare for not working in Oklahoma so he moved to L.A. where he wastes his days away pretending to have something to crow about despite the fact that the majority of us wouldn't consider beating the government out of a 100.00 worth of food stamps and 200.00 cash a month anything worth boasting about.  

His claim to fame is an appearance on the Jerry Springer show where his girlfriend dumped him stating "Jerry, I can't take his nonstop babbling anymore. I have fallen in love with a Camel who is much better looking, better in bed and has a better vocabulary".

When, as is the case in all these awards, we attempted to contact his mother to comment on her son's better qualities, we met a woman who claimed "I don't know him, I don't live here, I have never known him, I don't want to know him. I thought he drowned when I put him in that sack and tossed him in the river".

Congratulations Charles "Biff" Clucker. You are the worst person on the internet today.

Bradley Gavin Hoffman lives in the Denver Colorado Area. He is 25, never been married, dropped  out of high school in the 10th grade and works as a telemarketer selling various crap that nobody wants. You know the guy. Just as you are sitting down to dinner the phone rings. It's Bradley.

His "accomplishments" include 19 traffic tickets which went to warrant, 4 stretches in county jail,  getting beat to a pulp seven times during those visits for being a 5'6'  270 lb blabbermouth. His claim to fame is an appearance on the Jerry Springer show in which his 540lb girlfriend dumped him claiming she was now in  love in love with a giant orange traffic cone which in her words "gave her more satisfaction than he ever had and didn't constantly talk so much".

His vocabulary is limited to KOBE SUCKS,. FUCK YOU and similar one sylable gutteral utterances. When asked to describe what she would she would say is  his best quality, his mother, apparantly misunderstanding the question, sighed and said "I will probably die supporting his lazy ass. He has no friends, no girlfriend, no car, he only works at a job about a week before they fire him. Giving birth to this cracker is something I will regret for the rest of my life"

Congratulations Hoffman. You are today's worst person on the internet.

The Lakers and Cavs both suffered their first losses and the Kobe and Lebron haters instantly made their appearance. I liken this to Doves crying out at sunset looking for a kindred soul or a mate or for whatever reason Doves cry.  Here's what I've heard so far.

- Lebron sucked so they lost for the very first time to the Bobcats. If he's the best player inthe NBA how come the Bobcats  were able to shut him down?

NONSENSE: No player has a good game every game and Lebron is no exception. Get a life.

-The Lakers were 2-0 without Kobe and they suck now with Kobe back.

NONSENSE: Even in the threepeat the Sonics have had the Lakers number. One year during the 3peat they even swept the Lakers for the season. The Lakers lost because they gave up 117 points. No defense. Kobe shot 10 times, 9 assists. Get a life.

-Lebron plays no defense is why the Bobcats beat the Cavs for the first time in their history

NONSENSE: Lebron not playing defense was no different than in their wins. How's that life coming along?

-Kobe has no lift. He is washed up.

NONSENSE: What is your attention span anyhow? Kobe played his second game of the season without a preseason. Are you on crack? Still no life huh?

THE TRUTH:

No team wins every game. Sometimes a superstar is just flat that night. It makes little difference who you lose to at this point in the season. A win is a win and a loss is a loss. And better to lose to the nothing teams than to lose to a team that you know you will meet in the playoffs because intimidation at the subconcious level can be a factor come playoff time.

If you expect any credibility among knowledgable fans you need to save your criticisms of superstars for nights when they put up huge numbers and their teams still lose. From my perspective when a superstar has an off night and his team lose that's to be expected. After all, they are the superstar right? They're the straw that stirs the drink and if they're not stirring that night, chances are they lose and nothing more needs to be said. Unless of course you're just an immature hater looking for something to cry about.

Keep it up and we mature fans will continue listening to you doves cry. I've long since stopped wondering why doves cry. But if you get too loud about it we're gonna have to reclassify the series on Kobe and Lebron and rename it  When Sheep Bleat. Or maybe When Pigs Grunt.