So you think you got jokes? I don' t think so. LOL.  Life is too serious and as you get older you hear lots less new jokes than you used to hear. So here's what we're going to do. With only a few weeks left before the Annual "Fox Sports Blog Dustie Awards" we gotta decide on who has the best jokes.  Enter as often as you like but only one joke per entry. If you add more than one joke at a time those jokes will not be considered  for a Dustie Award nor will they be included in the "Dustie Award Winning joke book" that will follow.

Let's kick it off with an old musty joke from my child hood.

Little Johnny was sitting in his first day at school when the teacher was explaining the alphabet. Now she said, what word begins with the letter A.

Johnny's hand shot up and she called on him......."ASSHOLE" was his response.

After the class has been calmed down and everyone who had fallen off their seat laughing was back at their desk properly,  she proceeded to ask what word began with the Letter B.

Not a soul raised their hand......except for Johnny. She decided to take a chance but admonished him in advance not to say a dirty word....and he responded....BASTARD.

Order was once again restored in due time, tissues passed out for those giggling so hard they were crying and the teacher proceeded through the alphabet and every single letter she asked for a word no one raised their had......except forJohnny....who she ignored and gave her own example word.

She came to the letter R and again only Johnny's hand was  in the air.  She thought carefully and came to the quick conclusion that she couldn't think of a single curse word that began with the letter R so she broke down and called him but stated "I do not want to hear a word with the letter R that is a curse word Johnny do you understand me".

He assured her that he was a team player and had received the message loud and clear.

The teacher said "fine Johnny what word begins with the letter R?" And he replied.

RAT!!! A BIG FUCKING RAT WITH A 12 INCH DICK.

Now I know that was pretty bad. LOLOLOLOL I loved that joke. But I set the bar low on purpose. I can't win my own awards so why try that hard right?= LOLOLOL I  love that joke.

 

GOTHAM CITY: STATELY MANSION OF MULTI-MILLIONAIRE BRUCE WAYNE"

"I'm sorry Master Wayne I simply cannot do it.  Even young master Dick was searching for a more appropriate look when the Zorro mask he was trying out slipped and he was momentairly blinded and impaled himself on his sword....or perhaps he was just unable to bring himself to being seen in public in yellow tights any longer. The day of the Village People is over Master Wayne.  I'm not wearing yellow tights sir. I'm 97 years old"

"I'm afraid you must Alfred. Gotham City is depending on Batman and Robin. I'm Batman, I can't be Robin at the same time. I can't let Carmen be Robin because she's already Battygirl. It must be you Alfred. No one will notice."

"Sir my hair is white. I'm an  African American.  I don't spend my free time in bath houses. I am not wearing Master Dick's Robin costume and yellow tights.  Furthermore.................

LOOK ALFRED!!!!!!!!! IT'S THE BAT SIGNAL....TO THE BAT POLES...THIS WILL WARM YOU RIGHT UP IN THAT PLACE WHERE VIAGRA DOES BUT IT DOES IT A LOT FASTER TRUST ME....................

(GROAN)

(to be continued)

 

Maybe it's just me but there was something about a guy who's too lazy to even pull on a pair of sweats and do his sports couch potato act.that just don't seem right to me. Never did. I always had trouble listening to my father sharing his considerable knowledge of various sports while he scratched and belched and farted. Sidney Portier he was not. But he was was a fair man. When I announced I was a (in order for a pre 10 year old kid with no NBA team west of the Mississippi) that I was a Knick, then St Lous Hawks and then a Minneapolis Laker fan he immediately pinpointed my motivation. "All the guys at school you hate are Celtics fans aren't they?" Well yes they were as a matter of fact. And I was a fan of anyone who beat the Celtics on rare occasions. Some 50 years ago he taught me one of the many examples of what it takes to be a 'real man" as he called them in regards to sports teams vs sports stars. It wasn't rocket science but he was right. Even if you despise a team, thousands of players, most forgotten within a decade will pass thru any particula "big league sport" during your lifetime. A small percentage of those will be legendary hall of famers. "Hate the team, but appreciate and enjoy the superstar was the basic message. (and you rap vermin thought you invented "don't hate the player, hate the game". My pops was 40 years out in front of you.) I miss my dad. I miss the days when you had to give the devil is due. These are not good times for people like him and me. I remember sitting on my front porch with my best friend Chris Pilgrim argueing about who was better Maris or Mantle that year. (naturally I took Maris). We didn't say "so and so player SUCKS FUCK YOU". We studied the backs of sports cards, we studied magazines, watched games when we could. But the arguement back then was never whether a star was any good or not just who was the best. Today if you don't like a player you don't have to justify it. Nobody justifies anything. They just accuse, condemn, dismiss. Simple as that. If they wanna say Kobe sucks because he's a rapist? Hey no problem. If they want to say Lebron is the next MJ, no documentation needed and none accepted unless it supports your declaration. If they want to say Darius Miles is a superstar? Consider it done. AK47 is a Kobe stopper? Print it. But what most of you do today is tunnel vision. If a rapper disses another rapper you rush to choose a side and you'll never give an inch even if you liked the rapper before your new favorite rapper disses him. You're like 5 year olds following around a kid with a bag of candy. You'll say and do anything to be noticed and get your grubby little mitts (some attention and acceptance) on some "candy". And when called to justify your immaturity you simply call someone like me and old fool, an uncle tom, a bitch, whatever. I understand. It's beyond your ability to defend your own ignorance because...well....you're ignorant. But I sure do miss the days when we argued about who was best and who was second best and on down the line. You didn't always win but what you didn't do was lose like we do today because it's either "your boy" or "your team" and everyone else and everything else is shit. What a waste of sports history that you're missing and what a damn shame I so seldom find anyone to just talk the NBA with anymore. Maybe it wasn't such a bad thing my pops sitting in his underwear with a huge glass of ice tea on the end table and him saying "pull my finger". At least we got to talk a little sports when we fanned the air back to breathing level.

"Dusty I am reaching the end of my rope here. The dog pound just called and Scruffy was picked up again. Why do you keep doing this?"

Doing what?

"Lettting her out to go potty and forgetting she's out. She's in the North Hollywood pound this time. That's fifteen miles from here. She's gonna get killed one of these times Dusty"

Well Ok it's true I did let her out in the back yard this morning and I did forget her but I heard her around noon chasing Lobo around the yard. I wonder how she got out?"

"Nique is picking her up and bringing her home but this has to stop Dusty. Will you please turn off the game and go see where she's getting out?"

Sure sweetie, can I wait until half time? It's only 11 more minutes.

"That's an hour in basketball time Dusssssttttyyyy?"

 

---

 

Hey Howard got a minute? Got a little problem I wanted to ask you about.

"Sure Dusty, what's up?"

You been out working in your yard all day?

"Off and on"

Well the wife just slam dunked me because I let the dog out this morning and about noon I heard her chasing the pony around the yard and I got to watching the games I taped and forgot about her and she gets picked in North Hollywood and taken to the pound so Carmen asks me if I' d check to see how the she's getting out and so here I am and the gate is wide open and the pony is gone too. Carmen's gonna freak. You didn't see no kids hanging out did you?

"uh nooooo, I think there's any Kids on the street for the holidays, not that's I've seen. Let me call Abdul down at the end of the street and see if he's seen anything..............................

"Sorry Dusty, he's not picking up. Why don't we split up the canyon and go driving looking for the Pony. And we can file a missing pony report while we do it"

 

"Dusty?"

Yeah Carmen

"Where are you?"

Down the road a bit talking to a neighbor.

"You wouldn't be looking for Lobo by any chance would you?"

Well I guess you might say I was wondering where he got off to I guess.

"Are you aware you been gone for almost two hours and there has been a police man here wanting to take a missing pony report?"

I didn't want to worry you honey. He's somewhere around. I called the pound and he's not with Scruffy but I'm telling you Carmen that dog is a bad influence on Lobo. That dog is a born runner.  She's like a hobo riding trains.

"Dusty stop it right now. While I was standing there talking to the officer Lobo came walking up the street, went right to the back gate, opened the handle with his mouth and walked in while we stood there and watched him. Do you suppose we might want to put a lock on that gate?"

So what you're saying is Lobo is a bad influence on Scruffy? I would have never guessed that.

"What time are you coming home?"

Well it's 4:30 now and the Laker Knicks game starts at 8:00 p.m. in the east so I'm on my way if I want to catch the tipoff. Want me to pick up some Quick Chinese at Tony's? Hello? Carmen? Are you still there? Damn animals. Helllloooooooooooooooo????

 

---

 

Hey Howard? It's me. The Pony just came home and let himself back in the gate like he knew what he was doing. That's the damndest thing, I wonder where he learned that? Dog probably taught it to him. I should have known they was up to something when they got all quiet.  Anyhow, Carmen's steamed so we probably gonna have to watch the games tonight at your house. Why? What did you do now? ........ I told you that viagra was gonna get you in trouble. You been eating that stuff like M & M's. Well Maybe Abdul got home and will lets us come over........That's what I like about you Howard....always thinking ahead....so he's cool? Let me swing by Tony's and grab some Chinese and I'll see how hot Carmen is after we eat so I'll probably miss the first quarter at least. Make sure Abdul tapes it ok? Ok buddy. See ya there.

---

Today I am announcing a number of what we believe are necessary rule changes to the National basket ball association. Before I make this announcement let me say that the reason for these changes are because our Job as Commissioner and league officals is to try and ensure that the players can provide those who support them, the fans, with the best possible game in the world. We invented the game and we will not rest until the fans are happy with our game that we play. Having said all this here are the changes in the rules.

-There is an old saying that "records are made to be broken." As true as this is, it also behooves us to provide  as closely as possible a fair comparasion of today's stars with those whose records they are chasing. With this in mind the zone defense is hereby eliminated.

No player may be double teamed wthout the ball.

Hand checking will be allowed as long as the defender does not use more than one bend at the elbow to hand check.

There will be no further "and one" foul shooting. If the shooting player makes his shot the foul is waved off and play continues. If he does not because of a foul the resulting two shot foul shots will take place. This will allow for fewer stoppages of play and result in a stronger flow of the game.

The flagrant foul 1 and flagrant foul 2  is eliminated and will be replaced by a single flagrant foul being defined as being any foul which takes place with the fouling player acting in a manner which clearly is not playing the ball and intentionally commiting a foul which in addition to stopping the shot being made also clearly shows no responsiblity in manner which could result in the injury of a shooting player.  A single flagrant foul will result in the ejection of the offending player for the ensuing 48 minutes of play over the time required to complete this game and the enusing next game scheduled.