Just let me say upfront that I have the utmost respect for the game of soccer and it's fans.  However, just as I have never refrained from cheap humor at the expense of American sports and players I will not now hold back from what is a delightfully mockable sport.  (International fans-please insert the words 'football' for 'soccer' and 'humour' for 'humor'.      

The following glossary of soccer (football) terms is provided for persons such as myself who are not sufficiently bright enough to grasp the complexities of the world's most popular sport and are bewildered each time we watch it..                                                                                                                                                                               

Bicycle Kick

When a player kicks the ball in mid-air over his head and backwards.  Normally occurs when a player, bored with the mind-numbing pace of the game begins to fantasize about an alternative career as a circus acrobat.

Breakaway

When an attacker breaks free and confronts the goaltender one-on-one.  The most exciting play in soccer, it raises the shooter's odds of scoring from that of David Beckham remaining celibate for the remainder of his life to those of Prince Charles in a singles bar. 

Consolation Match

Any game played by the US Soccer team after the first two matches.

Dangerous Play

In the event that the referee perceives danger in a player's actions, even if no contact is made, he may call a foul.  Designed to prevent even the illusion of action.

Diving Header

Where a player strikes the ball near the playing surface with his own head.  Also known as a Roethlisberger. 

FIFA

Federation Internationale de Football Association.  The governing body of the World Cup.  So named to distinguish it from the French Internale Federation Insufferable (FIFI)  which meets once every four years to look down it's nose at the remainder of civilization.

4-2-4, 4-3-3, 4-4-2, 9-1-1

The first three are formations used to prevent anything interesting from happening in a soccer game.  The last is a number to call if you become suicidal at 63:47 of a scoreless second half between Trinadad-Tobago and Cote d"Ivorie.

 Hemp

Material used to drape goal.  Substance smoked for hours to pass time during soccer games.

 Injury Time

Time added to a game by the officials in the event of injury.  Additional time may be added to the game just to annoy American fans during a loss.  This is referred to as adding insult to injury.

Jules Rimet Trophy

A trophy given to the winners each year between 1930 and 1970, named in honor of French Football Federation President Jules Rimet, founder of the World Cup.  It was a rather small, yet oddly pretentious trophy, not unlike the nation of it's birth.  In 1966 it was stolen and buried, later to be found by a dog named Pickles (seriously).  In 1983 it was stolen and melted down.  In today's market, the value of the trophy is conservatively estimated at a sum approaching the price of glass of a decent beer in Berlin. 

Net

Cord draped over the frame of a goal made of hemp (see hemp).

Official Game Clock

            A sun dial.  If game is played at night a calendar may be substituted.

 Offsides

Where an attacker has passed through the neutral zone and threatens to score with any fewer than ten defenders and stadium security armed with tear gas between the offensive player and the goal.

Red Card

A postcard from Berlin, written in your own blood once you realize that the crowd is so huge that there is no chance to escape and you will have to watch an entire soccer game.

Sudden Death

A type of overtime where the first goal wins the match.  Not to be confused with slow death, the act of actually watching a soccer match sober.

Wall

Object of physical construction, normally masonry, used by American soccer fans to repeatedly bash their heads into after watching their team in the World Cup.

Yellow Card

                 Hastily written postcard from American soccer fan whilst being pursued by howling
                  mob of German soccer fans who observed him cheerling for Argentina in the finals.