(Test administrator) Okay, I am now administering the sodium pentothal. Let's wait just a moment and then begin. Please try to relax. It is 9PM on August 10 and I am here on behalf of the ownership of the Colorado Rockies.

Alright Mr. O'Dowd, are you the general manager of the Colorado Rockies?

(Dan O'Dowd) Yes, yes I am.

(Test administrator) And you recently placed a waiver claim for Livian Hernandez?

(Dan O'Dowd) Yes, yes I did.

(Test administrator) Very good. Now, were you aware Hernandez had given up 206 hits in 142 innings and only struck out 55 batters?

(Dan O'Dowd) I do not think I was aware of that at this time and probably was not aware of it at the other time at which I did not know that of which you spoke in the first part.

(Test administrator) Now, for your safety and to ensure the accuracy of this test, I must ask you, have you consumed any alcoholic beverages in the past 24 hours?

(Dan O'Dowd) Why, whatever do you mean, officer?

(Test administrator) Had you ever heard of Livian Hernandez before you assumed the remainder of his $1.65 million contract?

(Dan O'Dowd) The Twins said he was a nice man and a good teammate.

(Test administrator) But did they say he could still pitch?

(Dan O'Dowd) Not that I recall.

(Test administrator) Now, why did you allow Mr. Hernandez to start Sunday knowing this would place spectators beyond the outfield walls and your own players at grave risk of physical danger and place your employer at risk of personal injury lawsuits?

(Dan O'Dowd) Bob Apodaca, our pitching coach, watched him warmup. He told the press "This wasn't touch-and-feel. This wasn't to see what kind of stuff he has. I mean he was 10-8 in the hairy-chested American League."

(Test administrator) I'm sorry, I confused.

(Dan O'Dowd) Hi, I'm Dan O'Dowd, pleased to meet you. I understood Bob perfectly. He evaluates pitchers based on the chest hair content of the league they pitch in. That is why we don't promote players from A ball. They have not had sufficient time to grow the amount of chest hair necessary to pitch in the majors.

(Test administrator) Huh?

(Dan O'Dowd) Exactly.

(Test administrator) Moving on. During Sunday's game when did you begin to suspect it had been unwise to acquire the services of Mr. Hernandez?

(Dan O'Dowd) It's hard to say, it all happened so fast.

(Test administrator) Take your time.

(Dan O'Dowd) Well, it was probably the first inning, some time just after the first batter singled. And then the second, and when Brian Giles doubled them in. I didn't even know he was still playing, I thought he had retired. Or maybe that was his brother. Anyway I'd say it was between then and when the Gerut kid took him deep. I knew we should have pitched him more carefully. He did hit 11 home runs that year at Salem.

(Test administrator) Now, one thing I'm unclear on. You were 12 games out at the time you acquired Hernandez. Why did you feel compelled to acquire a veteran pitcher?

(Dan O'Dowd) In time I thought we could close the gap to 11 games.

(Test administrator) Now, you released Kip Wells to make room for Hernandez and owe him $900,000 for not pitching the rest of the year.

(Dan O'Dowd) Have you seen him pitch? It was money well spent.

(Test administrator) So, if I have this right, you'll spend $1.4 million over the next two months to pay Hernandez to not pitch well and Wells not to pitch at all.

(Dan O'Dowd) We have that all figured out. If we can just sell 119,000 more hot dog and beer combos over the next two months that should about cover it. And, with Hernandez pitching we think there will be a lot more drinking at games. Heck, we're thinking Hurdle and his coaches are going to put a big dent in it even before the fans start.

(Test administrator) So, you take sole and complete responsibility for signing Hernandez?

(Dan O'Dowd, begins singing) Regrets, I've had a few, but then again too few to mention. I did it my way!

(Test administrator) OK, we're done, just relax and someone will be along to drive you home. It's now 9:22 and the O'Dowd interview is concluded.

(Dan O'Dowd, continuing to sing) Does anyone really know what time it is? Does anybody really care? (hitting high note) About time.....