(Moderator) Welcome to tonight's debate between Senators Barack Obama and Hilary Clinton. I'm your moderator, Tom Slow co-host of the PBS nightly news presentation the Slow-Lehrner Report. Tonight's panelists are Mr. Robert Knight-a former college basketball coach, William Belichick of Boston-coach of the NFL's New England Patriots, and William R. Clemens-former professional baseball player and expert on health care issues.

Tonight our topic is sports. By a coin toss prior to the debate, Mr. Obama will give the first opening statement, Ms. Clinton will receive the first question. Mr. Obama-

(Obama) I come tonight not to talk about my aspirations, but the inspiration of America's dreams. Hope for change. It's what fans of the Pittsburgh Pirates yearn for, what gives meaning to 100 years of frustration for the followers of the Chicago Cubs, and the only thing that stops fans of the Memphis Grizzlies from lying down on Beale Street and begging for the sweet release that only a five ton cross town bus can provide.

(Moderator) Ms. Clinton.

(Clinton) For eight years when the call went out from the White House to the Super Bowl champion's locker room, I was there. When NBA champions brought #1 jerseys with the name Clinton on the back, they knew to bring two, one for each president. And when people would say to me, "Hilary, those NFL cheerleaders look just like Hooters Girls", I knew just what they meant because I followed my husband into Hooters more times than I can count.

When my worthy opponent was still playing soccer or cricket or whatever foreign sport he was involved in instead of baseball, I was out there fighting. Floating like a butterfly. Stinging like a bee. I'm a very.....bad.....woman. A....very...bad....woman. (gesturing at Obama and moving menacingly toward him) You're going down. You're going down!

(Moderator) Ah, back to your corners please. Our first question to Mrs. Clinton is on health care. Mr. Clemens?

(Clemens) As you know, we're a rapidly aging nation. Debilitating injuries can cut short employment, and the Mitchell Report has shown that 7 out of 10 baseball players do not have steroidal coverage in their health care plans. What would you do as President about this vital issue?

(Clinton) I am so happy you asked that. At a recent campaign stop I met a man who used to be a baseball player. For the sake of this discussion we'll just call him Buddy Biancalana. He hit only 6 HR in 550 major league at bats. His career was cut short because, back in 1987 when Buddy retired, not all American Leaguers could afford designer steroids and HGH. Today we'd be able to pump him up at least three hat sizes and 15 HR's a season, provided he could pay for the coverage. How many skinny, emaciated, white shortstops will we have to watch before this country does something about steroid coverage!

(Obama) We don't need to inject race into this. I remember Rey Ordonez. Nine seasons, 3,000+ at bats, 12 home runs. So, don't lecture me about automatic outs in the 8 spot. The question is not whether players need steroids, it's who is going to pay for it. Are average beer swilling citizens going to have to pay higher ticket prices, or are we going to make players without steroid coverage pay their own way so we can achieve universal coverage? If blank checks and empty promises achieved results, the Baltimore Orioles would have a bullpen. We've got to find that balance.

(Clinton) I just want to add, Mr. Clemens, that I've seen your wife's body of work in this area and I am impressed. Very, impressed.

(Clemens) Ah, thanks. I think.

(Moderator) Mr. Obama, our next question comes from Mr. Belichick on the subject of national intelligence capabilities.

(Belichick) You're widely quoted as being inspired by John F. Kennedy and many commentators have remarked how similar you are. In 1960 JFK talked about the widening missile gap with the Russians. Today, there is a crying need for smaller video cameras and spy satellite's that can resolve images down to the clipboard level from outer space. What will you do as President to make sure we have those capabilities?

(Obama) I have HOPE for a CHANGE in the NFL's policy on surveillance equipment. But HOPE is not enough unless we CHANGE the dynamic of the arguement. Only then will the HOPED for CHANGE give us the CHANGE we HOPE for.

(Clinton) This is exactly what I mean. Hope and change. I hoped Bill would change for years, but that didn't get results. Mr. Belichick, let me answer that question directly. Video tape gets results. Night vision goggles get results. Spy satellites so accurate they can read a greasy Arkansas hamburger joint's menu from 15 miles up. That gets results. Patriots, true Patriots, don't let Moss grow under their feet.

(Moderator) Time for a quick rebuttal. Senator Obama?

(Obama) Patriots? Listen to this pandering on the part of my opponent, the Cubs fan. Or is it Yankees fan, or WhiteSox fan? If Canadians could vote, she would probably be the biggest Toronto Argonaut fan in America.

(Moderator) Now to Mr. Knight and....

(Clinton) Wait just a minute. I have to respond to that. For Mr. Obama to insinuate that I would have anything to do with three down, 110 yard football is just not acceptable. And, Canadians CAN vote, just not in our elections. Do your homework, Mr. Obama. If that's your real name.

(Obama) Now that's a CHANGE. I HOPE my opponent will make a clear statement against the CFL and for the NFL. Now that my HOPE has been realized, I'm willing to CHANGE and admit to being the better person, I mean bigger man. At least I HOPE so anyway.

(Clinton, under her breath) Rugby fan.

(Moderator) Now, let's move this along. Again, I would caution the audience that the wave is not normally a part of political debates. So, let's all just settle down. Mr. Knight, the final question.

(Knight) I'm hearing a shotgun approach to these questions, which frankly I'm all in favor of. But I want to ask each of you a simple question. Are you tough enough? When the going gets tough, how far does the chair go across the court with each of you?

(Obama) Over the year I've CHANGED, or at least I HOPE I've CHANGED.

(Clinton) Give me a break!

(Knight) You go girl, let him have it with both barrels!

(Clinton) This man has the nerve to stand stand here and say he's for change. Now, I've been cautioned to play it safe, to not take a stand, to go away quietly.

(Knight) Say it, sister!

(Clinton) But I'm not going anywhere. It's a FACT that this man has never, never spoken out against restrictor plates in NASCAR. He's never said word one against the short 3 point line in
NCAA basketball, and when he had chances to speak up against the DH. Did he? Did he? No, he did not. He didn't even vote "present", and you want to know why? This is a man who doesn't know who Dale Earhardt was, who secretly plays basketball in Chuck Taylors? Who would socialize the 9th spot in the order and not require pitchers to work like hard working fans have to. I'm sorry, if this is his version of change, then I'm against it.

(Obama) Let me answer that if for a CHANGE, she will let me. I HOPE. The search for Amelia Earhardt will be a top priority of my administration, we WILL, I HOPE, move the three point line back to 60 feet, six inches, and I have never used DH, or HGH, or whatever she just said.

(Clinton) You heard him, this man is a fraud! Amelia Earnhardt? Sixty feet six inches? I can't believe a candidate of the party of Franklin Roosevelt and Tyrus Raymond Cobb would say these things. Rewind the tape on that one, Mr. Belichick. My opponent is down for the count. I am the greatest! I am the greatest!

(Obama) CHANGE! I HOPE for CHANGE in the tone of this debate!

(Bell Ringing)

(Moderator) At 16 minutes and 51 seconds, the winner and new Sports Presidential Champion, Democratic Division, the Chicago Crusher-Hilary Diane Rodham Clinton!

(Bill Clinton) Love you babe! Great job, I'm just going to go across the street and get some wings, I'll be back Thursday.

(Clinton) You're next, Billy Boy, you're going down!

(Obama) I HOPE this isn't the end for you guys. He could CHANGE.

(Clinton) Shut up, just shut up!