Your workplace is not like their workplace.

People don't chant "You S__k!" while you work. (Unless you're a manager and then only after you leave the room).

Kobe Bryant doesn't think he's too good to work with you and ask your boss to find better people for him to work with.

You don't come to work in the morning in Miami and find out you have to report to a new job in Toronto tonight.

They don't ask you to keep working with a concussion.

Nothing that happens in the last five seconds of your work day has any bearing on your continued employment.

Nobody stops you on your way into or leaving from work to ask for an autograph (excluding process servers).

You've never been asked to stick a needle into another employee's lower extremities in order to enhance their work place efficiency.

Reebok will not sue you if you forget and wear Nikes to work.

You can date a fellow employee.

You do not have to shower with your coworkers.

There is no job description requiring you to bend over and let another employee put his hands between your legs while randomly screaming numbers until he calls out the right one.

If a coworker is attacked by someone from another company with a large stick and beaten repeatedly, you can go back inside and call 9-1-1 as opposed to participating in the mayhem.

If you do well at your job nobody throws a small, hard spheroid at your head at speeds approaching ninety-five miles an hour.

Your day doesn't start with forty people in your office placing their hands together in a circle, making animal noises, and shouting "teamwork" (OK, maybe at Martha Stewart Living, but that's the exception).

After you screw up really bad at work, Bonnie Bernstein doesn't approach you on your way into the bosses office to ask what went wrong out there.

You don't have to listen to Phil Jackson's zen schtick.

Jim Rome doesn't laugh at your misfortune, pause for what seems like an hour, then repeat the same inane remark. Then start over for another fifteen minutes.

Nobody blogs about the quality of your work.

You're overpaid and nobody knows it.

If you go to Vegas, throw money at strippers and cause a riot, it's just an interesting story when you get back and not a reason to give you a year's unpaid leave.

The federal government is probably not investigating you.

You don't complete key job tasks while the rest of the office sits together watching you, yelling encouragement, and spitting on the floor.

When things aren't going well at work you can't see someone getting ready to come in and replace you.

If your staff does a good job they don't sneak up behind you with a twenty gallon container of Gatorade and ice and dump it on you.

Nothing you do at work is strenuous enough to require you to use oxygen.

People aren't constantly comparing your work to your brother's.

If you have a groin injury it will not be announced in a press release.