NFL coaching legends Jimmy Johnson, John Madden, Bill Cowher, and Dennis Green described how they would game plan for the New England Patriots in a USA Today article. (Alright, Green isn't a legend, but then again the other three wouldn't be either if they had coached the Vikings and Cardinals).

From all that coaching genius we got the following. Blitz. Then blitz. Then blitz some more. Run so Brady can't get on the field. Make big plays on special teams.

Piffle.

I don't know what piffle is, but it sounds clever when the roaming travel gnome in the commercials says it. And it's always a good rule to pattern your public statements after inanimate objects of lawn art whenever possible.

Let me just say this about that. I know how to defeat the New England Patriots and it involves none of the coaches suggestions.

Start with Tom Brady. The way to stop Brady is to lure him off the field with a lingerie model. If that doesn't work try an actress. And if that doesn't work, a process server with a paternity suit will do.

Bill Belichick. Basically the same strategy as with Brady. Just adjust by telling Belichick that the husband of a lingerie model, actress, or general contractor is looking for him.

Randy Moss. Steal his helmet. Put an Oakland Raiders helmet in his locker. Suddenly he won't be quite so dangerous. Suddenly he will look very stoppable. Passes will slip through his hands, routes won't be a sharp, a step will be lost. Sampson had his hair, Moss has the Patriots helmet.

Inform the player's families their sons have become part of dangerous cult. Stage an intervention to get Rodney Harrison out of this bizarre group. Look at this logo:


If this is a Patriot, then Paul Revere was on LSD. Obviously dark forces are at work here. The single star, the weird hair style, the pointy chin. At best, it's an artist rendition of the guy who didn't get the gig playing bass for Kiss.

Use technology (the Navy's Sea Sparrow Missle) to offset the Patriots advantages:



No, we're not going to shoot down Wes Welker. (The early tests failed when, like the Dallas secondary, we were unable to acquire the target in time to get a hit). Instead, we will employ the Sea Sparrow from a cruiser in Boston Harbor against:



The spy satellite the Patriots switched to when the NFL stopped them from using sideline cameras to steal other team's signals.

We will also go after the Patriots ultimate weapon, replacing these zebras:



With these zebras:



Just remember. History is full of supposedly unstoppable forces that were taken down. Stalin, Hitler, The Backstreet Boys, and someday maybe even Dr. Phil. It can be done.

You just have to have a plan.