Saying it did not wish to further inflame anti-US feelings by vetoing the measure the US today abstained as the UN Security Council passed by 8-0 a resolution requiring citizens of all countries to love, or at least pretend interest in, soccer.  

"It is an obvious insult to the honour of France that these American cretins did not vote in favor of the measure" said French Ambassador L'Enfant Pompadour.  To not embrace a sport which celebrates partial days of unproductive labour and heavy drinking is deny the essence of the French spirit.

"For the Americans to lose to Ghana is not enough", said Despoto Dick D'atur representing an alliance of African nations.  "We are not third world backwaters without internet access.  We see the indifference with which Americans have met this humiliation.  Where are the rioting mobs, the death threats to the American coach?  They have managed to make hockey players out of us in our hour of great triumph.  Yes, we have won, but does anyone know or even care?  We might as well have televised the game on OLN.  If a tree falls in the forest and nobody is there, does it make a sound?  We are that tree.  This is our forest!"  Bono, appearing at the U.N. for the 473rd time since 2000, removed his sunglasses and wept openly at D'Atur's remarks.

The stream of anti-American speechs accompanying passage of the resolution was unbroken until the British Ambassador  Sir Watford Stick N. D. Posterior, member of the House of Lords from Druncken Commons, rose waving a single finger in the direction of U.S. Ambassador John Bolton and passed out at the podium.  Sir Watford had spent the afternoon in an English pub in New York watching the British team before joining a mob of British and German soccer fans who cursed passing African-Americans and chanted slogans denouncing US cultural intolerance.  A spokesman for the ambassador said the excitement of England's 1-0 victory over Paraquay and not the 12 pints downed by Sir Watford that afternoon caused his "unexpected illness".

Meanwhile, Democratic leader Nancy Pelosi of California appeared at a press conference denouncing the Bush administration's failure to support the resolution.  Wearing a "Soccer, You Gotta Love It! (Or Else)" tee shirt she pledged to introduce a bill requiring US TV networks to broadcast soccer games in prime time, require that high schools give over every other Friday night during football season to soccer teams, and end the practice in some Southern schools of replacing ritalin treatments for ADD children with prolonged exposure to soccer DVD's .  "Our children deserve the same right to be repeatedly struck in the head by soccer balls until they find the game interesting as those of other nations.", Pellosi said, "The right to aimlessly run about for hours shall not, and will not, be denied by this Congress!"

Perpetual presidential candidate Senator John McCain appearing in a sombrero and accompanied by two scantily clad actresses from a popular Univision comedy show, came out in favor of free televisions for undocumented aliens.  "These people are in this country doing the jobs our people don't want to do and we should at least give them the opportunity to watch the sports our own people will not watch."

Appearing "liquored up" Senator Hilary Clinton responded to these events by speaking from the back of a flatbed truck in Lick Skillet, Tennessee.  Pledging to "kick the a__" of anyone who tried to make American children watch soccer, which she denounced as an "obvious occult ritual", Clinton promised to use military force against the MLS.  It is believed this lastest speech may signal Senator Clinton's interest in the upcoming presidential campaign and is possibly an attempt to moderate her liberal image with Southern voters.

"Soccer-You Gotta Love It (Or Else)" tee shirts and bumper stickers are now available at area reeducation centers.  Therapy for persons who claim not to like soccer is available through a network of health professionals at 1-555-No-Action.