I think I may be done with sports. Seriously, last night's Rose Bowl may have pushed me over the edge. I like USC - they're fun to watch, have likeable players, and most of all, they're the only good high-level sports team in the Greater Los Angeles area. Like most sane people, I watched USC all season because they restored what civic pride was left in Los Angeles (not much) and put Reggie Bush on the field. Anyway, last night was there chance to legitimately claim the title of "Best Team Ever," and they (along with some other factors) Divine Browned it. Here's my theory: last night's game had too much in common with the 2000 Election, but instead of Texas' victory affecting free speech, one's right to privacy, and international relations, a Longhorn victory has probably set back any claim that the West Coast had to football supremacy, or at the very at least, respect. Let me explain the election part first: From the beginning, you had an incumbent of a dynasty (Gore/USC) against a fiesty organization from Texas (Bush/UT). The hope and future of middle America (old-school programs like Ohio St, Notre Dame, Alabama) rested on the cocky shoulders of somebody who said idiotic things when it mattered most (George W/Vince Young). Over the course of the game (election), one watching the game figured that there was no way USC (Gore) could lose, if for no other reason than all of the fumbles (every W speech) Texas was coughing up. When the dust cleared, though, Texas came out on top, thanks to some idiotic USC (Gore) moves like not spying VY (lockbox), not coverting 4th downs in crucial situations (seeming soft on national defense), and not actively trying to get replays (bad in debates). The Florida recount debacle was completely manifested in the replay booth, with a no-review on Vince Young's knee being down and a clear second half fumble that seemed to be not unlike ignoring all the election-rigging that happened in 2000. I wouldn't be surprised to hear that Katherine Harris and her whore makeup was running replay last night, that's all I'm saying. One more thing that tied these two events together that I should've seen at the time: I think I may be done with sports. Seriously, last night's Rose Bowl may have pushed me over the edge. I like USC - they're fun to watch, have likeable players, and most of all, they're the only good high-level sports team in the Greater Los Angeles area. Like most sane people, I watched USC all season because they restored what civic pride was left in Los Angeles (not much) and put Reggie Bush on the field. Anyway, last night was there chance to legitimately claim the title of "Best Team Ever," and they (along with some other factors) Divine Browned it. Here's my theory: last night's game had too much in common with the 2000 Election, but instead of Texas' victory affecting free speech, one's right to privacy, and international relations, a Longhorn victory has probably set back any claim that the West Coast had to football supremacy, or at the very at least, respect. Let me explain the election part first: From the beginning, you had an incumbent of a dynasty (Gore/USC) against a fiesty organization from Texas (Bush/UT). The hope and future of middle America (old-school programs like Ohio St, Notre Dame, Alabama) rested on the cocky shoulders of somebody who said idiotic things when it mattered most (George W/Vince Young). Over the course of the game (election), one watching the game figured that there was no way USC (Gore) could lose, if for no other reason than all of the fumbles (every W speech) Texas was coughing up. When the dust cleared, though, Texas came out on top, thanks to some idiotic USC (Gore) moves like not spying VY (lockbox), not coverting 4th downs in crucial situations (seeming soft on national defense), and not actively trying to get replays (bad in debates). The Florida recount debacle was completely manifested in the replay booth, with a no-review on Vince Young's knee being down and a clear second half fumble that seemed to be not unlike ignoring all the election-rigging that happened in 2000. I wouldn't be surprised to hear that Katherine Harris and her whore makeup was running replay last night, that's all I'm saying. One more thing that tied these two events together that I should've seen at the time: Sandra Day O'Connor essentially (and literally) flipped a coin influencing both events. She won the election in 2000, there's no way UT wasn't pulling out all the stops to stop SC, that's all I'm saying. Now, the actual consequences from this game. I'll start with this: Everybody hates the west coast. We're hours behind everything, it's sunnier here, we have better looking women, we believe in a woman's right to choose - we just do things differently, and it's become a shock to everyone's system. This, of course, is abundantly clear in watching the national (not just east coast's) coverage of college football. I'm under the impression that if I saw Lee Corso walking down the street and told him that there's a major college football conference playing west of Colorado, he'd genuinely be surprised. If you want to learn nothing about college football, I suggest having a heart to heart with Kirk Herbstreit. I'm not saying it's an easy job or that I could do any better, but the man goes on TV every week doing PR for an inconsistent, dumbed down conference that is the SEC. I'm not even saying the Pac-10 is better anymore, I'm just saying shut up about LSU and shut up about D.J. Shockley, even those schools are sick of your ass-kissing. That being said, USC NEEDED to win last night for the sake of west coast football coverage. Yep, I'm saying it takes three National Championships in a row to start getting any sort of publicity. I will also fault Oregon for coming up flat against Oklahoma on this one. As much as it's complete bullshit, we needed a win against Oklahoma to at least get West Coast teams included in discussions on a national level. You watch, next year is going to be the worst year in the history of college pre-game shows. Every team in the country is losing key players, but the Southern and Midwest teams are gonna be hyped up, while the West Coast teams are going to have "question marks at key positions." John David Booty, I guarantee you, is better than whoever Georgia will throw at there next year. Oregon has a brutal schedule, will have an inexperienced D, and possibly stick with a unfathomable two QB system, but we'll still be better than Va Tech and Alabama, that's for damn sure. Ok, I'm angry, but I really do believe that old, crotchety white guys from the South, as well as lackey pre-game guys have killed any fair playing ground there will ever be for the forseeable future, and this loss has some how vindicated their "college football is only really about eight teams" attitude. Now that the season's over, these are the teams that proved themselves to be legitimate: Texas USC Ohio St. West Virginia Penn St has no offense, way to go Big 10! You know who has a gripe? West Virginia. Everybody said they were undeserving (including me) of a BCS game, and what did they do, they beat the SEC champ, Georgia. Georgia KILLED LSU to get to the Sugar Bowl, LSU finished the season with two losses, yet they're AHEAD of one-loss West Virginia in the Coaches Poll! Yay college football! This is why I'm done with sports. Any suggestions on a new hobby?

The Oregon Ducks Basketball team is terrible. As my buddy Sully pointed out to me last night after we lost to Portland St, we're the fourth best basketball team in Oregon. Actually we could be fifth, if you count Lake Oswego High, who have Kevin Love, a national top 5 recruit. Oregon is by no means a basketball state - football still commands the biggest audiences and press. Being fourth in the state, though, to traditionally awful Oregon State and tiny U of Portland and Portland St, is an embarassment. The two Portland schools get table scraps in terms of recruits, whereas anybody that chooses to go to OSU, well that's gotta be a psychological thing, they haven't been consistently impressive in ages, probably since Gary Payton. The Ducks boast two McDonald's High School All Americans (Brooks, Hairston) and two four star recruits (Taylor, Leunen) and can do nothing against miserable basketball programs. We gave up a last second OPEN 30 footer to Vandy, lost to a down New Mexico team, worked over by a down Georgetown program, lost to U of Portland (which I didn't even know existed), and lost at home to the mighty Portland State Vikings. The first scapegoat that came to mind is Coach Kent. He built our program up with the help of the Lukes and Freddie Jones, taking us to the Elite 8 in 2002. He recruited well, wisely taking advantage of the Nike money we have to go outside of the west to get players (Hairston), and got Aaron Brooks to come down from Seattle. Since the Elite 8 finish, this is what has happened: 2003: First Round NCAA loss thanks to atrocious shooting from Luke Ridnour 2004: NIT Semis 2005: No postseason tournament, not even Pac-10 tournament To me, that looks like more-than-slow decline in a program. On top of this, Kent got himself into a mini-scandal this past off-season regarding an alleged affair with the producer of his weekly TV show. Oregon chose to stand behind him and gave him a five-year extension. This is a coach whose teams have gotten worse and whose players have consistently underachieved. There's no arguing out talent, but our execution is putrid. When you look at top national programs, they not only recruit well, but stay good thanks to top coaching. That being said, you can't place all the blame on the coach. They're naturally the first one to blame, but in this case, I think it's maybe a combination of factors. Here's who I blame (in order): U of O: Don't give him an extension after getting worse, that's just stupid. Unless Ernie has tapes of Bill Moos (AD) in a compromising position with a Biology TA, there's no reason to keep on EK. Ernie Kent: Watching even our good teams, a lot of them won in lieu of smart coaching. On the sideline, he's always barking, but never really teaching or guiding. The players aren't gonna believe in his system or themselves, if you can't put them in a situation to blow out bad teams. Aaron Brooks - A below-average shooter who believes he isn't. Remember Jacque Vaughn? He knew he was a bad shooter and made everyone around him better. I've heard that EK is on Brooks' case constantly, which is fine, but it sounds like he's doing more harm than good judging by Brooks decline in performance this season. Malik Hairston - The offense should be set up so that he gets as many touches as possible. He can score when he wants and the team needs to feed off of that. MH is also passing up good shots to get inferior players involved. Hit the good, open shots and when the team collapses on you, that's when you can dish it. Maybe I'm crazy, but in watching these games, watching him pass up good shots is as frustrating as anything else on the floor. Tall White Guys - Leunen is decent, but undersized. He can hit perimeter shots, but struggles to establish a defensive presence against almost anybody. Short is terrible, it feels like he's been on our bench since 1997. Zahn is a big body, but plays no defense and has no shooting range. The Schaefer era is all but over, B - U - S - T. Bryce Taylor - He should never have shown that he could shoot because it makes his frostbite touch from outside all the more depressing. I say cut the Sideshow Bob dreds. James Blake became a much better tennis player once he did. I have no other frame of reference, so deal with it. Ivan Johnson - Physical, good scorer, can't rebound, fouls anybody that moves. This is coachable, yet he has made minimal defensive progress. I really do love Oregon basketball, that's why I rack my brain trying to figure it out. College sports, especially basketball, require top coaching before any of the talent is in place, and I really can't honestly say it is. The Pac-10 isn't looking particularly good this year outside of a good UCLA team, a decent Washington team, and a mysterious USC team that took down UNC. USC is actually a perfect example of how a team should be run. They got worse, fired their coach, and went after top talent (Majerus, then Floyd). USC by no means has the top players in the conference, but if they buy into a smart system, they'll play consistently well. The one hope I have is that we could upset some good Pac-10 teams (Stanford, AZ, ASU) who have also lost to sub-par opponents. As much as it pains me to take the easy way out of this problem, I've gotta say that Coach Kent should be axed. It won't happen because he now has a big-money extension, but honestly, the Ducks are lacking leadership in the place it matters most. Plus, he has now fully become Angry Bernie Mac, which isn't good for anyone at this point. That's all I've got, I'm going to the Holiday Bowl (with a cold) tomorrow to watch the Ducks take down the Sooners. 35-21 Ducks. Stick it in, stick it in, hooah.

I just got back from Florida, where I visited all sorts of long-lost relatives, ate four consecutive Italian meals (and we're not Italian), and got a nasty rash on my back from the hotel swimming pool. Why do I tell you this? I don't know, but I also attempted to watch the 49er-Rams game at a sports bar, where they showed every game imaginable (pro and college), except of course the 49er game. The manager told me the feed cut out or something - I'm going with the "or something." Anyway, we left checked game progress online, and much to our surprise, the Niners pulled it out. Here's where it gets interesting (if you're a 49er and Reggie Bush fan). The Niners (3-12) play the Texans (2-13) on New Years Day in what has become known as "The Bush Bowl." Although it sounds like something concocted at Yale in the mid 60s, the only implication of the game is to see who will (probably) wind up with Reggie Bush in next year's draft. We've all seen and heard the deserving hype of Bush, but here's how I think the game plays out. The announcers will, of course, start talking about how the game has become worth mentioning because of Reggie and how they really don't think either of the team will "throw" the game to get the draft pick. (By the way, how horrible is Tony Siragusa? I'll go as far as saying he's in the top 5 of worst things to happen to sports broadcasting.) Anyway, the teams will both play to win, but I wouldn't be surprised to see a game of Dom Capers and Mike Nolan trying to "out-conservative" each other with their playcalling. This is of course funny because both teams are terrible and it'll be a terrible game, and also because trying to "out-conservative" each other for the sake of Bush is what much of political talk-radio has clearly become. You've also gotta look at it from Bush's angle. One has to think that the 49ers are gonna get better quicker than the Texans. Mike Nolan is a far better coach than the expressionless Dom Capers, installing a defense that has been, at times, above average. If they can stay healthy (which they never do), they have some pieces. Alex Smith (despite the aformentioned girly hands), has shown some improvement, they've got solid linebackers, and a pretty weak division. There's no way Bush would rather be in Houston, with a coaching vacancy and a swiss cheese O-line. David "deer in the headlights" Carr cannot have made the Texans all too attractive for a potential game-changing back. Dominick Davis got a load of money and hasn't gone anywhere, to the tune of two rushing TDs. The other possibility is that the 49ers get really smart next April and trade their top 2 pick for a bunch of other picks. It won't happen because the Niners are poised to make a ton of money off of Bush, but it would probably be best for the team if they loaded up. Gore has shown himself to be pretty good, and if they really loaded their D and their lines for the years to come, they'll be in good shape. All that being said, look for the Texans to squeak this one out, as this is really the D'Brickashaw Bowl (doesn't sound as sexy) for them. Texans 21 Niners 17 I now have to figure out how to deal with a disgusting back rash. I felt that would be the most pleasant thing to end this with.

So many things happened this weekend in football, so of course everyone will be asking the standard "Who will make the playoffs?" and "Are the Colts still the best team?" questions that really don't interest me at all. They're legitimate questions, but it's easy and on the surface of what really matters. Clearly, what really matters is whether or not the 49ers spent tens of millions of dollars on a quarterback who, by all accounts, has girly hands. I'll admit, I hadn't heard about this new Alex Smith development until they talked about it on PTI, but since they did, I've been thinking about the prospect of undersized quarterback hands on a pretty consistent basis. The reason for this, like always, is because I've gone through something similar. Don't get me wrong, I've got pretty good sized hands (I can almost palm a regulation-sized basketball), but in PE during my freshman year of high school, the football coach noticed that I had a pretty good arm, so he asked me to join the JV football team. I, being scared of rug burns, spiders, and flashlights, knew I was of no good to the team, but played catch with some guys anyway. After two days of tossing around a bigger football than I had ever thrown, I turned the coach down, knowing I couldn't get a good enough grip on the ball to be even close to effective. I play with Nerf and Pop Warner-sized balls to this day just to maintain what little dignity I have left in this world. This brings us to Alex Smith. My brother is the biggest fan of any team I've ever seen and his team is the 49ers. He can name every player on the team if you cover everything but their eyes on the team website. Some (including me) would consider him to be beyond a fan, if for no other reason than he is seriously considering buying Brandon Lloyd's debut rap effort. The reason I'm telling you this is that he has an answer and an excuse for anything that goes wrong in the bay, but has nothing but awkward pauses and incoherent mumblings when I bring up Alex Smith's girly hands. Alex Smith's girly hands have been a slowly building phenomenom for a few games now, but anybody that sits and watches a 49er game (I think they've been relegated to "The Ocho") can clearly see that something is wrong. The 49ers don't really throw downfield, rely on awkward swings and screens (which rarely work), and all the while, Alex Smith has thrown the ball directly skyward (without being hit) at least four times. How did this not get noticed at the combine? Is the difference in college and pro balls that big? I've never heard of this being an issue for any QB, let alone a first overall pick. On top of this, here's a guy who is really in the worst possible situation to be in. He's having a horrible rookie year (to be expected) on a horrible team (to be expected) with a right hand that has difficulty gripping a football. This, over the past couple years, has, in some circles been known as "Kwame Hands," after the Lakers stud (sigh...) power forward Kwame Brown, but I would argue that it's gotta be much worse for Smith, especially with the ugliness of those one foot passes to his big toe. Even worse, is all the attention he's getting anyway because he's supposedly the next great thing. I, for one hope he still is - just to be a role model for all the guys with medium-sized hands. There's more of us than you may think and we're taking on all comers. Just as long as it's with a Nerf...

There's a part of sports that really has nothing to do with sports, but ultimately has everything to do with sports. Of course, I'm talking about video games. Since Street Fighter II, I have played exclusively sports games, mostly made by the fine folks at Electronic Arts. I've also put in some time playing Mario Kart, if you consider that to be sports (I personally see it in a gray area, but that's neither here nor there.) I spent my formative years rushing Lawrence Taylor outside and running the flea flicker from Phil Simms to Stephen Baker deep or Mark Ingram cutting down the middle. I dominated Tecmo Super Bowl like nobody I had ever seen. I didn't play in a tournament (don't even know if one existed), but I mercilessly ran up the score on all of my friends that came over. In fact, I can still hum the division, conference, and Super Bowl victory music almost instantaneously. The game really didn't make any sense, the graphics were awful, and players could run 18 rows out of bounds going after an errant out pass. I knew the ins and outs of the game, everything from the little peek you get at a cheerleader's panties to how to block extra points and stop Bo Jackson (it can be done.) All this led up to the day I played my friend Andy's older buddy Rudy. I should take this opportunity to point out that if anything at all socially or emotionally insignificant happens in my life, I'll remember it for the next 58 years, or however long I live. I was in a Chicago Bears period at this time, putting up 450-475 yards a game with Neal Anderson on sweeps and dives. Jim Harbaugh was completely unreliable as a passer, so I just went with Neal pretty much all game until the computer would inevitably pull one of those "no way you're going anywhere" blitzes that they would bring every once in awhile. Anyway, I got dominated by Rudy that day. I couldn't run with Neal, couldn't blitz with Mike Singletary, and of course, I couldn't pass with Jim "Pretty Boy" Harbaugh. I think I called him that, it sounds right, but I don't even think I knew what I was talking about (I was 10,11ish.) I lost something like 42-14 and stopped playing Tecmo Super Bowl for a good 8 months. I wasted away without the confidence I usually had with TSB. My life was reduced to going to school, playing basketball with friends after school, joining sports leagues, staying in good shape, eating reasonably, and having pleasant discourses with interesting people about relevant issues. I was miserable. Slowly, I began playing again, knowing my brothers were ultimately awful at it, and it was fun to see them just as frustrated as I was after Rudy destroyed me. My family never really sprung for Super Nintendo, so I only played the Madden games a little, never fully getting into that era of EA games. I consider that to be kind of a dark era for me, anyway, if not just for the fade haircut, jean shorts, and the request I made to have "Dynomite" printed on the back of my school basketball jersey. When Playstation came out, we got it, and I got into playing the NFL Gameday series with one of my brothers fairly consistently, having an inexplicable amount of success with the Jaguars, behind the unthinkable play of one Tavion Banks. I mean, it got to the point where "Tavion Banks" became a verb in the living room of my house. I'd also like to point out that my parents are normal, well educated people who raised us to be good people with good educations, it was just that we were complete degenerates playing video games. My freshman year of college, everyone on the floor played NCAA Football, the EA game where they put every single player in it, but not their names, because of course that would probably cause mass havoc in the streets. Anyway, NCAA football stirred the what I call the "hibernating bear of illogical emotion towards a stupid video game" inside of me. I was killing everybody right off the back - running the option, screens, timing patterns, you name it. Soon, though, everybody started practicing (while I was at class), and they caught up pretty quickly. I actually enjoyed the challenge of the back and forth, until I realized how emotionally exhausting it was to stay up 'til 1 a.m. trying to stop my roommates ridiculous quick hit offense and then having to write an Anthropology paper. By the way, it is now that I realize that everybody else in college was out meeting people, having orgies, and throwing up in my goddamn drinking fountain, but I regret nothing. We had our own group - a fraternity of bitter, undernourished idiots playing a ridiculous game that meant absolutely nothing in any scheme of anything, all the while falling behind academically, socially, and possibly even biologically. This all, of course, ended in a tournament, complete with capes made from filthy bath towels, and intro music (I believe mine was Bruce Cockburn's "Rocket Launcher," if that gives you any idea of what kind of monster I am). I lost right away, but I regret nothing...except maybe the bath towel cape, that was over the top. The rest of college was a lot of the same. Not only that, this sort of thing was happening to friends at other schools, so I know it just wasn't some sort of freak environmental case. I'd be lying if I told you I didn't watch nine innings of a Roger Clemens MVP baseball game for NES over a webcam with no sound or commentary, just occasional cuts to the two guys reacting to plays. Yes, folks, the children are our future. No matter how much I loved all of my buddies, if they beat me in a game, I usually needed a 15-minute cool-down period. The fire inside was still burning. I even refused to talk to my roommate for like three days after he (I still claim) cheaply beat me in NBA Live 2003 by bull-rushing the lane with Tim Duncan for a full game. I got over it, but it took some time. Which brings us to the present. I'm now trying to get a job as a writer's assistant on a TV show. When I say "trying," I mean sending in my resume everywhere and trying to develop an overachieving Oregon dynasty in NCAA 2006. I still play my brother all the time, and I still go through drastic mood swings over the course of a friendly 40-minute game of Madden or NCAA. I've gotten into a groove in Madden with the Eagles, made entirely too easy because he's in complete denial that the 49ers are still an NFL team. I can't say enough great things about the 2004 49er video game defense. My point here is that I'm 22 and I don't expect much to be different when I'm 32. I've gotta think I'm done growing. That was just a warning to anybody that is possibly willing to emotionally invest in my future. All I'm really trying to say is that I'm a monster and I know there are others like me out there. Hold your head up high, you are among friends. You'll have to excuse while I gameplan to find, play, and beat Rudy in a game of Tecmo Super Bowl. Bring it, big man, I'll be ready.