There's a paradigm to life that I always follow; avoid things that cause significant pain. Because if you avoid pain, you avoid a worse fate; kicking the bucket. It's something that happens to all of us eventually, but we can avoid it for awhile if we do smart things. With that in mind, let me be the first to officially break the worst-kept "secret" in sports TV; ESPN's supposed classic sports channel has officially kicked that bucket today.

For years, we've seen the big four-letter monopoly trash a once-proud Classic channel with loads of trash that either aren't sports or aren't classic. Some programs that come to mind include (but are not limited to) car auctions, bull riding, pool, bowling, Kiana's exercise show, classic boxing that isn't classic, boxing that has been replayed 51,739 times, and "games" smashed into one-hour Cliff's Notes versions. And, of course, there's the king of all wastes of time; poker. The network's fixation on poker is well documented, but this time, even ESPN has gone too far.

***Warning: The following message may contain things you may not want your child to hear; readers are strongly advised to move them away.***

Today, on ESPN "supposed" Classic, they're going to show poker starting at 4pm. When does it end? 12 midnight...on Sunday! That's right; unless my cable guide went haywire, THAT'S THIRTY-TWO CONSEQUTIVE HOURS OF POKER! Who the **** scheduled this ****!?!? What, the history of erosion wasn't available? Even people who can sit through an entire golf tournament on TV are going "Who is bankrupt enough to watch that?"! I can't believe they've gotten lazy enough to say "32 hours of poker is a classic if ever there was one.".

Here is a list of things I'd rather do than watch 32 straight hours of poker:

-Listen to Stephen A. Smith for six straight days talk about Slava Medvedenko.
-Have Bernie Madoff run my finance department and give him 100% of the profit.
-Let John Daly advise me on what to wear that's stylish.
-Have Stuart Scott say "Booyah!" and his other catch phrases for six straight hours.
-Get Detroit Lions season tickets...for life!
-Create a new team in a sport, and hire Donald Sterling, Elgin Baylor, Matt Millen AND Isiah Thomas to run it!
-Listen to all of Brett Favre's retirement announcements...in a loop.
-Have Roseanne and Carl Lewis sing a duet.
-Extole the virtues of Allen Iverson the teammate.
-Step into a room full of angry, stinging bees for two days.
-Watch a WNBA game (sorry, gals; I don't watch that much).
-Watch games at the Black Hole in Oakland, and tell their fans they stink, and dare them to hit me.
-Watch a continous loop of soccer games for three days, with all clips featuring that annoying "GOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLL!".
-Travel to the South Pole naked and stay for a day.
-Have Chris Berman invent 50,000 more dumb nicknames for players.
-Watch nothing but the View for 60 hours.
-Agree with Skip Bayless that LeBron's supporting cast carries him.
-Bathe in boiling oil for 3 hours.
-Get Lions season tickets for life...and agree not to drink a single beer.
-Have a police car detail for a stuffed animal funeral (that actually happened in my hometown of Detroit to "honor" Michael Jackson; glad to see that those pesky crimes are down here to do that!).
-Watch the BCS title game and say without hesistation that the legit champs were crowned.
-Have Ray Lewis hit me without pads for 2 hours.
-Watch a Memphis Grizzlies game.
-Watch any stage of the Tour De Bore, er, France.

And finally...
-Have Manny Ramirez teach me the basics of child birth!

But, in lieu of all of that, I'll just avoid it or take a nap. Because this network has been dying for a long time. It's time for somebody else to buy this channel from the four-letter idiot and return it to actually showing sports and games, not 32 straight hours of poker (btw, I hope the World Series of Poker is not only cancelled, but goes bankrupt; let's see how easy it is for BSPN to program their lineup without that!). Thanks for letting me vent, and leave your opinions here. Take care, friends!