Disclaimer: The following post is purely a parody. If the NBA or anybody feels offended, it's pure fun; no infringement is intended. All names and property belong to their owners. Now, yet the games begin!

The Beginnings of the Story

Sitting in his office in New York, NBA commissioner David Stern was discontented. The NBA Finals had been, in his opinion, a complete disaster, and now it was the offseason. Determined to become the dictator of the world, Stern decided to make the NBA relevant in the off-season. He bought the rights to the show "Survivor" and decided to stock a new season of it with NBA players, past and present. The result is "NBA Survivor" sponsored by Kia Motors! Let's head to the field!

(The host, named David Downs, walks in)

Downs: It's time for NBA Survivor!

(jingle): "sponsored by Kia Motors!"

Downs: Now then, let's meet the teams! First, it's the NBA Stars of Today team.

NBA Stars of Today
Kobe Bryant
LeBron James
Shaquille O'Neal
Dwight Howard
Dwayne Wade
Carmelo Anthony
Allen Iverson
Chauncey Billups
Tim Duncan
Kevin Garnett
Paul Pierce
Yao Ming
Tracy McGrady
Manu Ginobili
Gilbert Arenas

Downs: And now, the NBA Stars of Yesterday team!

NBA Stars of Yesterday
Michael Jordan
Magic Johnson
Larry Bird
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar
Bill Russell
Wilt Chamberlain
Julius Erving
Isiah Thomas
Charles Barkley
Elgin Baylor
Moses Malone
Oscar Robertson
Jerry West
Scottie Pippen
Willis Reed

Downs: You've now met the teams, so let's begin our game. At the end of today, one of these 30 players will be gone. The teams will compete as a unit until we whittle down the competition. You guys ready?

LeBron: I was born ready.
Kobe: You arrogant piece of...
LeBron: Look who's talking!

Downs: O.K., guys; you sound like those damn annoying puppets!
(jingle): sponsored by Nike!
Downs: Oh boy; this will be hell. Let's begin with out first challenge. It's a good old-fashioned game of HORSE.
(jingle): sponsored by Geico!
Downs: You guys know how to play. Pick two members from each team.

(The Stars of Yesterday choose Magic and Bird, saving Jordan for a later challenge. The Stars of Today choose Kobe and LeBron.)

Downs: We flipped a coin...
(jingle): Sponsored by the U.S. Mint!
Downs: ...and the Stars of Today won, so they get the first shot of the day.
(jingle): sponsored by Budweiser!

Kobe: O.K., Bron. I got the first shot!
LeBron: Oh, no you don't; I've got it!
Kobe: Me!
LeBron: ME!!!

(the two begin to fight each other, the ball slips out of their hands at mid-court, takes two bounces, and goes in the hoop. All the participants are stunned.)

Downs: All right, Magic and Larry, you gotta do it.

(Magic and Bird tussle, but the ball takes three bounces, giving LeBron and Kobe the lead.)

Downs: Back to LeBron and Kobe for the second shot.
(jingle): Sponsored by Red Bull!

Kobe: Just give me the damn ball.
LeBron: I'm the chosen one!
(they resume fighting, and run out of time)

Downs: Sorry, guys. You forfeit one letter. It's a tied game.
(to add insult to insult, Joey Crawford calls a technical just out of habit!)

Downs: Magic and Bird, you're up.

(Magic does a behind-the-back dribble before pulling up 3/4 court and hitting a three. LeBron rips the ball out of Kobe's hand, does the same thing...and it air-balls)

Kobe: Dammit, Bron; I just won a title! Stop fooling around!
LeBron: You are the fool!

(Magic and Bird eventually win the game after LeBron and Kobe refuse to allow the other the shoot. They forfeit the remaining three letters.)

Downs: Chalk one up for the Legends team. Magic and Larry win immunity for today as their prize.
(jingle): Sponsored by Vagisil!
Downs: Let's move on to our next challenge. It's a game where whoever grabs the most coconuts wins.
(jingle): Sponsored by Mounds and Almond Joy!
Downs: Pick your teams, people!

(The Legends select Chamberlain and Jabbar. Curiously, the Stars of the Today choose only Dwight Howard.)

Downs: Today's Team, why did you choose only one player?
Team: Because we have a secret!
Downs: O.K. Gentleman, let's get started.
(jingle): Sponsored by Minute Maid Orange Juice!
Downs: Go!

(Chamberlain and Jabbar barely get started when Howard rips off his Magic jersey to reveal...he's actually Superman! He leaps up to the top of the tree and plucks off all of the coconuts, winning the game.)

Downs: Wow! Dwight Howard is the winner and gets immunity!

(jingle): Sponsored by Bayer!
Downs: Well then, get some rest, and we'll be back after a word from our many sponsors!

(The ads are, in order, promos for Wipeout, I Survived a Japanese Game Show, The Closer, and 50 thousand ads for cars, beer and impotence. After all of that, Downs returns)

Downs: It's time for the team challenge!
(jingle): Sponsored by the Army!
Downs: Pick five members of the team to play this game.

(The Legends choose Jordan, Barkley, West, Thomas and Russell. Today's team choose Wade, Shaq, Arenas, Garnett and Iverson.)

Downs: O.K. Start the obstacle course!
(jingle): Sponsored by Ikea!
Downs: Start!

(Iverson and Thomas begin the game by climbing through the cave. Iverson takes a big lead before getting startled when Thomas says he's quitting Florida International to join Iverson's new team to trade him. They're even when they tag off to West and Arenas.)

Arenas: Hey, Jerry. Still think LeBron's the best player in the lea...

(Arenas, en route to going up the hill, tears up his knee. Thomas is forced to carry Arenas to the next station, where they trail by a bunch. Fortunately for Today's Team, Barkley is waddling through the third leg, allowing Garnett to catch up.)

Garnett: Anything is possibleeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!

Barkley: That's just turible!

(Barkley and Garnett are even when they pass the wooden bridge and tag off to Russell and Shaq.)

Russell: Oh, Shaq's nothing! I stopped Wilt; I can stop him!

Shaq: That would be Shaq-tastic for you, but I'm the real Superman!

(Russell and Shaq approach the treadmill. While Russell makes it up with ease, Shaq simply bulls it over, saying "I don't ever use treadmills!". After that, they reach the b-ball court, where each has to dunk, then hand off to Jordan and Wade.)

Wade (stares at Jordan): My idol!

Jordan: That stuff doesn't work on me!

(The final obstacle is a doozy; each goes to the court, where big Manute Bol lies. They must hit a jumper over him, without driving by him. Wade gets there first, but his shot gets easily swatted away.)

Bol: You...cant...do...tat!

(Bol smiles, but it's quickly obliterated when Jordan, using his powers from Space Jam, turns into Stretch Armstrong, stretching his arms over Bol, and throwing the ball in. Jordan easily crosses the finish line.)

Downs: The Legends win the game! The entire team is safe for the next episode! Today's team, one of you will go.
(jingle): Sponsored by Avis!
Downs: Today's Team, we'll see you at tribal council tonight!

(Today's team, except for Howard, who has immunity, slumps off to their cabins. The Legends go back as well, except for Jordan and Barkley, who decide to go to the golf course to gamble on who can lose the worst.)

(Night falls on the camp)

Downs: Alright, teams. Let's get to the council square.
(jingle): Sponsored by Wheat Thins!
Downs: Today's Team will vote on who they want to get rid of, and that person must leave. Only Dwight Howard is immune from elimination today. The Legends will also vote, and their majority winner will receive one vote. Let's get started!
(jingle): Sponsored by the Black-Eyed Peas!

(The Legends vote. It comes out eight for Kobe, seven for LeBron, and one that's not legible because there's a giant ketchup stain.)

Downs: Who had ketchup on their ballot?
(jingle): Sponsored by Heinz!
Barkley: Sorry, guys. I had to have 15 hamburgers before I voted!
Downs: Anyway, Kobe gets one cumulative vote. Today's Team, now you vote.

(The team votes.)

Downs: Here are the results!
(jingle): Sponsored by George W. Bush!
Downs: The results are 14 votes for Arenas (shown in a cast), and one for LeBron.

(LeBron stares at the team, screaming "I need help, guys!". Kobe smirks privately; he cast the vote against LeBron. Arenas tried to walk away in his cast, but falls over, breaking his ankle and ribs. He yells back "I'm used to not playing and getting paid!".)

 Downs: All right campers, that's it for Opening Night!
(jingle): Sponsored by Hyundai!
Downs: See you viewers next time for more NBA Survivor!
(jingle): Sponsored by Kia Motors!

Note: I know Chamberlain isn't alive. This is a parody, so pretend that these guys are all in their prime!