Are we all strapped in for this weekend's blockbuster '60 Minutes' interview with Roger Clemens?

Leave it to Clemens to try and one-up the Patriots-Giants for most watched show ever. But he's going to fail because only one channel will cover the interview. Maybe he needs to hire Roger Goodell as a consultant to figure out how to get his interview simulcasted on all 3 major TV networks.

For those of you conspiracy theorists out there, if you thought that Senator Mitchell, a member of the Red Sox Board of Directors, had a conflict of interest in investigating suspected anabolic drug users, what about Mike Wallace from '60 Minutes' who will be conducting the interview and is an acknowledged friend of Clemens?

Here is my take on what the interview will be like:

 

["tick, tock, tick, tock..." sound of the '60 Minutes' intro]

Wallace: Now Roger, for the sake of disclosure, I should tell people that we are friends, but that this doesn't mean that I gave you the questions beforehand (nor does it exclude the possibility that one of my assistants gave it to you)

Clemens: Yes

Wallace:  You also know that some people think you're crazy for coming on this show for an interview that could be used against you. And you're also doing it without your head attorney Rusty Hardin present.

Clemens: Mike, a lot of people have their own opinions and I just want to come here and set the record straight. (and I also have a hidden micro-transceiver in my ear that has Rusty telling me exactly what to say).

Wallace:  How so?

Clemens:  Well, a lot of people accuse me of taking steroids and it's not true. It was flaxseed oil in the syringes. You know that flaxseed has that great omega-3 oil stuff in it which is a powerful anti-inflammatory agent. It's just like taking super Advil.

Wallace:  C'mon Roger, do you really expect America to believe that you were getting flaxseed injections? Why not just eat it orally?

Clemens:  Well, my online dentist told me that getting injections in the buttocks was better because if I take the flaxseed orally, then it could mix with my chewing tobacco and increase the rate that the nicotine surges into my blood. That could be really dangerous for my heart. You know that oils increase the absorption of stuff in your gut. And getting addicted to chewing tobacco is something which is just not right.

Wallace: That's nice Roger, but we're not here to talk about chewing tobacco.

Clemens: You're right about that Mike. We're here to talk about the dangers of addiction to our young people. I have a whole gaggle of sons, so I know. Their names all start with K (Kody, Koby, Kory, and Kacy) in honor of my 20-strikeout game against the Mariners while I was with the Red Sox. Ideally, I wanted to have 20 sons you know, but the little lady put the big kibosh on that plan after my fourth son was born. I told her that if I can pitch as long as I have with all the wear-and-tear, then the least she can do is give me 20 sons. But she's a stubborn little lady. I also tried to legally change the spelling of my last name to "Klemens" instead of "Clemens", because that was another way to honor myself. But then I was told that doing so would create a lot of confusion, kind of like if the U.S. switched from the "regular" measuring system to the metric one.

Wallace:  Okay Roger, but I still don't see the connection between this and your alleged steroid use.

Clemens: Well Mike, if we can't save our young sons and daughters from the horrors of addiction, then we're not doing our jobs as responsible parents. Ever see me get arrested for a DUI? Ever see me get put in the slammer for using cocaine or heroin? Addiction is not a major issue. It's THE issue.

Wallace:  Yes, I understand, but how about those steroid allegations?

Clemens:  Mike, let me tell you all about the dangers of long-term use of steroids like cortisone. Everyone knows that we baseball players get more cortisone injections in our short careers than we get rectal probings by our doctors in a lifetime. I had to qualify the doctor part there, because some people are into that kinky stuff, and I don't want to discriminate against them.

Wallace:   Roger, you know and I know that we're not talking about that kind of steroid use.

Clemens:   Exactly, the whole situation is so confusing. That's why we should stop looking to punish people and instead turn our focus to educating people.

Wallace:   Roger, can you tell me that you didn't use steroids during your career.

Clemens:   Mike, I never knowingly took anything called "steroids" (although that doesn't mean that I didn't take things called Winstrol or Stanazolol).

Wallace: So, you never saw any containers with something like Winstrol or Stanazolol written on it?

Clemens: (Damn, I was hoping he wasn't going to ask me that question, but no worries, Rusty prepped me good for this one). Actually Mike, I saw names on those vials, but I thought it said "propranolol" on them. You know I take that stuff because I get hyperexcited and my heart starts racing. Not a good situation for the old ticker, and by the way beta-blockers like propranolol are not banned and never have been banned by Major League Baseball.

Wallace:  Roger, what do you think of Sen. Mitchell's report?

Clemens:  I think Sen. Mitchell has done a lot of good things, but everyone makes mistakes.

Wallace:  So, you think your name being included 82 times in the Mitchell Report was a mistake?

Clemens:  Mike, you have the testimony of my former trainer Brian McNamee, and look at all the trouble he's in. You're going to take the word of a lowly criminal like him over a 7-time Cy Young winner like myself?

Wallace:  So, you believe that Sen. Mitchell's report was inaccurate?

Clemens: It's only one report based on a lot of hearsay against the vast majority of people named in it.

Wallace:  Well, what about Jason Grimsley's testimony that you used steroids.

Clemens: Oh, so now you're going to make some sort of statistical argument based on a sample size of 2?

Wallace: And how about Jose Canseco's book "Juiced"?

Clemens: Mike, did you actually read the book? Because I sure didn't. But my lawyer did. That's what I pay him the big bucks to do. Canseco's a joke and anyway he never accused me of using steroids. He just said that I have a lot of knowledge about them.

Wallace: What about Curt Schilling's challenge to you to exonerate yourself.

Clemens: Ah, yes. I feel bad about Curt. It's tough for a normal pitcher like him to go from throwing fastballs in the mid-90s to last season where he could only throw consistently in the mid-80s.  Mike, he's a bitter guy, and he probably resents older guys like me who can still throw consistently in the 90s.

Wallace: Well, what about his challenge to you to clear your name

Clemens: How? How can I prove that I didn't take that stuff? Can you prove that you didn't take steroids or HGH? How? Look, I'm a guy who likes my privacy. I'm not like those crazy camera-seeking people like Paris Hilton or Kim Kardashian. The only way I could ever prove that I didn't do it is if I had a camera focused on my ass 24/7 for the past 20 years. It's ridiculous for me to try and prove that I didn't take it. Look, the important thing is not to hate Curt Schilling for making such an idiotic challenge. Instead, we should feel sorry for him, because his career is obviously winding down, and we should encourage him to get some professional psychiatric help to deal with his difficulty.

Wallace: Roger, the issue is not Curt Schilling's challenge that you prove your innocence but rather the public's hope that you will exonerate yourself.  You are an American icon.

Roger:  I appreciate that Mike and you're an icon also. Mike, the American public deserves more than just a bunch of convicts going around and cutting deals to try and save themselves or other jealous people looking to put down those of us who work hard and achieve a lot. In fact, that kind of behavior is wholly anti-American. People hate us just because we are powerful and use our military might to help a lot of less fortunate people in Iraq, Afghanistan, Korea, Crotia, and a whole host of other countries. But every American should stand united against these jerks who are trying to destroy the names of good hard-working Americans like myself.

Wallace:  How about human growth hormone?

Clemens: Mike, human growth hormone is a naturally occurring substance. A lot of misinformed people out there think that it's like steroids. It isn't. It's a polypeptide.

Wallace:  Well, have you ever taken it?

Clemens:  Taken it? I produce a ton of it naturally. Some people are trying to make this naturally produced hormone seem evil. Ask any little person if they think human growth hormone is bad.

Wallace:  So, you've never taken it.

Clemens:  Mike, you're talking about an ALL-NATURAL normal hormone that we produce. If you're going to arrest me because my body naturally makes it, then you'd have to arrest just about everyone in America, because we all naturally make it. Remember it's All-natural. So, the answer is No, I've never taken this all-natural human growth hormone before (of course that doesn't also include taking synthetic human growth hormone).

Wallace:  Roger, many people in Major League Baseball and a lot of sports people say that there have been whispers about you and steroids for an awfully long time. Why do you think that is?

Clemens: Jealousy. Just because I have great genetics which allows me to excel at a time when most people are winding down, they are jealous.

Wallace: Well Roger, you do have to admit that your record is kind of amazing. At age 34, a time well past when many major league pitchers lose some velocity on their fastball and their statistics get worse, yours actually got better. Your earned run average went from 4.18 and 3.63 in the two seasons prior to the 1997 season to 2.05 and 2.65 in 1997 and 1998 respectively when you moved to Toronto, and they also occurred at a time where the ball was considered "livelier".

Clemens: Look Mike, when you're a power pitcher like myself, it doesn't matter if the ball is alive or dead, because in either case, the batters can't hit what they can't catch up to. Also, you can just ask my friend UltraMega on the Fox Sports Blog Site who will argue that ERA is a completely useless number and that things like WHIP are far more telling stats. And just so you don't think that I'm into that sado-masochism stuff, WHIP stands for "walks-hits per inning pitched".

Wallace: Well, Roger, your WHIP for those two seasons was a phenomenal 1.03 and 1.095, and wasn't the average something around 1.3 or 1.4 at that time?

Clemens: Well, again you're going to jump to conclusions based on a sample size of 2?

Wallace: Well, actually, it's a sample size of 67 games that you appeared in during those two seasons. And what about your three years with Houston when you had amazing ERAs and WHIPs (2.98/1.157, 1.87/1.008, and 2.3/1.041)? You were 41, 42, and 43 years old during that time. 

Clemens: Whatever. The most important thing is that a lot of people out there pay a lot of lip service to the saying that "men are like a fine wine, we get better with age". We do. So, why can't people just understand that I worked hard? Can't Americans understand that petty and jealous people are trying to unfairly take me down?

Wallace: That's entirely possible, but I think America is wondering where Roger Clemens goes from here?

Clemens: Well, I'm relaxing now, and it's probably best if I retire now because I am 44, and if I play next season then I can't retire at the end of that season because I have this thing about not wanting to retire after any number of years which is divisible by 5.

Wallace: Huh?

Clemens: In any event, I think it's fate. I have 4 sons, so retiring at age 44 seems appropriate. Also Brian McNamee and Kirk Radomski's names have four syllables. So, it's all kind of cyclical.

Wallace: Uh, roger, "Brian McNamee" has 5 syllables in it.

Clemens: Not the way we pronounce it in the Texas.

Wallace: So, what will you do if evidence appears that proves you guilty?

Clemens: Mike, I'm as careful about my health and everything associated with it as I am with my pitching. Show me one solid shred of evidence. Actually, I'm sorry, I said that wrong. Let me try again. Show me one whole document worth of evidence. See, you can't, so I'm innocent.

Wallace: You know that people are thinking, "If Roger Clemens is innocent, then why did he wait 5 days after the Mitchell Report was issued to deny the accusations of steroid use?" What do you want to tell those people?

Clemens: Mike, I'm a competitor and I'm passionate. I wanted to say something immediately, but I was afraid that people listening would mistake my passion for rage and then think that I was having an episode of 'roids rage. So, I waited. The other thing is that I thought no logical person would believe that I would take that stuff. You've seen me workout, and you know that no other pitcher has the work ethic that I have. So, part of me thought it wouldn't be necessary to do it. But then after things kept going, I was going to talk on the 4th day after the Mitchell Report came out. But you know I'm trying some of that Chinese Buddhist meditation stuff to get more centered and put myself more in the center of the universe, and I don't know how many of you know it but the word for "4" sounds like the word for "death' in Chinese. That's why Chinese buildings don't have 4th floors. It's bad luck. So, I publicly denied things on the 5th day. Hey Mike, I'm a baseball player and we are some of the most superstitious people in the world. So, try and understand.

Wallace: So, you didn't wait because you were consulting with your lawyer Rusty Hardin and trying to find seemingly plausible excuses to pander off on the American public in an attempt to hide your use of these banned substances?

Clemens: No way. Rusty advised me not to speak immediately, because he knows how passionate I become about things. And he said that it's better to speak after being better informed about things. But we aren't trying to hide anything. In fact, Rusty's out there right now trying to find the people who killed my reputation.

Wallace:  Are you friends with O.J. Simpson?

Clemens:  We play golf together every once in a while. You know he's remarkably agile and has a really great short game for a guy who has such terrible arthritis that he couldn't hold a knife to kill his girlfriend. He's really a testament to mind over matter. And the thing is that he's a very generous guy who's given me all sorts of tips recently on how to handle things.

Wallace: What kind of tips?

Clemens:  You know, the kind of tips that famous guys give each other to stay on top. Hehehe.  You know, they didn't nickname him "Juice" for nothing.

Wallace: Do you mind sharing some of the tips he gave you?

Clemens: Well, that kind of falls under some sort of "confidentiality" thing, doesn't it? We just talked about stuff like what a nice and safe place Switzerland is, and what a beautiful place the Cayman Islands is.

Wallace: Okay, Roger, is there anything else you want to say?

Clemens: Yes, I think this waiting period for the Hall of Fame is ridiculous. I'm the greatest pitcher that ever lived, so why shouldn't I get an exemption and get in now?

Wallace: Okay, Roger. So you didn't use steroids or any other banned substance?

Clemens: I never used the things I said I never used. And Mike, there is one last thing I'd like to say.

Wallace: Yes Roger?

Clemens: I love God and He Loves me. God Bless America and God Bless Baseball.

 

["tick, tock, tick, tock..."]

 

P.S.  I just heard the way Roger is planning on defending himself. Just terrible. It's making me itch to write the sequel to this.