"I'll take Grunting for $1000 please."

"She was the first grunter in tennis."

 "Who is American Vicki Palmer?"

Seriously, who is American Vicki Palmer? What about Monica Seles? Well, the unlikely Yugoslav athlete may have been a Grand Slam gruntress, but it was Palmer who pioneered the "haroumph" back in the sixties. Soon after Jimmy Connors grunted out a record 109 tennis titles, as he exerted more woman-in-labor sounds than a polygamous household in Arkansas.

Grunting can indeed improve strength and cardiovascular performance. As a personal trainer, I often encourage clients to emit exhalation noises as a means to generate power and confidence - an age-old technique used by martial artists. Whether implemented for tactical reasons or not, sports psychologists argue that among world-class players, any advantage gained by distracting an opponent is probably minimal. Those most likely to be annoyed by it are the spectators and commentators. After all, if noise is such a distraction, why aim for 139mph serves, when you may have a better chance at an ace with a 139-decibel HAROUMPH!

Allan Mills, a chief Wimbledon referee of 22 years says, "Many of the non-grunting players are unhappy about the noise pollution." And in the 1992 Wimbledon final, an umpire warned Seles to stifle the grunt, which stifled her game as Seles lost to Steffi Graf. Today, the aging Agassi's grunt is haroumphier than ever, while the purportedly performance-enhancer-free Williams sisters' (ah-ah-ahchew-bullkakaronio! - bless me) shrieks increase in proportion to their egos. Not to be confused with the sound of a small aircraft landing nearby however, is Maria Sharapova, who has clocked in at a record 101.2 decibels, according to British newspapers' "Unofficial Grunt-O-Meter."

Rather than printing these trivial stats in newspapers, let's officiate the Grunt-O-Meter, place it center court, and change tennis from a game to a game show. With the emergence of this grunt - counter-grunt culture it's only reasonable that tennis market that to its advantage. The possibilities for this new game are gigruntous: Who will out-grunt whom? Can a player pick out his grunt from a series of grunt-playbacks? Spectators can gamble on who will reach what decibel. (Even Pete Rose could play this new tennis.)  Anna Kournikova could assume a Vanna-type role, which will finally give her purpose on a tennis court. The over-ripening Agassi can play the Pat-part. As for the part of Executive Producer... I'll take danger_grrl for a lot of money please.