Enough with the anti-soccer features expressing such things as, "How you can physically harm yourself and still have more fun than watching soccer," "Why watching Full House is more exciting than watching World Cup," and "If soccer were the last sport on Earth - demand a recount." Okay, so no one actually wrote any of those, but many of you do think along those lines.

Well, now it's time to end this negativity, with a visit to the land of obscurity - the Weird Wide World of Sports. So come, take danger grrl's hand, and let her take you to this strange land. [Editor's note: But, whatever you do, don't accept any candy from her.]

In this land, you'll find REAL sports you've never seen, of which you've never heard, and of which you'll definitely prefer over World Cup Soccer - dare I say even over NHL, NFL, MLB, and NBA. [Editor's note: Take no offence, as hockey, football, baseball, and basketball were probably only noted to reach a greater category scope in the blog.]

Before the tour begins, just remember: no flash photography, turn off all cell phones and electronic devices, and please, don't feed the danger grrl...

WWWS #1 - Hashing

Drinking. Running. Drinking. Though this game may sound familiar to many of you - it was actually invented by British Officers, based in Malaysia, in the 1930's. Hashing is "not racing and there is little honour in being first," explains the Claremont Hash House Harriers organization. (The perfect sport for the USA soccer team.) Usually a five-mile course is created, stopping every quarter mile, where the course splits into three or four potential routes.  The runners must decide upon the one proper course to follow. At some check points alcoholic drinks are provided. A bar is typically the final destination, where runners re-hash their hashing experiences (and probably regurgitate much of what they hashed.) (Too many possible jokes involving professional athletes... insert your own creativity here: _________________________ (or in a comment).

WWWS #2 - Apocalypse Dishwashing

The game involves four players who start out at a medium jog. The first player has a table with the proper settings attached to his or her neck - this makes it easier (???really???) for the player to eat off said setting supplies. When the player finishes eating, the dish is passed to the second player who washes it in a soapy bucket. The third player dries the dish and passes it to the fourth player. Finally, it is this fourth player who smashes the dish, preferably in a extravagant manner (Perhaps Becks is really leaving England for this position). Apparently, one major rule exists to this sport (as per www.urbanhousework.com): Our policy on who's responsible for injury or death - you, not us. (Hmm, maybe that's more for Martha Steward than David Beckham.)

WWWS #3 - Extreme Ironing

Whether ironing while scuba diving, atop a mountain, or in any extreme environment, The Extreme Ironing Bureau is very serious about how ridiculous they are. Extreme Ironers worldwide compete for the coveted Rowenta Award, given to the most extreme ironist. These Iron men and women have been featured on Good Morning America, Fox News and the BBC. The sport's founder - Steam - once competed while suspended from a crane inside a glass box in Leicester, England. (Wouldn't the steam - not Steam -  have fogged up all the glass?)

No, I didn't make-up any of these sports.  No, I never tried out any of these sports. I may be "danger" grrl, but I do have better things to do - like making fun of all the things I don't want to watch, and talking about all of the things I've never done, and umm... gee... trying to figure out where all my "danger" has gone. I blame World Cup soccer.

"I'll take Grunting for $1000 please."

"She was the first grunter in tennis."

 "Who is American Vicki Palmer?"

Seriously, who is American Vicki Palmer? What about Monica Seles? Well, the unlikely Yugoslav athlete may have been a Grand Slam gruntress, but it was Palmer who pioneered the "haroumph" back in the sixties. Soon after Jimmy Connors grunted out a record 109 tennis titles, as he exerted more woman-in-labor sounds than a polygamous household in Arkansas.

Grunting can indeed improve strength and cardiovascular performance. As a personal trainer, I often encourage clients to emit exhalation noises as a means to generate power and confidence - an age-old technique used by martial artists. Whether implemented for tactical reasons or not, sports psychologists argue that among world-class players, any advantage gained by distracting an opponent is probably minimal. Those most likely to be annoyed by it are the spectators and commentators. After all, if noise is such a distraction, why aim for 139mph serves, when you may have a better chance at an ace with a 139-decibel HAROUMPH!

Allan Mills, a chief Wimbledon referee of 22 years says, "Many of the non-grunting players are unhappy about the noise pollution." And in the 1992 Wimbledon final, an umpire warned Seles to stifle the grunt, which stifled her game as Seles lost to Steffi Graf. Today, the aging Agassi's grunt is haroumphier than ever, while the purportedly performance-enhancer-free Williams sisters' (ah-ah-ahchew-bullkakaronio! - bless me) shrieks increase in proportion to their egos. Not to be confused with the sound of a small aircraft landing nearby however, is Maria Sharapova, who has clocked in at a record 101.2 decibels, according to British newspapers' "Unofficial Grunt-O-Meter."

Rather than printing these trivial stats in newspapers, let's officiate the Grunt-O-Meter, place it center court, and change tennis from a game to a game show. With the emergence of this grunt - counter-grunt culture it's only reasonable that tennis market that to its advantage. The possibilities for this new game are gigruntous: Who will out-grunt whom? Can a player pick out his grunt from a series of grunt-playbacks? Spectators can gamble on who will reach what decibel. (Even Pete Rose could play this new tennis.)  Anna Kournikova could assume a Vanna-type role, which will finally give her purpose on a tennis court. The over-ripening Agassi can play the Pat-part. As for the part of Executive Producer... I'll take danger_grrl for a lot of money please.

10. Lose teeth, grow a cave man beard to nest your sweat, and have women fall at your stinky feet. Euh, disgusto. By the way, Ryan Smith, will you marry me? 

9. You get to date Paris Hilton - Oh wait, this is for the Top  reasons? Sorry, Jose... er, I mean sorry readers...