excellent news, i've just purchased my very own cable network, and though it is a regional station, i am hoping to be a national power within the next 5 years.

as all new channels tend to do, i will start with a small number of exclusive shows, as well as syndicated favorites to fill the schedule of my 24 hour, 7 day a week  network.

some of the syndicated shows will be:  COPS.  who doesnt enjoy watching a show where out of shape police officers from every major city in the USA chase criminals, then give an interview in which they explain why the perpetrator eluded them for so long.  ER.  follow everyone's favorite hospital drama, and try to think of which movie came out shortly before or after your favorite character left the show.  CHEERS.   episodes featuring sam malone's hottest 1 night stands, where we can all sit back and wonder how he could possibly be such a wild man, while being so very careful to keep his hair piece perfectly in place.   SOUTH PARK.  come on, like i'm going to start my own network and not air at least 2 episodes every day.

now, on to the new shows, currently in production. 

Competitive Shopping:  3 female contestants will be given the chance to see who can purchase 10 items costing the most money.  week after week, different women will enter stores like WalMart, Home Depot, Kmart, Sak's, and my personal favorite, Victoria's Secret, and choose 10 items they believe will collectively cost more than those chosen by their 2 opponents.  the winner each week will get to keep the items purchased, but will have to pay all state and federal sales taxes on those items.

Most Outrageous Gossip:  5 women will compete to see who can think of the craziest, yet somehow believable, hollywood gossip.  ideas like "tom cruise joins the production team of south park, to help clarify inaccuracies of episodes poking fun of scientology," will be discussed and ranked on a believability scale of 1 to 10.  10 being the most believable.

Stupid Celebrity Holiday Traditions:  actors, singers, pro athletes and politicians will send in videos of their most ridiculous holiday traditions, such as the Kennedy's anual "drink and drive" contest, where family members get wasted, then get behind the wheel and drive on an obstacle course, trying to avoid such things as street signs, light poles, prostitutes, and potholes.

Worst Voice Over Attempts:  in this show,  movie clips will be shown, first with the original words, then with the bad voice overs used to make the movie eligible for network television.  lines such as "yippy kai yay, mother F'r" being changed to "yippy kai yay, mr falcon" will be shown here.

Bad Movie Editing:  featured in this show, will be movie clips in which more than 1 take was needed to produce the final scene.  things such as clocks behind a character that change from 4:18 to 6:52 to 3:37 to 4:35, and cropped footage where extras in a public scene disappear in the blink of an eye.

Celebrity Justice:  this show will air actual court proceedings, then take you behind the scenes, as attorneys for the accused buy off members of juries, prosecuting attorneys, judges, and expert witnesses.  also shown will be dirty cops tampering with evidence and friends of the accused providing false alibis for the times the crimes took place.

Amazingly Bad Hairdos:  step by step process of actual hair styles created by metrosexual hairdressers hoping to start the hippest hair trends by taking an actually decent head of hair, and turning it into a purple and green polka-dotted, orange streaked beehive style with shaved lettering spelling out new catch words.   also included will be women who use very bad judgement when applying their makeup, as well as others who just dont use enough.

Pro Athlete Indecision:  this show will provide daily rumors about players such as brett favre and roger clemens on whether they will retire or play another season.  we will also give information on which players, managers, coaches, and league officials be   may  involved in gambling, adultery, cheating, drug use, or are unhappy with their current contracts and are looking to renegotiate.

What's On:  a 1 hour show devoted to nothing else than showing you what every other channel is showing that particular day, and giving away the ending to every one of them.  this show will air twice daily during the week.  morning episodes will spill the best scene from the daily talk shows, while the night version will reduce your favorite shows to a 1 minute summary.

Other shows are still in the creative process, and i hope to have an update with more shows before my network starts broadcasting in june.

We're also still in talks to fill some airtime with sporting events.  hopefully we can swing a deal to air all pro wrestling shows, and have a weekly half hour recap to show hilites of WWE and TNA broadcasts.  NFL network beat us to the punch to bring you some thursday and saturday NFL games.  once we go national, we're planning on bringing regional college football and basketball games into your homes.