One of the more annoying constants in television sports journalism is when commentators refer to former coaches and current talking heads as "coach." I know it's supposed to be a form of respect, but too often it sounds like ass-kissing. Listen to Mike Greenberg and Mike Golic continually addressing Mike Ditka in this manner. Or Jay Bilas giving this nod to Digger Phelps, who hasn't prowled a sideline since the early 90s. Ya don't hear Phelps turning to Bilas and saying, "Great point, Attorney Bilas," even though Bilas holds a law degree from Duke.

Granted, if I ran into my high school basketball coach, I would undoubtedly say, "Hey, Coach Owen, how are you?" But that's only because I never called him anything but Coach Owen. If I were all of a sudden compelled to say, "Hey, Tim, how's it hanging?" or "Hey, Tim, I still freaking hate you," then things would be strange. I mean, that's like all of a sudden referring to the parents of your childhood friends by their first names. In my experience, it's easier to stick with Mr. or Mrs., if only because it makes you feel young while making them feel old.

"Coach" is definitely appropriate in certain contexts; for example, when Keyshawn Johnson refers to Bill Parcells by that title. After all, Parcells used to actually be his coach. But Terry Bradshaw referring to Jimmy Johnson like this? They're contemporaries and co-workers, so the charade sounds hokey. Then again, everything Bradshaw says sounds hokey, so maybe that's a bad example.

The case that brought this all to mind, however, is the case of Brent Musburger and
former UCLA coach Steve Lavin, who were calling today's upset of #1 North Carolina. Throughout the telecast, Musburger -- who seems to think every possession is HUGE -- referred to Lavin as "coach," even though Lavin is 25 years his junior and currently calling games because he was a not-so-great coach at UCLA and has been out of work for five years.

Mind you, Musburger wasn't needling the 43-year-old Lavin. He wasn't saying "coach" in a sarcastic tone (though he'd certainly have been in his rights, since uber-recruiter Lavin got canned for going 10-19 in 2003). No, Musburger was probably doing it because he thinks it lends an air of gravitas to anything Lavin says. It doesn't. Just because Lavin used to be a coach, that doesn't mean his elders have to treat him like some kind of basketball poobah. Just because he led a team once (like Dick Vitale at the University of Detroit back in the 1970s), that doesn't earn Lavin a lifetime Coach Card. Unlike generals or presidents, coaches don't get to keep their titles for life. Lou Holtz? He's Mr. Holtz. Unless, of course, he lisped at you at Notre Dame, Arkansas or South Carolina. In that case, he's certainly Coach Holtz.

I don't know what to make of the allegations against Patriots' wide receiver Randy Moss, since it's a classic tale of "he said"/"she said," with both sides spinning the story. However, I did find Moss's choice of words rather odd during yesterday's makeshift press conference in the Patriots' locker room; in particular, his bizarre logic/defense that he would never do anything negative right now, not while the Patriots are chasing history.

At one point a reporter asked, "How much are you looking forward to, after the season, clearing your name?" And Moss replied, "That's the one thing I want to do, because throughout this whole season, everything has been positive. Why would I bring something negative on? Come on. What we're trying to do, and hopefully what's going to happen if we do things right in the next month, I would never -- as much as I care and love the game of football and love my teammates and coach, I would never put myself or them in a situation of something like this."

In other words, Moss would only do stupid shit if his team sucks. To Vikings and Raiders fans, this of course makes perfect sense.

Look, I'm not going to judge Moss in this matter, because I have no idea what transpired on January 6 in Florida. But it's tough to miss the subtext of his aforementioned statement, which is, "I, Randy Moss, do not pee in swimming pools at birthday parties, thereby ruining the fun for all my friends. But if the party sucks, homey? Well, then all bets are off."

Living, as I do, in Connecticut, I've been able to watch every New England game this season, so it should go without saying that I've found an awful lot to dislike about these guys, which is why I find it unnerving to wonder, "Are the Chargers more annoying than the Patriots?"

If the Colts had beaten the Chargers last week, my rooting interest in the AFC Championship Game was assured: I'd have been rooting for the Good Guys (Peyton Manning and Tony Dungy) versus the Bad Guys (Rodney Harrison and Bill Belichick). But the Colts went and fudged it all up, losing to the Chargers and Captain Toolshed (P-Rivers), so now I'm actually questioning whether the Patriots might be a more palatable AFC representative in next month's Super Bowl.

Position by position, let's look at the Tale of the Hate, i.e., the reasons to root against particular players, owners and fan bases.

In the end, we'll weigh it all out, to determine which team is more unlikeable.

QB
Tom Brady
* Impregnates super models
* Wears Yankee hats
* Talks like a goober
* Poses with goats
* Endorses Stetson but refuses to wear trademark hat
* Stopped sending Christmas cards to Marvin "Shade Tree" Jones
* Annoyingly great when the chips are down
* Raised in California

Philip Rivers
* Played well enough in camp that SD traded Pro Bowler Drew Brees
* Resembles convicted murderer Scott Peterson
* Taunted Vanderbilt graduate Jay Cutler after errant pass sealed win vs. Den
* Taunted Colts fans in playoffs after his sub, Billy Volek, guided SD to go-ahead score
* A coach's son

More unlikeable: Rivers. He needed his butt kicked back in 7th grade. His friends and family failed him and society at large. A freight train putz in need of humility

RB
Laurence Maroney
* Drafted as #1 fantasy runner, produced like a bye-week replacement
* Injured so often he deserves his own telethon
* Doesn't hit holes like fellow Minnesota alum Marion Barber
* Isn't Joseph Addai

LaDainian Tomlinson
* Hasn't corrected anyone about the fact he should be called "LDT," since LT is Lawrence Taylor, a much badder man
* Turned down offer of Madden 08 cover
* Wears sunglasses while playing
* Whined like a baby after Pats beat SD in last year's playoffs

More unlikeable: Maroney. Tomlinson has yet to ruin anyone's fantasy football season, and is often the lynch pin to championship teams

WR
Chris Chambers
* In Miami, his hobby was dropping passes
* Good for 3 fantasy games a year, otherwise a backpack of bricks
* Managed to get traded from Miami to San Diego, going from one warm climate to another while upgrading his team

Randy Moss
* Couldn't get into Notre Dame to hurt school's golden reputation
* Plays when he feels like it
* Squirted ref with water bottle
* Doesn't know how to smoke pot and drive responsibly
* Thinks the world needs more smoothies

More unlikeable: Straight Cash, Homey, a.k.a., Moss

TE
Antonio Gates
*

Ben Watson
* Isn't Antonio Gates

More unlikeable: Watson

O-Line
Patriots
* Matt Light thinks he's good, cool and funny

Chargers
* Sometimes wear powder blue uniforms

More unlikeable: Pats O-Line. They never let anyone smash Tom Brady in the mouth

D-Line
Patriots
* Vince Wilfork pokes people in the eyes like George "The Animal" Steele
* They make Junior Seau look better than he actually is
* Boring

Chargers
* After beating Indy to reach the AFC title game, Igor Olshansky was asked about SD's next opponent, and he said, "Who? New England? Seriously, I mean, they're more worried than we are, I promise you. Believe me. They know what's up."

More unlikeable: Chargers. Igor, were you coached by Philip Rivers's dad?

Linebackers
Patriots
* Slow
* Old
* Overrated
* Have holes in heart but don't retire, i.e., rather dumb
* Catch occasional TD passes

Chargers
* Led by a guy busted for doing steroids
* Led by a guy busted for doing corny sack dances

More unlikeable: Chargers. Shawne Merriman might win this Tale of the Hate all by himself.

Defensive backfield
Patriots
* Includes Rodney Harrison, Mr. Forearm Shiver Giver, who has been busted for HGH; been fined more than Howard Stern; hurt Trent Green in 1999 and singlehandedly caused the rise of Kurt and Brenda Warner; has a penchant for sticking the knife in your team with a head's up play late in the game; and tried to kiss Brian Billick on national TV
* Includes Asante Samuel, who's under the false impression he's Champ Bailey

Chargers
* Includes a guy named Jammer
* Doesn't include Rodney Harrison, whom SD mistakenly believed was washed up after 2002

More unlikeable: Patriots. I love the way Rodney Harrison plays, but I'm trying to be objective here, and a lot of people hate the guy.

Head Coaches
Bill Belichick
* Cheater
* Adulterer
* Arrogant and condescending
* Dresses like a homeless person
* If he's smiling, you're definitely not smiling. Well, unless you're a Pats fan.

Norv Turner
*

More unlikeable: Belichick. Few people hate Norv Turner. Maybe Skins fans. For the most part, we feel sorry for him, which is strange, since he's got two Super Bowl rings from his days coaching the offense in Dallas.

General Managers
Scott Pioli of the Pats
* Goes by sneaky title: Vice president of player personnel

A.J. Smith of the Chargers
* Fired Marty Schottenheimer after Bolts went 14-2 in 2006, then hired accomplished loser Norv Turner
* Everyone named A.J. is a putz

More unlikeable: A.J. Smith. Frankly, I wouldn't know Scott Pioli if I ran him over and left the scene

Owners
Robert Kraft of the Pats
* Threatened to move team to Hartford, but then got the stadium deal he wanted in Foxborough, so he basically lied to me and everyone else in Connecticut
* "Gave" one of his Super Bowl rings to Russian President Vladimir Putin, but only after accusing him of stealing it
* Nearly started World War III

Dean Spanos of the Chargers
* Occasionally makes his team wear pretty powder-blue uniforms
* Probably thinks "My Big Fat Greek Wedding " is the funniest movie ever

More unlikeable: Kraft. If he wanted to give expensive jewelry to a Cold War relic, he could have given his ring to George Bush, the former head of the CIA. Instead, the owner of the "Patriots" coughs it up to the former head of the KGB

Fans
New England
* Hate everyone outside New England
* Hate most of the people inside New England
* Often drunk and very white
* Root for teams that win in every sport

Chargers
* Too pretty
* Too skinny
* Too tan
* Live in ideal weather
* Know all of the above all too well

More unlikeable: New England. I'm a Red Sox fan (though not a Pats fan), so it pains me to say this, but Boston fans are Grade A obnoxious, particularly since their teams are all winning these days. The problem is, their football coach is a cheater, they've won 3 Super Bowls by a combined score of 9 points, and no one outside the northeast really respects their accomplishments. Because of SpyGate, many fans won't give them credit for an undefeated season even if they do go 19-0 this year. Everyone outside New England is hoping they don't win the Super Bowl. Everyone except Putin, that is.

Winner and more unlikeable: Patriots, 8 categories to 4. Rivers, Merriman and Olshansky made this closer than it should have been, but it takes more than a few instances of immature behavior to overcome an unlikeable behemoth like the Hartford Patriots. San Diego is tough to root for, but not that tough. In closing: Go Packers and/or Giants. You're our only hope.

You won't get NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell to admit this, but he's rooting against the San Diego Chargers in Sunday's AFC Championship Game against the Patriots. Not because he hates Philip Rivers (though he must), but because the Chargers represent the lone remaining threat to a dream Super Bowl match-up. As long as San Diego loses, the undefeated New England will play either Brett Favre and the Green Bay Packers, a.k.a., Middle America and the people who despise cheating, or the New York Giants, a.k.a., the team that gave the Patriots its biggest challenge all season, a Game 16 loss that was both high-scoring and exciting.

If the Chargers win, however, we'll get a Super Bowl we don't want. In fact, it'll ruin everything for everyone. But, since the Chargers already ruined the AFC Championship Game (by beating the Colts and thwarting the match-up that everyone wanted to see), I guess we should expect them to continue being selfish punks.

Consider this: If the Colts and the Pats were playing in the AFC title game, while the Giants and the Packers were playing in the NFC title game, these would have been the potential Super Bowl match-ups:

1. Colts versus Giants: In other words, Manning versus Manning. And yes, Archie would have done the coin flip. Who'd have watched: Everyone, even bin Laden.
2. Colts versus Packers: Peyton and the defending champ Colts versus Brett and his last best chance for another ring. Who'd have watched: Everyone, even Pats fans.
3. Pats versus Giants: Again, repeat of the most exciting game of the year. Oh, and that whole Boston versus New York rivalry thing, which even I'm tired of hearing about, and I'm a Sox fan (and we own your soul, Yankee suckahs!) Who'd watch: Everyone, even West Coast fans. You can whine about the East Coast Sports Bias, but there's only a bias because we're interesting, rich and smart, and you're not.
4. Pats versus the Packers: Evil versus good. Rematch of the 1997 Super Bowl. Everyone outside New England would be rooting for Green Bay. Everyone inside New England would be burning Wranglers in effigy. Who'd watch: Everyone, even Drew Bledsoe.

So, to recap, if the Chargers hadn't ruined everything, the NFL was all set to have a perfect Super Bowl match-up, regardless of who won the respective conference championship games. Instead, we have the possibility of these match-ups:

1. San Diego versus Green Bay: Everyone north, east and northeast of Tijuana would be rooting for #4 and the Pack. Everyone south of Tijuana would hear about the final score in early March. Who'd watch: Natrone Means and Lance Alworth. Oh, and middle America. But that's it!
2. San Diego versus the Giants: Yeah, we know: the blood match between the two guys who were traded for each other. On one hand, the loud-mouthed putz whose team does best when he gets hurt (Philip Rivers). On the other, the spoiled son of Archie Manning, who didn't want his sensitive boy to play in San Diego, where he might actually find a girlfriend. Rivers represents the Cobra Kai ("Get him a body bag, yeah!"), while Manning represents the legacy who gets into Yale with a 2.3 high school GPA. Who'd watch: Me, definitely -- hoping both these jackos humiliate themselves on the world's biggest stage.

So, congratulations San Diego. I'm happy you guys pulled it out with Billy Volek and Michael Turner leading the charge in Indy. But do everyone in the NFL (and indeed, the world) a favor, and step aside now. If you knock off the undefeated Patriots, the Super Bowl will be anticlimactic, and we'd all like to see a good, interesting title game, i.e., One without you in it.

Some outtakes from today's Congressional baseball hearings:

* "I'm not here to talk about Roger's ass." -- MLB Commissioner Bud Selig

* "Mr. Fehr, please state for the record that your last name is misspelled, and that it's actually pronounced 'Fear' " -- Rep. Henry Waxman, D-Calif., chairman of the House Committee on Oversight and Government Reform

* "Senator Mitchell, what would you say to a Red Sox fan who says, 'Great job nailing all them dirty, cheatin' Yankees'?" -- Rep. Stephen F. Lynch, D-Massachusetts

* "Gentlemen, last time we met was March 17, 2005, when we listened to unsubstantiated crap and missed out on green wings and half-priced pitchers at Applebees, so please don't waste my (bleeping) time again." -- Rep. Tom Davis (R-Virg), Ranking Minority Member

* "Yes, senator, I do think Fay is a rather sissy name for a sports commissioner." -- Commissioner Selig

* "Senator Mitchell, please explain a little something to those of who don't quite understand your 'unimpeachable' record: Why, exactly, would anyone listen to a fella from Maine?" -- Rep. Kenny Marchant (R-Texas)

* (Pointing his finger at the Congressional panel) "I did NOT sell a lemon to anyone, ever." -- Commissioner Selig

* "If you had to estimate, commissioner, just how small do you think their thingies are after all this drug use?" -- Rep. Waxman

* "I told you so!" -- Jose Canseco

* "Representative Marchant, why would I care if Tony Romo went to Mexico?" -- Commissioner Selig.

* "Commissioner Selig, do you think steroids affected Chuck Knoblauch's ability to throw to first base?" -- Rep. Virginia Foxx (R-NC)

* "My wife is pretty damn hot, isn't she?" -- Rep. Dennis Kucinich (D-Ohio)

* "Can someone tell me once and for all: Did Roger Clemens's lawyer own and operate the restaurant on "Northern Exposure"? -- Rep. Christopher Shays (R-Conn)

* "Senator, it's been a long time since a grown man made light of my name, but thank you for that." -- Michael Weiner, general counsel for the MLB players union, and Fehr's point man on the steroids issue

* "Frankly, if some abscessed-butt athlete called my house, acted like he was worried about my son, then tried to trap me into recanting my story in a moment of weakness? All while taping it? Why, I'd say that boy's got a future in politics." -- Rep. Dan Burton (R-Indiana)