Thoughts while skimming the USA Today sports page for Monday, December 12...

 

 

According to the lead story by Tom Pedulla, "Coach Bill Cowher was so concerned about the Pittsburgh Steelers' state of mind that he read the definition of confidence to his players before Sunday's game against the Bears." When that didn't get through to his players, team advisor Jackie Sherrill was brought in to castrate Jerome Bettis.

 

 

 

I refuse to learn where Valparaiso is located. Don't tell me, I refuse to remember.

 

 

 

New Orleans has a basketball team?

 

 

 

Boston College lost to Maryland. I hope the Eagles gets busted for point-shaving. BC deserves something bad for screwing Connecticut taxpayers.

 

 

 

Atlanta has a hockey team? Didn't the Flames move to Calgary? Wait, Columbus too? Whatever, hockey's not a sport. It's a New York City subway platform on ice skates. Like basketball, hockey should only be played outside, in the elements. We all enjoyed "Mystery, Alaska" and "White Men Can't Jump." Maybe their pro equivalents would be more popular if they weren't played in the controlled environment of Madison Square Garden.

 

 

 

Good day to be a Maryland bookie: the men's hoops team beat the BC Point-Shavers, the men's soccer team won the national championship in a shootout, and the Ravens covered the spread versus Denver. Few bodies expected in Baltimore Harbor today.

 

 

 

If Shaun Alexander leaves the Seahawks, Maurice Morris will be a top 5 pick in fantasy football next year. I could run for 27 touchdowns running behind Walter Jones and Steve Hutchinson. Shaun A is the A-rod of pro football. I saw him slap Julian Petersen's arm during an attempted tackle yesterday.

 

 

 

A 9-year-old, Jontel Baritua, qualified for the U.S. Pool Players Association national tournament in Reno, making him the second-youngest ever. The youngest, Austin Murphy, wired his congratulations from Folsom, California, where the now 11-year-old Murphy is serving 20 years for extortion and cigarette smuggling.

 

 

 

The United States men's soccer team will never be taken seriously until we get some hooligans.

 

 

 

Why isn't the finale of "Survivor" covered in the sports section? By the way, if it were survival of the wimpiest, Rafe would have won. Him telling Danni that she could take Stef to the Final Two - releasing her from her promise - and then having the audacity to turn around and give his vote to Stef when Danni didn't take him...that's such a chick thing to do. I turned to my wife and said, "Ya know what that's like? That's like you telling me it's OK if I go out with my buddies, that you have no problem with it, and then bitching at me when I'm hung over the next day." I hate that passive aggressive garbage. And then, even in the reunion show, he tried to paint it as though he'd given Danni some moral choice to make, and that she had to live with it. No, genius, she has to live with $1 million. Typical sanctimonious fool. You're playing "Survivor"! The only reason you shouldn't backstab people isn't because it's wrong, but because it's dumb - people are human, emotions plays a part, and if you screw them, they will screw you back. And if you're stupid enough to tell someone that she can take someone else to the Final Two - whom no one, except you, ya wienie - is going to vote for, then you just don't understand a single thing about human beings. Rafe cost himself, not only a million dollars, but $100,000 as the runner up. If he wants to teach people moral lessons, he should go teach Sunday school. He's full of it. He was as conniving and duplicitous as Stef. He just allowed her to be the villain in everyone's eyes. Nice try, Mr. Third Place.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Please, no more prognostications about what Tony Dungy will do. I'll tell you what he'll do. He'll blow one of the next few games, because the Colts are beatable. Sorry, but they are. And last I checked, Peyton Manning still hasn't impressed anyone in big games. Flush him out of the pocket, move the pocket around, and they will lose. His quarterback rating outside the pocket is...um, my stat boy, Steve...is getting it.....Thank, Steve, yup. BAD. It's bad, Steve tells me. Anyway, Pittsburgh had them in sight until Bill Cowher had a flashback to the 1996 Super Bowl and tried that ill-advised onside kick to start the second half. Pitt had only played two indoor games in like 17 years (OK, maybe 7). Anyway, they'll be more accustomed to the sound of the dome in January, when Kendrell Simmons (a guard) will hopefully have learned to look at the snap.  

 

 

No truth to the rumor...that Theo Epstein is related to Juan Epstein, the Puerto Rican Jew from "Welcome Back, Kotter."

 

 

 

No truth to the rumor...that Bill Parcells has asked Terry Glenn to change his name to Glenn Terry, in an effort to toughen him up.

 

 

 

No truth to the rumor...that Drew Brees is the name of a new poolside bar at the San Diego Hyatt Regency Hotel.

 

 

 

At least the Eagles won't throw up in another championship game.

 

 

 

No truth to the rumor...circulating in Minnesota newspapers that Pittsburgh rented a foundry and hired topless dancers during its bye week.

 

 

 

I know Paul Brown founded the original Browns, but if the NFL divorced the team from Cleveland and moved them to Baltimore, then why name the replacement team the Browns again? Fond memories? If Whitney leaves Bobby and then comes back, OK, fine, they're still the Browns. But what good memories are there of the Browns in Cleveland? The Drive? The Fumble? For anyone under 50, that's all there is, and who wants to whip out that family album when the two-timing wife returns?