Thoughts while watching the Pro Bowl

* Lifehouse is playing the halftime show? I take it they weren't invited to perform at tonight's Grammy Awards.

* Vince Wolfork is rushing the quarterback with all the urgency of a pothead after five bong hits.

* If my wife loves me, she'll buy me something nice for Valentine's Day. Say, Monster Seats to a Red Sox/Yankees game this season?

* Jets fans are no doubt watching this game with interest, hoping as many players get hurt as possible.

* For all the hitting in this game, Pro Bowl jerseys should be light pink and dark pink.

* Fat men don't look presentable in many outfits, but Hawaiian shirts are probably the least presentable.

* We get Joe Buck and Troy Aikman in the Super Bowl and Kenny Albert and Moose Johnston in the Pro Bowl? Ought to be reversed. After all, Aikman had no Cowboys to drool over in the Super Bowl, but this would be heaven.

* The Raiders' lone rep is punter Shane Lechler, which makes sense.

* Packers' cornerback Al Harris gets a 15-yard unsportsmanlike conduct penalty in the third quarter for playing press coverage. Apparently no one informed Al that he's supposed to play at half speed and pray he doesn't blow out a knee in this meaningless exhibition. This isn't football. In fact, I wonder if a bull was ritually castrated before the game.

* If you're going to lie and say you got a football scholarship to play in college, wouldn't you at least pick a school that's good? Cal? If I told my parents I'd gotten into an Ivy League school, I wouldn't be telling them Brown, ya know.

* The NFC now gets penalized for "illegally blitzing the quarterback," the ref says. OK, if you have to emasculate America's most popular sport, can you at least save us the indignity of explaining its wimpification? Just throw the flag and privately tell the offending player what he did wrong, because announcing it to the stadium is cringe-inducing.

* The NFC gets flagged because Al Harris attempted to make a tackle using both hands.

* No, not really.

* The most exciting play of the game so far? When Devin Hester lateraled a kickoff to the NFC's second-fastest runner...Cowboys' TE Jason Witten.

* How can the Vikings have 7 starters in the Pro Bowl and not make the playoffs? Oh, right, their QB is Tavares Jackson and their best wide receiver is Ahmad Rashad.

* Ya know when your division sucks? When Jeff Garcia is the only player to make the Pro Bowl from the NFC South, and he made it because Brett Favre decided to stay home and play touch football.

* I'd love to see the Nielsen ratings for this game in southeastern American cities. 

* Players on the winning side get $40,000, losers get $20,000. I hope the game ends in a tie.

* The Super Bowl-winning Giants have one player in this game, Osi Umenyiora. The Cowboys have every starter except Nate Newton, who was voted to start but decided to stay home and sell pot.

* Last time Alan Faneca will be wearing a Steelers helmet?

* If Marion Barber were coming at me in this game, I'd give him the olay.

* Hey, whaddya know, it's Jeremy Shockey, getting soused in the skybox again. At least he's consistent. He's always either talking or drinking. Or getting stupid-looking tattoos.

* I'm going to miss the Hollywood writers' strike, because it's been a built-in excuse to watch more sports.

* Nobody suffered a career-ending injury in this year's Pro Bowl, so it looks like we'll have endure this useless charade for at least one more year.

* If I were a Vikings fan, I'd have to be over the moon because Adrian Peterson, who missed time this year with a leg injury, earned the MVP award in a useless exhibition.

* Pitchers and catchers in four days...