Super Bowl Media Day isn't till next Tuesday, but I've gotten a headstart on the top stories that will be printed in the lead-up to the big game. Rather than wait to read those long, drawn-out tales, e.g., about Eli Manning's plan to wear Uggs to confuse the Patriots, I've decided to truncate these stories into small, bulleted talking points, distilling the essence while dumping the lard.

Stories we'll hear about the Patriots
* Robert Kraft's bastard son gets busted trying to buy Super Bowl tickets on StubHub.
* If they win a fourth Super Bowl by 3 points, Tom Brady plans to find an English girlfriend who speaks Portuguese.
* Bill Belichick reiterates his position that he'd never call Richard Seymour "dirty." However, he would call him "Seymour, Dick," if only to motivate.
* Once he retires, Tedy Bruschi plans to cover "Head Like a Hole" by Nine Inch Nails.
* Rodney Harrison reveals his guilt about singlehandedly causing the rise of Brenda Warner.
* Former Pats coach Rod Rust discusses his decision to root for the Packers in this year's Super Bowl.
* Randy Moss explains the etymological history of "straight cash, homey."


Stories we'll hear about the Giants
* Eli Manning answers at length the question, "How long have you been a white quarterback?"
* Plaxico Burress admits his first name is completely made up.
* Jared Lorenzen says he'd rather be known as the "Shifty Nifty Pushing 350."
* Tom Coughlin's great-great-grandfather is dead, but Tom says he'd be proud of what Tom's accomplished with the Gaints this year.
* Lawrence Tynes sent Brett Favre a cheesecake after the NFC Championship Game.
* Tiki Barber wanted to become the first active professional athlete to admit he's gay, but his wife made him retire.
* Longtime Giants fan Chuck Knoblauch plans to watch the game with Whitey Bulger.